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charlottesometimes
Worse and worse. Yet another Stackhouse “mystery” principally made up of Sookie flirting with every man of her acquaintance in turn, doing her hair, painting her nails, choosing her various hideous outfits and unnecessarily judging people she barely knows for the flimsiest and most vacuous of reasons, e.g : “His companion’s face might have been sculpted from marble. Had the woman never heard of a tanning bed?” . Presumably in Sookie’s world the only skin tones acceptable are dead or orange.
The new element in this reheated trash is an English pirate vampire. You can tell he’s a pirate because he wears an eye-patch, has pirate facial hair, wears a pirate shirt and scarf and introduces himself as a pirate. That’s about as subtle as Harris gets. With similar skill she has named him “Sir” Charles Twining, presumably after Prince Charles and Twinings tea, they being the only two English things she could think of. He is, according to Eric “the least temperamental vampire I’ve ever met, though I confess I don’t know him well. He’s been working here only two weeks.” Which seems rather a rash judgement, particularly from someone who has had more than a thousand years in which to learn character assessment and the dangers of hastiness.
Besides the introduction of this dull new vampire, barely differentiated from any of Harris’ previous leaden attempts at characterisation, almost nothing happens. The majority of the book is taken up with repetitious material from previous books and mind-numbing descriptions of the exact damage Sookie’s house suffers in a fire, and the repairs she intends to make. These would no doubt be of interest to me if I worked for Sookie’s insurance company, but since this is not the case I struggled to care.
Meanwhile Sookie continues to lust after any male she meets and equally to hate every female, for such excellent reasons as wearing too much make-up, the aforementioned not having a tan, of for having the temerity to be seen anywhere near Sookie’s ex. Although obviously it is perfectly acceptable for Sookie to be all over anyone else’s ex, and any other male in her vicinity.
Finally the “mystery” of who is behind a spate of shootings is solved via two explanations, one a pathetically basic excuse for character motivation dispensed with in two paragraphs, and the other a convoluted string of barely-related events that even Sookie finds to make little sense. Sookie is once again sexually harassed by a potential new love interest, various characters we don’t really know end up dead, and the next book in this relentlessly poor series is clumsily set-up.
Most Ridiculous New Character Name
Sweetie Des Arts
Jeff LaBeff
Randall Shurtliff – Do they not have the expression “Shirt-Lifter” in the USA?
Twins Dixon and Dixie
Selah Pumphrey
Most Worrying Fact About Merlotte’s
Any woman not dressed up according to local standards (e.g not in a skin-tight cocktail dress or a terra-cotta pant suit, with full make-up) is working. If she isn’t clearly garbed as a prostitute then the only other work she can possibly be doing is dealing drugs. Obviously in Bon Temps it doesn’t do for a woman to flaunt the dress code unless she doesn’t mind some pretty unpleasant assumptions being made about her.
Vainest Self-Description / Worst Synonym for “Breasts”
Most Repetitive Use of Telepathy
Sookie stops a drunk causing trouble by reading his mind and discovering that the most effective weapon to use against him is his fear of upsetting his mother. Ten pages later she does exactly the same thing with another drunk in another bar. Presumably all drunks in her area have unresolved mother issues. In which case, I wonder why she bothers to read their minds at all.
Most Sexist Statement
In reference, incidentally, to dressing for a funeral. Particularly badly phrased if you’re British, where pants often means underwear. Although Sookie probably would go to a funeral with no knickers on if Alcide told her to.
Most Airheaded Statement
Most Affectedly Provincial Statement
Most Annoying Avoidance of Swearing
Just say fuck, Sookie.
If Harris can’t bring herself to make Sookie swear then she should just avoid the issue altogether, as writing the phrase “No effing thanks” is an invitation to ridicule.
Sookie says this at least three times per book. Each time it seems more ridiculous than the last.
Worst Display of Detective Abilities
Sookie once again demonstrates that she is not bright. Speaking of which…
Stupidest Thing Sookie Does
Re-enter the burning house she has just been rescued from in order to get her handbag, keys and slippers. Even when she can’t find the slippers she risks her life to get a pair of socks.
Most Puzzling Statement
I assume I’m missing summat here. How is this unusual?
Admittedly it later transpires that the character apparently never kept his wallet in his jacket pocket, but even leaving aside how unlikely it is that someone would be known for where they keep their wallet, there is no way Sookie could know this. Another example of Harris labouring the “clues” in her “mystery” so heavily that they actually become nonsensical continuity errors.
Most Socially Naïve Statement
Sookie on finding out that some men have used a woman for sex:
After this ridiculous remark, and presumably in a bid to prevent any slur on the name of her beloved country or her beloved men, Sookie is as always quick to lay blame on the woman in question for getting involved in this situation, as always not letting any empathy or fellow-feeling prevent her from judging others. Eric supports this misogyny, and soon Tara is thoroughly chastised for inconveniencing poor little good-girl Sookie by having been used and mistreated by two vampires whose strength and power she has no recourse against. Incidentally, Tara’s crime is to have become sexually involved with two vampires, and to have accepted gifts from both of them. Since Sookie has done exactly the same thing I have difficulty in seeing why the weight of the author’s moral judgement comes down so hard on Tara alone.
Worst Character
“Bubba.” Please just leave it now. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, and it apparently necessitates his whole back-story being reeled off once per book. Plus he contributes nothing, except illustrating the fact that Harris cannot conceive of anyone who is not a fan of Elvis. No matter how many hundreds of years you have been alive, how many sights you have seen and how much music you have heard, you must love “The King.”
This particular appearance from him is particularly bad, as it occasions a truly terrible Columbo-style “and one last thing” moment from Sookie. Although being as mentally deficient as Sookie is this moment doesn’t come until after the secret assassin has revealed themselves and attacked her. Which to be honest is a little late for deduction, although Sookie seems proud of herself.
I can only be thankful that he has yet to appear in the True Blood TV series. Although if he does it will at least indicate exactly when the show has crossed the line into appalling, and therefore when I should stop watching.
The new element in this reheated trash is an English pirate vampire. You can tell he’s a pirate because he wears an eye-patch, has pirate facial hair, wears a pirate shirt and scarf and introduces himself as a pirate. That’s about as subtle as Harris gets. With similar skill she has named him “Sir” Charles Twining, presumably after Prince Charles and Twinings tea, they being the only two English things she could think of. He is, according to Eric “the least temperamental vampire I’ve ever met, though I confess I don’t know him well. He’s been working here only two weeks.” Which seems rather a rash judgement, particularly from someone who has had more than a thousand years in which to learn character assessment and the dangers of hastiness.
Besides the introduction of this dull new vampire, barely differentiated from any of Harris’ previous leaden attempts at characterisation, almost nothing happens. The majority of the book is taken up with repetitious material from previous books and mind-numbing descriptions of the exact damage Sookie’s house suffers in a fire, and the repairs she intends to make. These would no doubt be of interest to me if I worked for Sookie’s insurance company, but since this is not the case I struggled to care.
Meanwhile Sookie continues to lust after any male she meets and equally to hate every female, for such excellent reasons as wearing too much make-up, the aforementioned not having a tan, of for having the temerity to be seen anywhere near Sookie’s ex. Although obviously it is perfectly acceptable for Sookie to be all over anyone else’s ex, and any other male in her vicinity.
Finally the “mystery” of who is behind a spate of shootings is solved via two explanations, one a pathetically basic excuse for character motivation dispensed with in two paragraphs, and the other a convoluted string of barely-related events that even Sookie finds to make little sense. Sookie is once again sexually harassed by a potential new love interest, various characters we don’t really know end up dead, and the next book in this relentlessly poor series is clumsily set-up.
Most Ridiculous New Character Name
Sweetie Des Arts
Jeff LaBeff
Randall Shurtliff – Do they not have the expression “Shirt-Lifter” in the USA?
Twins Dixon and Dixie
Selah Pumphrey
Most Worrying Fact About Merlotte’s
Any woman not dressed up according to local standards (e.g not in a skin-tight cocktail dress or a terra-cotta pant suit, with full make-up) is working. If she isn’t clearly garbed as a prostitute then the only other work she can possibly be doing is dealing drugs. Obviously in Bon Temps it doesn’t do for a woman to flaunt the dress code unless she doesn’t mind some pretty unpleasant assumptions being made about her.
Vainest Self-Description / Worst Synonym for “Breasts”
“I knew he was taking in my jeans, which were on the tight side, and my tummy,which was on the flat side, and my soft fuzzy white sweater, which was filled with natural bounty.”
Most Repetitive Use of Telepathy
Sookie stops a drunk causing trouble by reading his mind and discovering that the most effective weapon to use against him is his fear of upsetting his mother. Ten pages later she does exactly the same thing with another drunk in another bar. Presumably all drunks in her area have unresolved mother issues. In which case, I wonder why she bothers to read their minds at all.
Most Sexist Statement
“Every woman wants to know what’s appropriate to wear,” I said. “Thanks. I won’t wear pants.”
In reference, incidentally, to dressing for a funeral. Particularly badly phrased if you’re British, where pants often means underwear. Although Sookie probably would go to a funeral with no knickers on if Alcide told her to.
Most Airheaded Statement
“Finally, I felt relaxed, and when I crawled into my bed I had achieved peace through pampering.”
Most Affectedly Provincial Statement
“I was a little shocked at the idea of one man owning two cars:”
Most Annoying Avoidance of Swearing
“Effing”/ “Eff off.”
Just say fuck, Sookie.
If Harris can’t bring herself to make Sookie swear then she should just avoid the issue altogether, as writing the phrase “No effing thanks” is an invitation to ridicule.
“Jesus Christ, shepherd of Judea.”
Sookie says this at least three times per book. Each time it seems more ridiculous than the last.
Worst Display of Detective Abilities
“I assumed the shooter was almost certainly a guy. I knew plenty of women who went hunting and plenty more with access to rifles. But weren’t snipers always men?”
Sookie once again demonstrates that she is not bright. Speaking of which…
Stupidest Thing Sookie Does
Re-enter the burning house she has just been rescued from in order to get her handbag, keys and slippers. Even when she can’t find the slippers she risks her life to get a pair of socks.
Most Puzzling Statement
“The man’s wallet proved to be in his jacket, which seemed a little unusual to me”
I assume I’m missing summat here. How is this unusual?
Admittedly it later transpires that the character apparently never kept his wallet in his jacket pocket, but even leaving aside how unlikely it is that someone would be known for where they keep their wallet, there is no way Sookie could know this. Another example of Harris labouring the “clues” in her “mystery” so heavily that they actually become nonsensical continuity errors.
Most Socially Naïve Statement
Sookie on finding out that some men have used a woman for sex:
“But this is America,” I protested. “How can they do that?”
After this ridiculous remark, and presumably in a bid to prevent any slur on the name of her beloved country or her beloved men, Sookie is as always quick to lay blame on the woman in question for getting involved in this situation, as always not letting any empathy or fellow-feeling prevent her from judging others. Eric supports this misogyny, and soon Tara is thoroughly chastised for inconveniencing poor little good-girl Sookie by having been used and mistreated by two vampires whose strength and power she has no recourse against. Incidentally, Tara’s crime is to have become sexually involved with two vampires, and to have accepted gifts from both of them. Since Sookie has done exactly the same thing I have difficulty in seeing why the weight of the author’s moral judgement comes down so hard on Tara alone.
Worst Character
“Bubba.” Please just leave it now. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, and it apparently necessitates his whole back-story being reeled off once per book. Plus he contributes nothing, except illustrating the fact that Harris cannot conceive of anyone who is not a fan of Elvis. No matter how many hundreds of years you have been alive, how many sights you have seen and how much music you have heard, you must love “The King.”
This particular appearance from him is particularly bad, as it occasions a truly terrible Columbo-style “and one last thing” moment from Sookie. Although being as mentally deficient as Sookie is this moment doesn’t come until after the secret assassin has revealed themselves and attacked her. Which to be honest is a little late for deduction, although Sookie seems proud of herself.
I can only be thankful that he has yet to appear in the True Blood TV series. Although if he does it will at least indicate exactly when the show has crossed the line into appalling, and therefore when I should stop watching.
The sixth book in the series, and yet another round of Sookie’s astoundingly dull thoughts on the outfits, hair-colour, cars and interior décor of herself and everyone she meets. Plot-wise there’s some more mysterious attacks on Sookie to explain, another male whose sexual assault Sookie mistakes for courtship, the re-appearance of Bill’s chaetophilia and basically very little else. A character to whom we have never been introduces is killed, Sookie goes to investigate the death of another character who has never appeared in the series, Sookie is nearly raped again, another body turns up in a cupboard. Sookie goes to another hospital. Bubba turns up again for no particular reason, and once again we have to hear everything about how and why he is and what he likes to eat. This remains uninteresting and unamusing. Finally two less-than-thrilling mysteries are cleared up: Sookie’s attacker is revealed to be the character who has a grudge against her, and the person who sliced a random new character in half with a sword turns out to be a new character who walks around wearing a large sword at all times. For some reason I was not entirely gripped with suspense whilst waiting for these outcomes.
Most Idiotically Inane Comment
Most Hypocritical Statement
Sookie on Tara:
Most Childishly Bitchy Remark
Apart from the bitchiness, I’m not sure why Sookie makes this sound like she’s describing a child playing dress-up. In fairness, Portia is in fact a lawyer, and so is surely entitled to own as many lawyer suits as she wants without being insulted.
Most Selfish Action
Jason Stackhouse leaving his girlfriend at home suffering from the after-effects of a miscarriage, whilst he visits his sister’s for a hamburger.
Biggest Inconsistency
To get around her own stupid rules about the were/shifter ability only passing down from two were/shifter parents to their oldest child, Harris decides to make both old character Debbie Pelt and her newly-introduced sister Sandra adoptees. As Sookie explains:
I have two problems with this. Firstly, if weres and shifters have such fertility problems then where are all these adoption-eligible babies coming from. And second, at what point did Debbie turn from a were-lynx to a were-fox? I can only assume that even Harris herself is unable to bear to re-read her books, and thus was unable to proof-read for consistency.
Most Poorly Thought Through Scene / Most Childish Synonym for a Period
So being in the same room as a woman having a period causes a vampire to experience “naked hunger” and suffer somewhat. This applies even if the room in question is a crowded bar and the vampire and woman in question are not even close. In which case Bill has presumably had a very difficult 130-odd years as a vampire, as menstruating is something that many people do quite regularly for several days at a time without considering whether there might be a vampire in the vicinity. Personally I would have recommended him to develop a little self-control during his many years in existence, at least to a sufficient degree to avoid him making silly faces whenever a menstruating woman is nearby.
Stupidest New Character Name
Rafe Prudhomme
Gladiola the Half-Demon
Jade Flower – Clumsily faux-asian.
Worst Misunderstanding of the Concept of Irony
That’s not ironic Sookie. Disrespectful of your grandmothers wishes perhaps, but not ironic.
Most Snobbish/Small-minded Reaction
Although I suppose it’s entirely in character for someone who is apparently shocked and amazed by the kind of basic goth accoutrements that the average 12-year-old might wear without a second thought. Black lipstick and striped tights really aren’t all that bizarre Sookie.
Most Clichéd Plot Development
Claudine the Fairy turns out to not only be Sookie’s Fairy Godmother, but also engaged in committing good deeds in order to become an angel. A nonsensical conflation of pre-Christian folk beliefs, traditional fairy tales and non-canonical biblical mumbo-jumbo often spouted in TV specials featuring desperate, mentally-ill people. Plus whilst informing Sookie of these facts Claudine compounds the horror by referring to Sookie as “The Sook”.
Most Noticeable Casual Racism
Most Unintentionally Revealing Remark
Absolutely everyone that Sookie knows, without exception, knows that there is no way that she would ever have sex with a woman. How? Presumably the subject hasn’t arisen independently with every one of her acquaintances. The only way this could make sense is if Sookie is known to have a prejudice against lesbians. Which, given that she has a prejudice against all women other than her, would certainly make sense.
Most Unnecessary and Vain Self-Description/Most Extended Criticism of a Dead Relative’s Taste in Clothes
A particularly fine example of Sookie’s tendency to combine an obsession with her own clothes and person with a compulsion to belittle others in comparison with herself. In this case the person suffering her scorn is her troubled and recently deceased cousin, making her catty barbs all the more cruel and unnecessary.
To make it worse, this is then followed by the longest and most boring description of someone putting their hair into a pony-tail ever committed to paper, breaking Harris’ previous record with ease. Amid the details of the pony-tail’s exact length and Sookie’s ability to centre it exactly, we also witness two men being reduced to gasping lust by the sight of Sookie’s lycra-covered arse. Sookie initially purports to be ignorant of the cause of their reaction, before realising:
Showing either massive vanity of an incredibly low opinion of all males. Although to be fair most males in Sookie’s world are guilty or sexual assault and/or rape, so maybe she has a point.
Least Helpful Response to a Sexual Assault
Quinn’s descent into a massive sulk because he was unable to stop Sookie being kidnapped and once more molested, and instead had to be rescued by her even though it’s embarrassing being rescued by a woman. In case you think this is just a personal interpretation of the text :
Nice medieval attitude Quinn. Don’t thank Sookie or show any sensitivity regarding what just happened. Just go into a strop like a big fat baby because someone else touched your woman and disrespected you.
Furthermore, Quinn is the kind of man who walks into a room naked and says “Do you like what you see?” So, all-in-all a grade-A arsehole. Which is of course Sookie’s type.
The novel finally comes to an end with yet another badly written and dull vampire battle, after which Sookie returns home with the addition of two randomly added sidekicks, a witch and the man she has accidentally turned into a cat. I’m not sure whether Harris has purloined this plot device from [b:A Bad Spell for the The Worst Witch|1042367|A Bad Spell For The Worst Witch (Worst Witch, Book #3)|Jill Murphy|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1180458258s/1042367.jpg|1356128], Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or even Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but I am certain that I didn’t want to see it again. The loose ends are wrapped up and the next book clumsily set-up in three pages and then the book mercifully closes with the standard threat of yet another volume of this trash.
Most Idiotically Inane Comment
“I yanked my hair into a ponytail and then doubled the elastic band around it,making it into a kind of topknot. I had a little fan of the ends waving above my head. Though I tried not to admit it to myself, I thought this slapdash hairstyle was fun-looking and kind of cute.”
Most Hypocritical Statement
Sookie on Tara:
“Now she was safe, if she was smart enough to stay away from the supernatural world.”
Most Childishly Bitchy Remark
Portia made the childish gesture, and tucked the thick catalog under her arm. She was wearing one of her "lawyer suits," a brownish tweedy-looking straight skirt and jacket with a silk blouse underneath. She had on beige hose and low-heeled pumps, and she carried a matching purse. Bo-ring.
Apart from the bitchiness, I’m not sure why Sookie makes this sound like she’s describing a child playing dress-up. In fairness, Portia is in fact a lawyer, and so is surely entitled to own as many lawyer suits as she wants without being insulted.
Most Selfish Action
Jason Stackhouse leaving his girlfriend at home suffering from the after-effects of a miscarriage, whilst he visits his sister’s for a hamburger.
Biggest Inconsistency
To get around her own stupid rules about the were/shifter ability only passing down from two were/shifter parents to their oldest child, Harris decides to make both old character Debbie Pelt and her newly-introduced sister Sandra adoptees. As Sookie explains:
“Okay. Debbie Pelt, werefox, had been adopted. I'd learned that the Weres were prone to fertility problems, and I assumed that the Pelts had given up on having their own little Were, and had adopted a baby that was at least some kind of shape-shifter, if not their own kind. Even a full-blooded fox must have seemed preferable to a plain human. Then the Pelts had adopted another daughter, a Were.”
I have two problems with this. Firstly, if weres and shifters have such fertility problems then where are all these adoption-eligible babies coming from. And second, at what point did Debbie turn from a were-lynx to a were-fox? I can only assume that even Harris herself is unable to bear to re-read her books, and thus was unable to proof-read for consistency.
Most Poorly Thought Through Scene / Most Childish Synonym for a Period
“My little friend had come to visit, and I felt the sensation even as I realized what was contributing to my general irritation.
I glanced over at Bill and caught him staring at me, his nostrils flaring. He could smell the blood. A wave of acute embarrassment rolled over me, turning my face red. For a second, I glimpsed naked hunger on his face, and then he wiped his features clean of all expression.
If he wasn't weeping with unrequited love on my doorstep, at least he was suffering a little. A tiny pleased smile was on my lips when I glimpsed myself in the mirror behind the bar.”
So being in the same room as a woman having a period causes a vampire to experience “naked hunger” and suffer somewhat. This applies even if the room in question is a crowded bar and the vampire and woman in question are not even close. In which case Bill has presumably had a very difficult 130-odd years as a vampire, as menstruating is something that many people do quite regularly for several days at a time without considering whether there might be a vampire in the vicinity. Personally I would have recommended him to develop a little self-control during his many years in existence, at least to a sufficient degree to avoid him making silly faces whenever a menstruating woman is nearby.
Stupidest New Character Name
Rafe Prudhomme
Gladiola the Half-Demon
Jade Flower – Clumsily faux-asian.
Worst Misunderstanding of the Concept of Irony
“my grandmother believed that plants, like birds and dogs, belonged outside; ironically enough, I'd gotten some houseplants when she died, and I was trying hard to keep them alive”
That’s not ironic Sookie. Disrespectful of your grandmothers wishes perhaps, but not ironic.
Most Snobbish/Small-minded Reaction
“The sheets startled me so much that I stood there with my lips curled. They were disgusting: black satin, for God's sake! And not even real satin, but some synthetic. Give me percale or 100% cotton, any day.”
Although I suppose it’s entirely in character for someone who is apparently shocked and amazed by the kind of basic goth accoutrements that the average 12-year-old might wear without a second thought. Black lipstick and striped tights really aren’t all that bizarre Sookie.
Most Clichéd Plot Development
Claudine the Fairy turns out to not only be Sookie’s Fairy Godmother, but also engaged in committing good deeds in order to become an angel. A nonsensical conflation of pre-Christian folk beliefs, traditional fairy tales and non-canonical biblical mumbo-jumbo often spouted in TV specials featuring desperate, mentally-ill people. Plus whilst informing Sookie of these facts Claudine compounds the horror by referring to Sookie as “The Sook”.
Most Noticeable Casual Racism
“The guard himself was a sturdy man with brown skin and a nose as curved as a rainbow. He'd been born somewhere in the Middle East, once-upon a time”
Most Unintentionally Revealing Remark
"Sorry, anyone who knows me knows I don't do women. I don't know who you expect Jade Flower's reporting to …" "But if they've done any homework, that's just a fact about me."
Absolutely everyone that Sookie knows, without exception, knows that there is no way that she would ever have sex with a woman. How? Presumably the subject hasn’t arisen independently with every one of her acquaintances. The only way this could make sense is if Sookie is known to have a prejudice against lesbians. Which, given that she has a prejudice against all women other than her, would certainly make sense.
Most Unnecessary and Vain Self-Description/Most Extended Criticism of a Dead Relative’s Taste in Clothes
“I checked out Hadley's clothes that I'd wriggled into. The black spandex workout pants came to midthigh. Hadley probably had never worn them, because they would have been too big, to her taste. On me, they were very snug, but not the snug Hadley liked, where you could count the … oh, never mind. The hot pink tank top left my pale pink bra straps showing, to say nothing of a couple of inches of my middle, but thanks to Peck's Tan-a-Lot (located inside Peck's Bunch-o-Flicks, a video rental place in Bon Temps), that middle was nice and brown. Hadley would have put a piece of jewelry in her belly button.”
A particularly fine example of Sookie’s tendency to combine an obsession with her own clothes and person with a compulsion to belittle others in comparison with herself. In this case the person suffering her scorn is her troubled and recently deceased cousin, making her catty barbs all the more cruel and unnecessary.
To make it worse, this is then followed by the longest and most boring description of someone putting their hair into a pony-tail ever committed to paper, breaking Harris’ previous record with ease. Amid the details of the pony-tail’s exact length and Sookie’s ability to centre it exactly, we also witness two men being reduced to gasping lust by the sight of Sookie’s lycra-covered arse. Sookie initially purports to be ignorant of the cause of their reaction, before realising:
“After another glance in the mirror, it occurred to me that maybe anything I did in that outfit was fairly interesting, if you were a fully functional guy.”
Showing either massive vanity of an incredibly low opinion of all males. Although to be fair most males in Sookie’s world are guilty or sexual assault and/or rape, so maybe she has a point.
Least Helpful Response to a Sexual Assault
Quinn’s descent into a massive sulk because he was unable to stop Sookie being kidnapped and once more molested, and instead had to be rescued by her even though it’s embarrassing being rescued by a woman. In case you think this is just a personal interpretation of the text :
“But his mind, ah, that was full of snarled confusion and anger that he couldn't find a place to stuff. "Did I help you? Did I free you? Did I protect you from the fucking Weres? No, I let that son of a bitch stick his finger up you, and I watched, I couldn't do anything.”
Oh. Male pride. "
You got my hands free," I pointed out. "And you can help me now."
"How?" he turned to me, and he was deeply upset. I realized that he was a guy who took his protecting very seriously...
I knew that Quinn … was in a funk because he hadn't killed all our attackers and saved me from being sullied by their touch.”
Nice medieval attitude Quinn. Don’t thank Sookie or show any sensitivity regarding what just happened. Just go into a strop like a big fat baby because someone else touched your woman and disrespected you.
Furthermore, Quinn is the kind of man who walks into a room naked and says “Do you like what you see?” So, all-in-all a grade-A arsehole. Which is of course Sookie’s type.
The novel finally comes to an end with yet another badly written and dull vampire battle, after which Sookie returns home with the addition of two randomly added sidekicks, a witch and the man she has accidentally turned into a cat. I’m not sure whether Harris has purloined this plot device from [b:A Bad Spell for the The Worst Witch|1042367|A Bad Spell For The Worst Witch (Worst Witch, Book #3)|Jill Murphy|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1180458258s/1042367.jpg|1356128], Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or even Sabrina the Teenage Witch, but I am certain that I didn’t want to see it again. The loose ends are wrapped up and the next book clumsily set-up in three pages and then the book mercifully closes with the standard threat of yet another volume of this trash.
Book four, and the addition of the hackneyed ‘amnesia’ device and some blood drinking were-witches does nothing to help Harris’s lazy characters and poor plot development skills.
This series is so consistently and repetitively poor that it’s hard to know how to express my disgust. I’ve resorted to highlighting a few points of particular chagrin to me:
Most nonsensical point:
States Sookie. Fair enough. Crystal is odd. Sookie is judgemental. Why would it surprise Sookie that Crystal is from a nearby centre of oddness? Except that Sookie hasn’t yet met Crystal, and has no idea she’s a bit odd. All she knows about her is her name, and that she’s been seen with Jason. Either a continuity error or an indication that all Jason’s sexual conquests have mental health problems by default, due to some as-yet undiscussed predilection of his.
Most notable inconsistency:
So far in the series Vampires are the only “Supes” to have made their existence public knowledge. I know this to be the case because Harris restates it in full at least twice per book. So when Sookie goes to visit a fellow waitress who specifically stated she hardly knows Sookie, why do they immediately begin chatting about werewolves without even a vestige of tact or concealment? Not a very effective means of keeping the secrets of a group of potentially deadly monsters. Possibly it was ill-advised of so many “Supes” to have trusted the most air-headed idiot in the Western Hemisphere with the knowledge of their existence. Then again, they are all sexually obsessed with her, so I suppose it was inevitable. Not sure how the other waitress knows though. Perhaps werewolves are an open secret in the service industry?
Stupidest assumption:
That becoming a Wiccan entails immediately dying your hair “matte black and spiked.” having four piercings in each ear, becoming anorexic and having cheap jeans. I think Harris is thinking of goths. Unfortunately she has apparently never met any, and has to base her description of them on a “Freak to Chic” episode of Ricki Lake she vaguely remembers from a few years back. Either that or she’s just an idiot.
Worst Lines:
Most of the sex scene in Chapter 6, particularly:
Not appropriate in a sex scene. Or indeed ever.
No. No, no, no, no.
Easily discarded, suddenly lamented, immediately forgotten again. Not only hypocritical, but a bizarrely old-fashioned concept to raise in the first place.
There is summat seriously wrong with Harris if she considers this an acceptable sentence.
Finally the scene is topped-off with Sookie reassuring Eric about his penis size. An insecurity you would have thought he’d have been able to overcome in 1000+ years, but it appears not.
All-in-all, appalling.
Worst Compliment
From Eric. Whilst he has amnesia. Making Sookie’s effectively the only breasts he has ever seen, and his schoolboy flirting pretty poorly thought-through.
Least self-aware statement:
Strange, since Sookie has found herself in exactly this predicament at least three times per book so far in the series. Even if she has no knowledge of the world whatsoever, you would assume she could remember her own life experiences. Particularly since random bursts of pathetic and unrealistic lust are the only emotions Sookie experiences other than self-pity, cute annoyance, and deep pain when her hair or clothing is disarranged.
Greatest Display of Social Ignorance:
1. Religion
Nobody at all Sookie? Bearing in mind that you have met countless vampires including one who is a 1000+ year old Viking, werewolves, shape-shifters, several serial killer, a maenad and a goblin? All of whom you are absolutely sure are Christians? Even though at least one of them is specifically a follower of a pre-Christian god? Gods, you’re stupid.
To add to this, Sookie is the kind of selfish, canting Christian who can disapprove of sex outside marriage and/or with numerous partners whilst excusing herself because:
Fair enough Sookie. You are special and no one has ever suffered like you. On no account rethink your prescriptive moral beliefs when you find them to be unliveable. Just continue judging everyone else for not abiding by them whilst assigning yourself a convenient get-out clause.
2. Gender Politics
Sookie is the kind of modern, post-feminist woman who considers an offer from a middle-aged stranger to physically protect her in return for sexual favours and the right to own her as being pretty gentlemanly and “not something to get all snitty about”. After all, he didn’t use any bad language or innuendo when making the offer. How chivalrous of him.
3. International Politics and History
“bad should be overcome. That's the American model.”
Not just ignorant, but also massively offensive.
Stupidest conceptual opposition
versus
Two clearly defined and obviously contrasting groups if you have a low IQ and fail to grasp the concept of Political Correctness almost completely.
Least imaginative description:
Thanks Sookie. You really evoked the experience of seeing a hog shot. Smelly, like pig and blood. Brilliant.
Recurring elements of which I am bored:
In each Sookie Stackhouse book so much previous plot and so many old characters are re-described in terms almost identical to the last occasion(s) they were mentioned, that I can only assume that Harris’s main writing tool is the copy-paste shortcut. Some of the numerous examples include:
• Bubba. Just stop.
• Sookie continuously sexually harassed as a form of courtship.
• Weirdly-detailed description of the lay-out of Sookie’s house, and which parts she lives in to keep her utility bills low. Why does Harris feel the need to keep telling me this?
• Sookie pulling her hair back into a pony tail over and over again. Thanks Sookie, but I’m now more than aware of your favourite hairstyle. Plus it’s not adding a great deal to my enjoyment of the book.
• Sookie reiterating that she has had any number of sexual fantasies about Sam, or Alcide, or Eric, or whichever other man has just entered the room.
• Sookie describing in mind-numbing detail the clothes and hair of everyone she meets, plus the dullest items of furniture and architecture in any room she enters, no matter how many times she has already done so. With all this listing and obsession with detail, I’m beginning to wonder if Sookie is borderline autistic.
• Sookie stating that she is on a learning-curve. If that’s the case Sookie, then why in 4 books have you learnt nothing whatsoever? Other than new vocabulary from your oddly-appropriate word-of-the-day calendar, obviously.
• Sookie stating “I’m not educated, but I’m not dumb.” Yes you are Sookie. Spectacularly dumb. As well as being extremely defensive. Hence your constant insistence that you couldn’t get on at school purely because of your telepathy, even though working in a crowded bar gives you little or no trouble.
And finally, how can any writer be as unimaginative and stupid as to call the main Wiccan character Hallow?
I would like to think that these books can’t get any worse, but if this is the best Harris can manage four books in then I guess there’s not much hope of improvement.
This series is so consistently and repetitively poor that it’s hard to know how to express my disgust. I’ve resorted to highlighting a few points of particular chagrin to me:
Most nonsensical point:
“The Hotshot kids who attended the Bon Temps school always stuck together,and they were all a smidge . . . different.
It didn't surprise me at all that Crystal lived in Hotshot.”
States Sookie. Fair enough. Crystal is odd. Sookie is judgemental. Why would it surprise Sookie that Crystal is from a nearby centre of oddness? Except that Sookie hasn’t yet met Crystal, and has no idea she’s a bit odd. All she knows about her is her name, and that she’s been seen with Jason. Either a continuity error or an indication that all Jason’s sexual conquests have mental health problems by default, due to some as-yet undiscussed predilection of his.
Most notable inconsistency:
So far in the series Vampires are the only “Supes” to have made their existence public knowledge. I know this to be the case because Harris restates it in full at least twice per book. So when Sookie goes to visit a fellow waitress who specifically stated she hardly knows Sookie, why do they immediately begin chatting about werewolves without even a vestige of tact or concealment? Not a very effective means of keeping the secrets of a group of potentially deadly monsters. Possibly it was ill-advised of so many “Supes” to have trusted the most air-headed idiot in the Western Hemisphere with the knowledge of their existence. Then again, they are all sexually obsessed with her, so I suppose it was inevitable. Not sure how the other waitress knows though. Perhaps werewolves are an open secret in the service industry?
Stupidest assumption:
That becoming a Wiccan entails immediately dying your hair “matte black and spiked.” having four piercings in each ear, becoming anorexic and having cheap jeans. I think Harris is thinking of goths. Unfortunately she has apparently never met any, and has to base her description of them on a “Freak to Chic” episode of Ricki Lake she vaguely remembers from a few years back. Either that or she’s just an idiot.
Worst Lines:
Most of the sex scene in Chapter 6, particularly:
“Yikes. Yahoo. Yum”
Not appropriate in a sex scene. Or indeed ever.
“I kind of folded Mr. Happy up against Eric's stomach, so I could reach around him and get my fingers on that absolutely gorgeous butt.”
No. No, no, no, no.
“the truth was it hurt to remember my previous one-man status, now gone for good.”
Easily discarded, suddenly lamented, immediately forgotten again. Not only hypocritical, but a bizarrely old-fashioned concept to raise in the first place.
“my breasts, which were practically quivering like puppies who wanted to be petted.”
There is summat seriously wrong with Harris if she considers this an acceptable sentence.
Finally the scene is topped-off with Sookie reassuring Eric about his penis size. An insecurity you would have thought he’d have been able to overcome in 1000+ years, but it appears not.
All-in-all, appalling.
Worst Compliment
"You have the most beautiful breasts I've ever seen.”
From Eric. Whilst he has amnesia. Making Sookie’s effectively the only breasts he has ever seen, and his schoolboy flirting pretty poorly thought-through.
Least self-aware statement:
“I had never realized a woman could have to struggle to keep her hands off a man.”
Strange, since Sookie has found herself in exactly this predicament at least three times per book so far in the series. Even if she has no knowledge of the world whatsoever, you would assume she could remember her own life experiences. Particularly since random bursts of pathetic and unrealistic lust are the only emotions Sookie experiences other than self-pity, cute annoyance, and deep pain when her hair or clothing is disarranged.
Greatest Display of Social Ignorance:
1. Religion
“Oddly, my first feeling was one of embarrassment, when I heard Holly tell me that she was a non-Christian. I'd never met anyone who didn't at least pretend to be a Christian or who didn't give lip-service to the basic Christian precepts.”
Nobody at all Sookie? Bearing in mind that you have met countless vampires including one who is a 1000+ year old Viking, werewolves, shape-shifters, several serial killer, a maenad and a goblin? All of whom you are absolutely sure are Christians? Even though at least one of them is specifically a follower of a pre-Christian god? Gods, you’re stupid.
To add to this, Sookie is the kind of selfish, canting Christian who can disapprove of sex outside marriage and/or with numerous partners whilst excusing herself because:
“I figured God had made me with the disability of telepathy, and he could cut me a little slack on the sex thing”
Fair enough Sookie. You are special and no one has ever suffered like you. On no account rethink your prescriptive moral beliefs when you find them to be unliveable. Just continue judging everyone else for not abiding by them whilst assigning yourself a convenient get-out clause.
2. Gender Politics
Sookie is the kind of modern, post-feminist woman who considers an offer from a middle-aged stranger to physically protect her in return for sexual favours and the right to own her as being pretty gentlemanly and “not something to get all snitty about”. After all, he didn’t use any bad language or innuendo when making the offer. How chivalrous of him.
3. International Politics and History
“bad should be overcome. That's the American model.”
Not just ignorant, but also massively offensive.
Stupidest conceptual opposition
“Any red-blooded male who'd ever gone hunting,”
versus
“any P.C. guy who photographed nature”
Two clearly defined and obviously contrasting groups if you have a low IQ and fail to grasp the concept of Political Correctness almost completely.
Least imaginative description:
“the sow collapsed and died. She reeked of pig and blood.”
Thanks Sookie. You really evoked the experience of seeing a hog shot. Smelly, like pig and blood. Brilliant.
Recurring elements of which I am bored:
In each Sookie Stackhouse book so much previous plot and so many old characters are re-described in terms almost identical to the last occasion(s) they were mentioned, that I can only assume that Harris’s main writing tool is the copy-paste shortcut. Some of the numerous examples include:
• Bubba. Just stop.
• Sookie continuously sexually harassed as a form of courtship.
• Weirdly-detailed description of the lay-out of Sookie’s house, and which parts she lives in to keep her utility bills low. Why does Harris feel the need to keep telling me this?
• Sookie pulling her hair back into a pony tail over and over again. Thanks Sookie, but I’m now more than aware of your favourite hairstyle. Plus it’s not adding a great deal to my enjoyment of the book.
• Sookie reiterating that she has had any number of sexual fantasies about Sam, or Alcide, or Eric, or whichever other man has just entered the room.
• Sookie describing in mind-numbing detail the clothes and hair of everyone she meets, plus the dullest items of furniture and architecture in any room she enters, no matter how many times she has already done so. With all this listing and obsession with detail, I’m beginning to wonder if Sookie is borderline autistic.
• Sookie stating that she is on a learning-curve. If that’s the case Sookie, then why in 4 books have you learnt nothing whatsoever? Other than new vocabulary from your oddly-appropriate word-of-the-day calendar, obviously.
• Sookie stating “I’m not educated, but I’m not dumb.” Yes you are Sookie. Spectacularly dumb. As well as being extremely defensive. Hence your constant insistence that you couldn’t get on at school purely because of your telepathy, even though working in a crowded bar gives you little or no trouble.
And finally, how can any writer be as unimaginative and stupid as to call the main Wiccan character Hallow?
I would like to think that these books can’t get any worse, but if this is the best Harris can manage four books in then I guess there’s not much hope of improvement.