Worse and worse. Yet another Stackhouse “mystery” principally made up of Sookie flirting with every man of her acquaintance in turn, doing her hair, painting her nails, choosing her various hideous outfits and unnecessarily judging people she barely knows for the flimsiest and most vacuous of reasons, e.g : “His companion’s face might have been sculpted from marble. Had the woman never heard of a tanning bed?” . Presumably in Sookie’s world the only skin tones acceptable are dead or orange.
The new element in this reheated trash is an English pirate vampire. You can tell he’s a pirate because he wears an eye-patch, has pirate facial hair, wears a pirate shirt and scarf and introduces himself as a pirate. That’s about as subtle as Harris gets. With similar skill she has named him “Sir” Charles Twining, presumably after Prince Charles and Twinings tea, they being the only two English things she could think of. He is, according to Eric “the least temperamental vampire I’ve ever met, though I confess I don’t know him well. He’s been working here only two weeks.” Which seems rather a rash judgement, particularly from someone who has had more than a thousand years in which to learn character assessment and the dangers of hastiness.
Besides the introduction of this dull new vampire, barely differentiated from any of Harris’ previous leaden attempts at characterisation, almost nothing happens. The majority of the book is taken up with repetitious material from previous books and mind-numbing descriptions of the exact damage Sookie’s house suffers in a fire, and the repairs she intends to make. These would no doubt be of interest to me if I worked for Sookie’s insurance company, but since this is not the case I struggled to care.
Meanwhile Sookie continues to lust after any male she meets and equally to hate every female, for such excellent reasons as wearing too much make-up, the aforementioned not having a tan, of for having the temerity to be seen anywhere near Sookie’s ex. Although obviously it is perfectly acceptable for Sookie to be all over anyone else’s ex, and any other male in her vicinity.
Finally the “mystery” of who is behind a spate of shootings is solved via two explanations, one a pathetically basic excuse for character motivation dispensed with in two paragraphs, and the other a convoluted string of barely-related events that even Sookie finds to make little sense. Sookie is once again sexually harassed by a potential new love interest, various characters we don’t really know end up dead, and the next book in this relentlessly poor series is clumsily set-up.

Most Ridiculous New Character Name
Sweetie Des Arts
Jeff LaBeff
Randall Shurtliff – Do they not have the expression “Shirt-Lifter” in the USA?
Twins Dixon and Dixie
Selah Pumphrey


Most Worrying Fact About Merlotte’s
Any woman not dressed up according to local standards (e.g not in a skin-tight cocktail dress or a terra-cotta pant suit, with full make-up) is working. If she isn’t clearly garbed as a prostitute then the only other work she can possibly be doing is dealing drugs. Obviously in Bon Temps it doesn’t do for a woman to flaunt the dress code unless she doesn’t mind some pretty unpleasant assumptions being made about her.


Vainest Self-Description / Worst Synonym for “Breasts”

“I knew he was taking in my jeans, which were on the tight side, and my tummy,which was on the flat side, and my soft fuzzy white sweater, which was filled with natural bounty.”

Most Repetitive Use of Telepathy
Sookie stops a drunk causing trouble by reading his mind and discovering that the most effective weapon to use against him is his fear of upsetting his mother. Ten pages later she does exactly the same thing with another drunk in another bar. Presumably all drunks in her area have unresolved mother issues. In which case, I wonder why she bothers to read their minds at all.


Most Sexist Statement

“Every woman wants to know what’s appropriate to wear,” I said. “Thanks. I won’t wear pants.”

In reference, incidentally, to dressing for a funeral. Particularly badly phrased if you’re British, where pants often means underwear. Although Sookie probably would go to a funeral with no knickers on if Alcide told her to.

Most Airheaded Statement

“Finally, I felt relaxed, and when I crawled into my bed I had achieved peace through pampering.”

Most Affectedly Provincial Statement

“I was a little shocked at the idea of one man owning two cars:”

Most Annoying Avoidance of Swearing

“Effing”/ “Eff off.”

Just say fuck, Sookie.
If Harris can’t bring herself to make Sookie swear then she should just avoid the issue altogether, as writing the phrase “No effing thanks” is an invitation to ridicule.

“Jesus Christ, shepherd of Judea.”

Sookie says this at least three times per book. Each time it seems more ridiculous than the last.


Worst Display of Detective Abilities

“I assumed the shooter was almost certainly a guy. I knew plenty of women who went hunting and plenty more with access to rifles. But weren’t snipers always men?”

Sookie once again demonstrates that she is not bright. Speaking of which…


Stupidest Thing Sookie Does
Re-enter the burning house she has just been rescued from in order to get her handbag, keys and slippers. Even when she can’t find the slippers she risks her life to get a pair of socks.


Most Puzzling Statement

“The man’s wallet proved to be in his jacket, which seemed a little unusual to me”

I assume I’m missing summat here. How is this unusual?
Admittedly it later transpires that the character apparently never kept his wallet in his jacket pocket, but even leaving aside how unlikely it is that someone would be known for where they keep their wallet, there is no way Sookie could know this. Another example of Harris labouring the “clues” in her “mystery” so heavily that they actually become nonsensical continuity errors.


Most Socially Naïve Statement
Sookie on finding out that some men have used a woman for sex:

“But this is America,” I protested. “How can they do that?”

After this ridiculous remark, and presumably in a bid to prevent any slur on the name of her beloved country or her beloved men, Sookie is as always quick to lay blame on the woman in question for getting involved in this situation, as always not letting any empathy or fellow-feeling prevent her from judging others. Eric supports this misogyny, and soon Tara is thoroughly chastised for inconveniencing poor little good-girl Sookie by having been used and mistreated by two vampires whose strength and power she has no recourse against. Incidentally, Tara’s crime is to have become sexually involved with two vampires, and to have accepted gifts from both of them. Since Sookie has done exactly the same thing I have difficulty in seeing why the weight of the author’s moral judgement comes down so hard on Tara alone.


Worst Character
“Bubba.” Please just leave it now. It’s not funny, it’s not clever, and it apparently necessitates his whole back-story being reeled off once per book. Plus he contributes nothing, except illustrating the fact that Harris cannot conceive of anyone who is not a fan of Elvis. No matter how many hundreds of years you have been alive, how many sights you have seen and how much music you have heard, you must love “The King.”
This particular appearance from him is particularly bad, as it occasions a truly terrible Columbo-style “and one last thing” moment from Sookie. Although being as mentally deficient as Sookie is this moment doesn’t come until after the secret assassin has revealed themselves and attacked her. Which to be honest is a little late for deduction, although Sookie seems proud of herself.
I can only be thankful that he has yet to appear in the True Blood TV series. Although if he does it will at least indicate exactly when the show has crossed the line into appalling, and therefore when I should stop watching.