literatureaesthetic's Reviews (540)

Rating: ★★★★

“I just really need it to be a love story, you know? I really, really need it to be that.”

“I know,” she says.

“Because if it isn’t a love story, then what is it?” I look to her glassy eyes, her face of wide open empathy. “It’s my life,” I say. “This has been my whole life.”

I think my review should start with listing the trigger warnings, because this book deals with a LOT of sensitive issues and it is not one that I would blindly recommend to anyone. If you're thinking of reading this, please be careful with yourself and make sure you're in the right mindset because it is not an easy book to read.
TW: Rape, paedophilia, grooming, gaslighting, sexual assault, suicide, victim shaming, manipulation

Kate Elizabeth Russell really throws you into the story. There is no holding back. From the get go, this book is dark and emotional and difficult to read. My Dark Vanessa deals with a girl who is sexually abused and raped by her English teacher, Jacob Strane, throughout her time at school. It features a main character who, in order to cope, rationalises the trauma she faces and persuades herself that the abuse she was victim of, was love. It switches between past and present tense. The reader sees Vanessa suffer through the abuse, we also see how this abuse has shaped Vanessa's life as an adult.

One thing that I found quite profound, was how grounded in reality this novel was. The pop culture references, e.g. Vanessa's romanticisation of Lolita and the music that is referenced throughout the novel, reveals how prevalent and normalised the sexualisation of young women is in modern day culture.

Kate Elizabeth Russell also highlights a very important issue of allowing women to deal with their trauma at their own pace. The mention of the #MeToo movement, a movement that is supposed to give survivors a safe place and a platform to share their sexual assault experiences, is instead a movement used by journalists to crowd and pressurise women to share their stories. Rather than letting Vanessa deal with her trauma, and talk about it when she's ready, if she wants to, the journalists and the other student who was also abused by Jacob Strane, instead push and pressure Vanessa to speak out about her abuse. The author raises an important topic of letting women deal with their trauma in the way that they decide is right for themselves.

"That's what people keep saying, that you need to speak out no matter the cost."

"No," she says firmly. "That's wrong. It's a dangerous amount of pressure to put on someone dealing with trauma."

"Then why do they keep saying it? Because it's not just this journalist. It's every woman who comes forward. But if someone doesn't want to come forward and tell the world every bad thing that's happened to her, then she's what? Weak? Selfish? The whole thing is bullshit."

Seeing all of the different reactions to the abuse Vanessa suffered is also interesting. The author raises the important point that sexual abuse can affect everyone around the victim. While Vanessa turns to minimising the abuse she suffered, her mother decides to pretend it didn't happen at all. The mother's reaction did not help Vanessa in the slightest and by the end of the novel, we see that the mother definitely regrets the way she dealt with the Vanessa's abuse.

'"Sometime I think I was looking out for you. Police, lawyers, a trial. I didn't want them to tear you apart. Other time I think I was just scared... I hope you can forgive me."'

The author emphasises that there is no "correct" way to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse. Everyone, whether it is the victim or the family of the victim, will deal with the trauma in a different way. It may not be the healthiest way of dealing with things and it may not be what the victim needs, but Russell highlights that abuse can cause trauma that is so deeply-rooted, it affects everyone: the victim and the family of the victim.

We also get glimpses into the mind of Jacob Strane, the abuser. Although there aren't any chapters written in his point of view, we begin to see brief flashes into his mind through the conversation he has with Vanessa. For example, the way he attempts to justify the abuse, or constantly asks for validation and comfort from Vanessa. His attempts to rationalise the abuse is sickening to read,

"You and I started long before I ever laid a hand on you." He says this so forcefully, I can tell he's said it to himself many times before.

This novel is bleak and eerie and absolutely horrifying to read at times. The reality is that the abuse that Vanessa suffers, is the abuse that many young girls and boys can be a victim of. Vanessa didn't have an extremely difficult home life. Strane grooms her into sexual abuse by making her feel like she is special and unique and rare. He succeeds by manipulating Vanessa. This abuse could happen to any teenager or child, and that's scariest thing about this book. It's not fiction, it's reality.

These characters aren't ones you will love, and that's because this novel isn't supposed to be read for enjoyment. My Dark Vanessa is a book written to educate and help people to understand that we have a long way to go on understanding the reality of sexual abuse, rape and trauma. This is such an important novel. It raises so many important topics and discussions, and it's a novel everyone should read if you're in the right mindset.

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4 ☆ - 'Nothing matters, and nothing lasts. Everyone forgets, and everything disappears. The things you do, the things you are, it's all nothing. Would anyone miss you, if you went away? Would anyone look for you? Would anyone listen, or even care, if I hurt you? If I put my hands around your neck and crushed your windpipe and chopped you up, would anyone find you? And if it's a no to any of these, did you even exist in the first place?'

holy shit, this book.

I went into this knowing hardly anything other than that this book has developed a reputation for being "American Psycho, but for women"..... and so, naturally, i had to read it.

I can't even begin to explain the effect this book had on me, it quite literally is indescribable. I'm still unsure of whether i loved this, or completely despised it. I felt like i needed a shower after finishing this, to wash away the dirty and gritty feeling it left me with. I enjoyed this as much as you can enjoy a book following a literal sociopath. It was interesting and addictive, in a weird way. No matter how appalled and horrified i felt, no matter how awful the mc made me feel, i still needed to finish the story? It's like watching a horror film, and you just know a disaster is about to happen, but you can't look away, no matter how much you want to.

It took me a few days to determine a rating. I spent the entire book hating what i was reading, despising the sociopathic and narcissistic main character. The eating disorder rep was shockingly bad, and that was also driving me insane. I quickly realised that this isn't a book intended to have good rep. It was written to be as dark and twisted as possible. It's a mindfuck, and that's all. It does mean that this book uses sensitive topics both gratuitously and exploitatively, and for shock value. Please bare that in mind, it definitely won't be for everyone.

One of my favourite things that Eliza Clark did with this book is invert the male gaze into the female gaze. Irina's photography and objectification of men creates an uncomfortable and shocking reversal of gender roles. It was refreshing, it was disconcerting. I loved it, and i hated it. I think Eliza Clark is a genius (a terrifying genius lool).

My only solid complaint, is that the ending did feel redundant. The entire story followed Irina slowly losing control and getting angrier, and then it just ended before anything really happens with that rage?? It definitely leaves you desiring more. Whether that was intended or not, im not sure. I do wish something more climatic had happened at the end? But that's just me, it is definitely a personal preference thing.

This "review" was chaotic and rambley and i have NO idea if it made any sense, if you think this would be your thing, give it a go? But it definitely won't be everyones vibe.

somehow gotta continue with my day as if i didn't just read the most feral, deranged, hell on earth novel

my brain hurts

this book is an intimate character study of a really lonely & sad woman as she tries to navigate living in an unfulfilling marriage. elodie, our protagonist, becomes obsessed with this seemingly perfect couple who have just moved into town. ‘cursed bread’ is primarily a dark look into the mind of a woman who's consumed with this desire to be someone else. it's an exploration of obsession & hysteria, more than anything

it's written in an almost a stream of consciousness style, kinda like a meandering spiral of thoughts and feelings. this style of writing is usually very hit or miss for me, but it reallly worked in here

analysing the complexity of marriage & relationships from a female lens, 'cursed bread' is erotic and seductive but also so emotional and raw. it gets really unhinged towards the end, i still don't know what happened but i liked the vibes, lol

i bought this book on a whim. i hadn't heard many people talk about it, but it seemed intruiging enough. taking a chance, and buying this was the best decision. this was very well done. it was funny and witty, while still remaining sincere, and it was exactly what i needed at the time. exploring friendships and family dynamics, as well as what it's like to be a woman in your 30s. it delves into online dating culture, and just simply trying to navigate life.

i tend to stay away from these "lighter" and quick contemporary novels, they just never really seemed like my kinda thing. but Ghosts was such a pleasant surprise. while it was still quite fun with slight rom-com vibes, it was also extremely raw and real, through Nina's struggles of having a dad with dementia, and her feelings of loneliness with being a single woman who's friends are all in long-term relationships. it was almost melancholic at times, which i really loved. i liked the discussions on gender (male privileges, and the double standards for women), and that it explores single life vs married life, and presenting how there's benefits and struggles to both.

overall, it was such a fun time, it dragged me out of a reading slump that i was in, and i finished it soo quickly, it took me 2 or 3 days. i definitely recommend this, i'm so glad i read it, and i can't wait to read allll of Dolly Alderton's other work!!

‘weyward’ is a magical realism novel following three different members of the weyward family

documenting patterns of oppression through generations, ‘weyward’ remarks on the unchanging, stagnant battles against patriarchy. hart portrays the ways in which gendered oppression is rebranded through time, and how that rebrand is labelled “progression” - for example, women are no longer burned at the stake, but over a million women in the uk are victims of domestic abuse (and that’s only reported abuse). the novel portrays how women continue to fight for the same basic rights - from safe abortion to the simple feeling of security. at it’s core, this is a story that gives agency and voice to those silenced women, highlighting female strength and resilience in spite of all the adversity women face

this book was a lot lmao, it was very heavy (search tw), but beautifully constructed. i loved each perspective equally, and i adored all the ways that each pov intertwined. i cannot wait to see what emilia hart works on next!!
very much recommend
❤️‍

never been so underwhelmed by an ending

the ending?? wtf lol

i actually had a lot of fun with this. i liked it more than book one, for sure. the characters are (marginally) maturer — or maybe i've just gotten used to everyone acting like they have one functioning brain cell, who knows

the haites are carrying this series for me, i loved julian in this. i began to tolerate bj, but i don't think i'm ever gonna get the obsession with him

overall, it was better than expected
3.5☆

'the waves' is an extremely complex experimental novel, primarily about friendship. the story itself consists of vignette-like glimpses into 6 characters lives, we follow them from childhood up until old age, witnessing their anxieties, insecurities, struggles and growth. at its core, it's simply a story about living. the narration follows the course of their life, with brief poetic interludes following the course of the day. both times are mirrored (e.g. the sunrise is linked to the characters childhood, sunset with old age etc.) it's very cleverly written, in my opinion.

but, it's an extremely difficult novel for me to rate. as a literature student, i think it's a masterpiece. as a reader, it was a pain in the arse. the writing is absolutely gorgeous. poetic, mesmerising, dreamy. but the content is so difficult to grasp. in accordance with the modernist literary movement (a movement that's all about deviating from traditional literary norms and reinventing literature. basically, abstract art), virginia woolf adopts a stream of consciousness narrative style that, while being beautifully intricate and complex, is exhausting to read. simply because you have to spend so much time trying to extract the basic meaning of what is being said.

while i appreciate woolf showing the beauty and value in relaying "quieter" stories like this, where we're merely following character's every day lives, i don't think her work is entirely for me?? i'm definitely down to try another one of her novels. but not any time soon, i don't think.

[ read for university ]

"Women these days – what have you got to whine about?"

makes me wanna riot