kyatic's Reviews (974)


In At the Deep End is a comedy(ish) novel about Julia, who's 26 and has only just realised that she's gay. As she explores what her sexuality means to her, she begins a relationship with Sam, who seems like the perfect woman. Until she doesn't.

This book has been billed as the gay Bridget Jones. It's not. Although it is absolutely hilarious in parts ('she looked just like I do in the daydreams where I'm a bohemian novelist and part-time detective living in Berlin') it's much darker. The primary plotline alongside Julia's sexuality is her abusive relationship with Sam, which is incredibly sinister and frightening at times. The humour here is great, but it's not solely a comedy, and it's definitely not a romantic one. There's a lot of graphic sex here, but again, it's not erotica; often the sex is a metonym for the power balance in their relationship rather than something supposed to be arousing.

This book shows how queer relationships are not immune to abusive dynamics, and how gender is not the sole power imbalance that can result in such relationships. It also explores polyamory, both its benefits and the dangers of not doing it respectfully, and I found that interesting. It showed that there's nuance to the subject.

Julia is an excellent protagonist and narrator and being in her head was a wild ride. I enjoyed this book immensely, but I'm glad I didn't go into it expecting a lighthearted read. This isn't that. What it is is a coming of age novel about someone realising they're queer slightly later than the default narrative, and their attempts to catch up with the community and forge a coherent identity, and their pitfalls along the way. I absolutely recommend this, but not without a bit of awareness for those who are sensitive to the issues portrayed.

Tw: rape, racism, self harm, emotional abuse, threats of suicide, adultery, death, unsafe sex, bdsm

I loved this one. It does many things well; explores the intersection of faith and sexuality and the possibility of reconciling the two, talks about performative tolerance in communities which speak of acceptance whilst oppressing people they claim to support. Perhaps its best achievement, though, is the treatment of being openly queer or in the closet.

I think we use a lot of language about coming out that revolves around bravery, and that makes sense because coming out is a scary act and it's absolutely brave to do it, but sometimes I feel we risk speaking of those who don't or can't come out as cowards because they haven't taken that brave step. We forget that some people are absolutely unable to come out for reasons of safety, or even their lives. People aren't inherently less brave because they can't come out.

That's what Autoboyography explores well. Tanner knows he deserves more than to be Seb's secret, but he also knows he can't force Seb to come out and lose his whole community and family. He never thinks less of Seb for being in the closet, even as he wonders whether it's fair for Seb to expect him to wait around. It shows how complicated an issue it is.

A really great and surprisingly upbeat (but also heartbreaking) novel about discovering your identity and navigating accepting it when to do so could cost you everything.