*Read for the first day of the Rainbow Readathon: Red*

The World According to Humphrey by Betty G. Birney
Genre: Children's animal fiction
Short Summary: Humphrey, Class 26's pet hamster, does a bunch of things that are impossible for hamsters to do and learns a lot of lessons in the meantime.
My rating: 3 stars

My thoughts:

Plot: 1 star
There isn't any kind of plot, just a lot of random little adventures Humphrey has. Also, there was a plot hole: Just how can Humphrey presumably write this book in a doll-sized notebook that's small enough for Humphrey to carry in his mouth? This really bothered me. I don't know why. Another thing: How can a kid teach her mom English in like two days by demanding her mom talk to a hamster? Of course, I am not the intended audience (last I checked, I'm not in 2nd grade).

Characters: 4 stars
For what this is, the characters aren't so bad. I actually liked Mrs. Brisbane and Humphrey.

Writing: 4 stars
Cute and simple.

Do I recommend this? How old are you? If you're under ten, sure. Otherwise, probably not.

This book is so bad it makes all the other bad books I've ever read look pretty good. Constant sexism? Check. Only straight white cisgender characters in sight? Check. Nonsensical plot? Check. Dumb pretty-but-she-doesn't-know-it blonde "I hate pink. And dresses. And the other girls" main girl who can't do anything for herself? Check. (By the way, if she hates pink so much, why does she have a pink nose ring and why is she wearing a pink dress on the cover?) Abusive broody bad boy? Check. Insta-love? Definitely. She actually think "I want to have his babies" as soon as she sees the guy, before even speaking to him.

Oh, and I didn't even mention the slang, made-up and otherwise. Define "ridonkulous" for me, someone.

*Updated with trigger warnings added*

I do not want to write this review.

So many people love this book, and I'm so glad for them. I'm so glad so many people can enjoy this book and find it meaningful. Hey, maybe even some ace kid like me will read it and feel good about themself because they can see themself in Nancy. I would be so glad for that hypothetical ace kid. This book would have served a good purpose. I have no amosity against Every Heart a Doorway. If someone who loved this book is reading my review, I love you (no matter who you are) and I'm so glad you enjoyed this book more than I did.

But. That was not me. I didn't enjoy it.

I had a nice long review written out in a notebook for this book. I was going to post it. But I didn't. It went into too much detail and it might hurt the feelings of people who loved this book.

So let me get this over with as soon as possible instead. Instead of a long critical review of Every Heart a Doorway, let's try a nice succinct list:

6 Reasons Why I Was Disappointed by Every Heart a Doorway

• Nancy has no personality except what the world she went to gave her. This is extremely problematic because, since she's ace, it makes her look like asexual people are so bland they have to go to a fantasy world to get any personality. Even after going to the fantasy world, she only has three personality traits: 1) she likes to stand still, 2) she doesn't eat much, and 3) she only wears black and white.

• Miss Eleanor is a horrible headmistress. Honestly, she knowingly lets a student dissolve a dead body in acid

• I was expecting this book to be about kids going to a school to get over the magic world's they went to and adjust back to the real world. Nope. That didn't happen at all.

• I was expecting a whimsical fairytale like book, not a boarder-line horror novel.

• There is needless violence against animals. It serves absolutely no purpose.

• Nancy is really passive. I don't even understand why she's the protagonist. She doesn't do anything except be a token asexual character and stand still while other people get stuff done. She does absolutely nothing to speak of. At all. Thus, the plot kind of sucked because, well, protaonists are supposed to get stuff done.

• I don't understand the logistics of the fantasy worlds or why anyone would want to go to them.

To balance things out:
2 Things I Did Like about Every Heart a Doorway:

• The writing is so beautiful!! Just have a look at this quote:
"You're nobody's rainbow.
You're nobody's princess.
You're nobody's doorway but your own and the only one who gets to decide how your story ends is you."

• Hey, at least it's trying to be diverse and inclusive. That's more than 90% of fantasy books have going for then.

>>TRIGGER WARNINGS: Murder, transphobia, animal abuse<<

>>TRIGGER WARNINGS: Animal abuse.

The Pig Who Sang to the Moon is a beautiful testament to the lives of the voiceless millions of farmed animals who are cruelly hurt and killed every day. I think it is the most important book I have ever read. Someone should speak up for the animals, and I admire Jeffery Moussaieff Masson for being the one to do it.

"Why is it generally considered ridiculous to point out that every one of those animals had a mother, almost all had siblings, and surely some were mourned by a parent or missed by a friend? Even though they were bred to be killed, their emotional capacities were not altered by such breeding. They had memories, they suffered, and they grieved. There is little justification for making a comparative scale of suffering where 'human' is weighted and animal is given little weight. To be concerned about one kind of suffering does not mean that you must have no interest in another, or that you think that one is somehow more important or more terrible than another."