Book the seventh. This first book that doesn’t involve a changeling in the relationship and I have to say that that made me a little hesitant going in. I’m invested in the world now, and definitely interested in what’s gonna happen with the breaking down of the Council and the PsyNet, for sure, but I got into this series for the, as my partner has been calling it “sexy jaguars.” So, yea, I am still powering through this series, but was less hype for this particular installment (especially after the awesome dual changeling mating we got in the last book). 

The romance here is between Devraj Santos, now the director of Shine, the organization we learned about in Tally and Clay’s story. That organization works to identify and help/support descendants of the Psy who chose to defect when the original decision to adopt Silence was made (known as The Forgotten). He’s intense and single-minded in that goal. Katya Haas is a pure Psy, but though she had worked for the Council, she also assisted Ashaya (prior to Ashaya’s escape and mating with Dorian, of course). So, she is like, a good(?) Psy. And though everyone assumed she had died when Ashaya’s lab was destroyed, she was actually kidnapped by Council member Ming (the big bad of the Council) and tortured (deep content warnings here, as there have been for all these stories, especially violence, mental rape, confinement, parent death, general trauma) for months, turned into a weapon, without control over her own mind. When she is dropped on Dev’s doorstep, his protective instincts kick in, and their inescapable connection will lead to either them saving each other or one (or both) of their deaths. 

Again, as these novels continue, Singh manages to do a great job continuing to add depth to the world she’s created, this time focusing on The Forgotten, those Psy who chose not to adopt Silence. Although those decisions were made a century prior, there are some interesting excerpts from letters (no spoilers on how the author is related to this story’s characters) elucidating how and why the decision for Silence was originally made. And though it isn’t perhaps the best or safest answer to the problem, it becomes clearer why the decision was made. And that adds considerable nuance to the conversation and emotional investment from the reader. It was also cool to see more about how Shine and the human world work and interact, and the way the descendants of The Forgotten have evolved, adding another layer to the Psy abilities and possibilities. 

As far as what else we learn, or how the rest of the stories/characters are ever more interwoven, I loved how much we got of Lucas and Sascha here – their banter and the way their interactions have changed over time and with her pregnancy. Also, some interesting developments with her power and her contact with her mother, Nikita. And although it was a bit “deus ex machina,” I was fascinated by the ending, the way certain Psy powers might interplay with each other and how that would of course be a lost knowledge/advantage under Silence, where emotional connection is not permitted. It’s sweet and innocent in the way that children can often be, and yet there is a lot of promise there. Very cool (and adorable really, with the purity of children’s love/connection). Also, an incredibly touching sub-plot with Judd that I was very into. 

As far as Dev and Katya, they were an interesting pairing. I wasn’t as into their relationship…as suspected. Partly because of the lack of changeling, but partly because I couldn’t ever get a feel for where it was coming from. I mean, like many of these pairings, shared or complementary trauma creates a basis for these romantic attractions (unhealthy as that may be, it’s a cornerstone of this paranormal series’ rubric), but it never seemed to line up quite right enough for me. However, their physical chemistry was pretty solid, and while it was no Mercy and Riley, I did enjoy it. Also, an unexpected occurrence, this is the first of the series that made me cry. Holy shit. I’ve justbviusll0 been blowing through this series, but the decision they’re forced to make about each other/the future, and the way the ending plays out (prior to the deus ex machina, obviously), was devastating. This is the first one that felt real enough that I could imagine it seriously, not just get lost in the supernatural and the sex scenes, and I was apparently more emotionally invested than I had anticipated. 

So, while this isn’t a top favorite of the series for me, I have to give it props for eliciting such and intense reader response. And the greater story arc had a lot of details added in to help push that along nicely. I’ve got the next one downloaded to the Kindle and ready to go already. 

 

My hold finally came in on this 6th book. I mean I know this isn't top-end lit, but I am invested in this binge read and waiting like, two weeks, for this story to continue was not really what I had hoped for when starting. There's a momentum to the series that I am well into now and considering how fast I'm reading them (these are all one-sitting/less than 24 hour reads), waiting in between them is excruciating. Dramatic? Yes. But here we are. Anyways, I finally got it. 

 

This sixth book is centered on Mercy (a DarkRiver sentinel) and Riley (a SnowDancer lieutenant, and Brenna's older brother). Their romance is pretty straightforward, as they go. They're high up in the pack ranks of two different species of changelings, which is where most of the drama comes from. Both are very dominant, which is a particular challenge, as normally the males "win" that relationship aspect during mating, but Mercy is strong and refuses to be overtaken that way. Plus, there is pack loyalty versus mate loyalty to deal with. But at the end of the day, different from most of our couples to date, they've known each other for a long time, know what mating entails, and just have to decide what their choices are on that front.   

 

A note here, this installation had all the sex and steamy scenes that the last one was missing. Not that I wasn't into Dorian and Ashaya, but there was more mental/emotional connection for them, so I was hoping for more of that in the next book. And this pairing did not disappoint. It makes sense, since they're both changelings, so that physicality comes more quickly and naturally. So yea, the physical piece of Mercy and Riley's relationship started early, in the second chapter maybe, and held on throughout. And I was here for it. Sort of related, I loved that we finally got a dual dominant romance. I mean, I know I've said (and stand by) that I have a soft spot for an overprotective male in a paranormal romance story. But by this 6th book, I was ready for a little "mix-up" on that front. And Mercy gave as good as, if not better than, she got; challenging on numerous fronts and refusing to be the first to back down or give way, until they found a rhythm and pattern to their compromise, after a few missteps, of course. Definitely a nice, fresh take on the changeling mating situation that was necessary this deep into the series. 

 

Outside of that, there was a lot of movement in the overarching three species interaction story, as the PsyNet shows further cracks and the challenge to Silence grows. There was great development of internal Council politics - as the series moves forwards we get a little more revealed of that with each book and it's paced well (plus Kaleb's mysteriousness gets ever deeper...). Lots of human details are added into this one as well, from both power grab and cooperation perspectives. Also, with Riley and Mercy's coming together, the alliance between their two packs takes a big shift into the ever-more-interconnected/dependent. And the focus on these two packs to this extent really allowed for some great new character intros and revisiting of old characters. Big moves for Lucas and Sascha (and a reconnection of Sascha and her mother that I assume will reappear in a number of ways moving forwards), plus some time with Brenna and Ashaya, Mercy's family, lots of Hawke and Sienna, some Kit and other younger members. It was just a great book for adding wider depth and development to changeling interactions (internally, inter-pack, and further inter-species).  

 

Overall, I think this is one of my favorite stories so far, for both the leading couple and the greater human-Psy-changeling story. I really enjoyed it (maybe it was because I had to wait for it, but I truly do think it was one of the better ones) and I'm already partway into book seven. Maybe I have a problem, but I'm not sorry. Haha. 

 

This is my second read from Cross-Smith. A few years ago I read, and unexpectedly really loved, Whiskey & Ribbons. It was an end of the year book for me then too and was a last minute addition to my "favorites of the year" 2018 list. Since then, I've meant to read the short story collection she's published, but I am not always in the mood for short stories, so I haven't gotten to it yet. However, when I saw that she had another novel coming out, this one, I was psyched and knew I'd be reading it sooner rather than later. 

 

Driving home from work one evening, Tallie (a therapist), sees and stops Emmett from taking an action that would end his life. Over the course of the weekend that follows, Tallie and Emmett spend days together, sharing lots of "big talk" and inevitably becoming deeply tangled in each other's lives, yet purposefully holding each other at arm's length because they are, essentially, strangers. Emmett meets Tallie's family and leaves a lasting mark on them, while simultaneously enacting a ruse that will break her budding trust in him. Tallie does everything she can to help Emmett see that his life has meaning, if worth living, while hiding an essential fact about herself that will threaten his belief in her motives. And in back-and-forth-in-time perspectives, the reader is also given the unfolding events that led to Emmett's decision to end his life and the difficult realities Tallie has yet to fully reckon with in her own life. 

 

Although this novel was so different, in so many ways, from Whiskey & Ribbons, there was a style and feeling to the writing that rang very similar. It seems that the sort of soft, gentle cadence to the words and the way the story unfolds, is a central characteristic of Cross-Smith's writing. Interestingly, although the art forms were differently used and experienced, the place that art itself holds in the lives of the characters and the emotional connections shared/created is another similarity between the two. Something about the way it's woven in just adds to the smooth, comforting flow of the writing; it sort of all just washes over you as a reader, bringing you along for an immersive ride. And despite the intensity of many of the events that occur within these pages, it was still a deeply soothing reading experience. A really impressive accomplishment and, as it's the second time, really proves that it's no fluke, that Cross-Smith is just that good. 

 

There is one other literary detail worth mentioning, an internal stylistic device. Emmett's observations, or cataloging, of the details around him, as well as Tallie's mental therapy notes, are a really nice touch that gives something extra to the characters and, while it could easily be overdone, never felt that way for me. They both give an almost haunting quality to Emmett and Tallie's inner personhood throughout their time together and it adds something simple, but necessary, to their development.   

 

Regarding the actual story, it was, as I said, quite intense. Really shouldn't be a surprise, considering the way Emmett and Tallie meet, but it ends up being so much more than that. Despite the lies (or truth-guarding, if you will) that they tell each other, the intentional miscommunications and misdirections and invasions of privacy (that aspect in itself was such a human part of the story, I couldn't get over the absolute real feeling of it), there is something impossibly tender in the way Emmett and Tallie are with each other. It is deeply affecting and had me emotionally invested in them together almost immediately. And while there is definitely a romantic tension to their character development in and around each other, that's too surface-level to appropriately describe it. So when there was follow through there, but then also not, that weird mix of completeness and dissatisfaction was exactly what I wanted from it. 

 

Other than that, looking at the "side character" details, the integration of Tallie's extended family and ex-husband, as well as her yearning for a child, juxtaposed with Emmett's mysteriously absent family and, of course, the mystery of the "why" behind his suicide attempt, into this emotion-laden long weekend, were equally striking as facets of the Emmet and Tallie's story. (A note here, the suicide attempt, planning, ideation, bargaining/planning, is central to the novel and has a quiet intensity to it that hits all the harder because of it, deserving full-throated content warnings.) 

 

It's the small things, the artistic touches, that make Cross-Smith's writing so good. I was just so softly blown away by this novel. The tender writing and story of Emmett and Tallie, ships passing in the night while leaving indelible marks on each other's lives/futures, was so emotionally raw and epicly poignant.   

 

“Losing her nervousness made her feel reckless, and feeling reckless fed her recklessness, leading her to feel the scariest, most thrilling thing of all: free.” 

 

“He could pretend to be someone else who was pretending to be someone else. The cracked husk of his heart inside another and another, ad infinitum. Evidence of how he’d closed himself off out of necessity. Grief. Guilt. And fear.” 

 

This one has been on my TBR since before it came out, and during the time between publication and me getting to it, I got super lucky and found a used copy of it at one of my local library's online book sales. Woohoo! Needless to say, I bought it asap. And I am freaking thrilled to actually own it because after finishing it...WOW. This is deserving of every single award it's up for, and probably more. 

 

Detransition, Baby  is the story of three women on the (potential) cusp of motherhood. Reese is a trans woman longing to be a mother. She thought she almost had it all, a few years ago, with her partner Amy. But then Amy detransitioned, is now Ames, and Reese is stuck in a self-destructive pattern of sleeping with married men. Ames found a satisfying new sexual (and maybe more?) relationship with his boss Katrina...until Katrina gets pregnant. Ames through the years of hormone therapy had made him sterile, but apparently not. He isn't ready to face the identity crisis that being a "father" would cause. So, he suggests an unconventional solution to Katrina: reaching out to his ex, Reese, who has always wanted to be a mother, to parent as a threesome, in an effort to remove many of the complicated gender specifics that parenting as a outwardly cis couple would create. There are benefits to the arrangement for all three, Katrina included (as she isn't sure she wants to complete the pregnancy and compromise her career in favor of motherhood), but there is also quite a bit of history, emotional baggage, trust issues, want, and stressors threatening to overwhelm this fledgling family. 

 

From the very first sentence, this is some of the most intelligent, quick writing that I have ever read. Like seriously, so early on (the "ennui of heterosexuality" part in particular had my jaw dropping right at the start), and throughout the rest of the book, Peters is able to put into words those opaque feelings most people cannot name in a way that makes so much sense and yet cuts deeply with its insight. And there are myriad social and cultural references (Psych-style, if you've ever watched that show) and it is damn fast, and smart. (Related to this particular writing-review commentary, there are quite a few quotes/passages that hit deeply. I have a number of them, though not all, listed at the end of this review.) Anyways basically, bottom line, this writing is f*cking spectacular! 

 

And it's not just the writing that's so breathtaking. Peters' caustic but sensitive insights deep into humanity, and especially womanhood, femininity, motherhood, identity, and sex/sexuality, are biting, cutting, intense. She dives into commonly held views and definitions of those concepts, who gets to define it, and how it all plays out in ways even more complex for trans women, with an authenticity that is unflinching...exploring the good, the bad, the ugly, the original, the impossible, the hopeful, and the deep fragility within it all, always. Peters is not afraid (like, she goes everywhere) of digging into universality of concepts like the inadequacies/insecurities of womanhood and motherhood, despite the way they may look different outwardly/in practice for each woman. There's also a wonderful (and a bit more hopeful/uplifting) meditation on family being what you make it, highlighting the wonderful ways that living in an unconventional family can widen your support system, your "village," and questioning why, if that's the case, are there so many rules about what family can't/shouldn't be. It's all shocking in the good kind of way, a no holds barred and gloves off interrogation of what we've accepted as conventional, but doesn't have to be so freaking limiting (and how that expansion of opportunity would benefit us all). 

 

I really want to mention the way it ends too, because holy mother freaking goodness that ending is literally literary perfection. A perfect culmination and final sentence. I’ve never been left with a better reflective ending that is exactly the right type of completely unsatisfactory and so absolutely real because of it. 

 

I may have already said it, a lot, but this is absolutely one of the smartest books I’ve ever read. Just a phenomenal literary representation of trans feminine culture, the likes of which I’ve never read before (possibly because it hasn’t been allowed to exist like this before), and that deserves to be celebrated on so many levels, in so many places. And everyone (yes, that means you) should read this novel as soon as freaking possible. 

 

“Shortly, very shortly, he was going to be called upon to make some decision, which would lead to other decisions, generations of decisions generated by this decision.” (I mean really, what a line!) 

 

“Wasn’t that the lesson of transition, of detransition? That you'll never know all the angles, that delay is a form of hiding from reality. That you just figure out what you want to do and do it? And maybe, if you don't know what you want, you just do something anyway, and everything will change, and then maybe that will reveal what you really want. So do something.” 

 

“The past is past to everyone but ghosts.” 

 

“She knew that no matter how you self-identify ultimately, chances are that you succumb to becoming what the world treats you as.” 

 

“Trans women are juvenile elephants. We are much stronger and more powerful than we understand. We are fifteen thousand pounds of muscle and bone forged from rage and trauma, armed with ivory spears and faces unique in nature, living in grasslands where any of the ubiquitous humans may or may not be a poacher. With our strength, we can destroy each other with ease. But we are a lost generation. We have no elders, no stable groups, no one to teach us to countenance pain. No matriarchs to tell the young girls to knock it off or show off their own long lives lived happily and well. Those older geerations of trans women died of HIV, poverty, suicide, repression, or disappeared to pathologized medicalized and stealth lives - and that's if they were lucky enough to be white. They left behind only scattered exhausted voices to tell the angry lost young when and how the pain might end - to tell us what will be lost when we lash out with our considerable strength, or use the fragile shards of what remain of our social networks to ostracize, punish, and retaliate against those who behave in a traumatized manner.” 

 

“…quirks of dysphoria did not follow a Freudian pattern - no, they sequenced themselves according to an alchemist's mixture of beauty standards, consumerism, and liberal doses of self-loathing.” 

 

“Just because she saw that the vagaries of capitalism, patriarchy, gender norms, or consumerism contributed to facial dysphoria didn't mean she had developed immunity to them. In fact, a political consciousness honed on queer sensitivity simply made her feel guilty about not having managed to change her feeply ingrained beauty norms. Call her a fraud, a hypocrite, superficial, but politics and practice parted paths at her own body. [...] As long as she tortured herself with a traitorously retrograde sense of what made a woman beautiful in her heart of hearts, she would assuage herself with cis-passability in her face of faces." (genius level smarts and biting insight in this writing) 

 

“It was selfish, she knew, but when is the impulse to create a little person in your image not selfish? Most of the people she knew with kids didn't conceive for the kid, they conceived for themselves, to accord with some notion of family, or purpose, or life stages that the child would bring them. Insert whatever worn-down cliche about life not having meaning until one becomes a parent.” 

 

“Would that all difficult women be loved so deeply.” 

 

“A nimble mind can always uncover the politics to justify its own selfishness.” 

 

What with this book showing up on quite a few of this year's "best nonfiction" lists, and having received an ALC of the audiobook from Libro.fm, I figured I'd better to get to it before the end of the year. 

 

This memoir is an incredibly personal, emotional recounting of the author's childhood/young adulthood searching for the best way she could to finally be able to define herself as "somebody's daughter." From her complicated (at times fraught) relationship with her mother, to the close but expectation-laden relationship with her grandmother, to her nonexistent but idealistic relationship with her incarcerated father, Ashley Ford communicates with clarity and a brevity that is impressive, considering the depth of the feelings, both how these adults shaped who she became and how she found the space and support she needed outside of them to become herself as well. 

 

While that blurb pretty much covers, topically, everything within this memoir, I do (of course) want to point out a few more things. The way Ford communicates the complicated realities of her parental relationships, from the charged interactions with her mother to a belief in the love of a physically absent father (and the related innocent/pure idolization of said father that can only come from being a child) to the, as mentioned, close but full of deeply internalized judgement-based lessons, relationship with her grandmother, this is a full story of the adults who actions and reactions formed the person Ford would become and the decisions she would make. The way each supported her (presence, music, words of affirmation) and let her down (emotional instability, the truth of their incarceration), and the way that affected her, is given to the reader with, at times heart-filling and at times heartbreaking, unflinching honesty. Of note, and I'll put it here because I am not sure where else to put it, the snake story/lesson about family, from her grandmother (that I want to say the cover illustration is in some way related to) was intense. Phew. 

 

Ford also doesn't flinch away from sharing her experiences with the sexualization of women's bodies and the unfair and ridiculous responsibility of that being placed upon her (and all young girls' and womens' shoulders). This is presented in difficult juxtaposition with the layered guilt/shame it built inside her and how it all so horribly combined with her struggle to understand the violence that was done against her in general and especially in light of coming to terms with her father's crimes (him as a man) and her adoration of him (him as a father). Along with this, it is worth mentioning that her descriptions of disassociation throughout her childhood for various traumatic events - from her moms verbal/physical abuse to her rape by an older “boyfriend” - are heart wrenching.         

 

I know that during the course of the memoir, Ford addresses this, but I do still want to say that there are quite a few moments where she presents memories from childhood that I do feel like would be really hard for her to truly remember. Like, I don't remember anything from that age with such intensity and clarity. It makes the reader feel like you don't want to believe it, honestly. However, as I said, Ford does address this, saying that despite hearing from multiple sources that her remembrance of these events isn't possible, that doesn't negate the fact that she does have these memories, backed up with her assertion that, unlike many adults, she has never forgotten what it felt like to be a child. And they are told with the exact mix of awareness and innocence that children seem to possess, so that they hold such a ring of truth that it's hard to disbelieve them. I'm not sure what my point is here, other than to say I did notice the specificity of childhood memories, questioned it, and came away convinced of them.  

 

While this memoir was, in the details, much more about her relationships with her mother and grandmother than the blurb makes it seem, there are definitely some culminating/defining moments that come back to her father. And of course, it is impossible to separate out how certain moments of her life might have been different had he been there, so it is correct to say that the looming fact of his absence is real on every page. Regardless, there was a vulnerability and genuineness in these pages, as Ford shares her coming of age through poverty, complicated family relationships, an incarcerated father, adolescence/puberty, and the deep wounds of societal expectations on and interpersonal violence against women, that connects the reader to her, through her words, in a very real way. Ford faces down the impossible things without looking away and one can only finish this memoir full of respect for that bravery and grace.   

 

“My emotions moved through me faster than I could name them. Feeling any of it felt like the beginning of losing control, and losing control felt like certain death in my body, if not my mind. If I didn’t process the feeling, I wouldn’t feel it, and if I didn’t feel it, it couldn’t kill me.” 

 

“When children are small, our desires seem small, even if we want the sky. Anything we want seems to be only a matter of time and effort away. It’s too early to imagine what’s already holding you back.” 

 

“The library felt too good to be true. All those books, o all those shelves, and I could just pluck them out, one by one, find an empty chair, and read, and read, and read. When I realized nobody would stop me from browsing in the teen and adult sections, that books were a place where m age didn’t matter as long as I could read the words in front of me, I found a home for my mind and spirit to take root. My imagination had already taken me on a million wild rides, but here was unlimited adventure.” 

 

“Kids can always tell the difference between adults who want to empower them, and adults who want to overpower them.” 

 

“I was tired of being disappointed, and it seemed that disappointment started with wanting things. I tried not to want.” 

 

“It doesn’t take long for children to teach themselves not to want what they’ve already learned they won’t have.” 

 

“I did not mind getting hurt as much as I minded being surprised by the pain. I wanted to see it coming.” 

 

“When you don’t grow up with a certain kind of affection, even if you know you’re worthy of it, it can be hard to accept in adulthood.” 

 

“My mother wasn’t perfect. Our relationship was complicated, and difficult. She was my imperfect mother. We were two different people, and found that hard to accept in one another. But I was hers and she was mine. That’s how it had always been. Who would I be, if not hers? I didn’t want to be without her.” 

 

Well, I have to wait like 2 weeks for my hold on this 5th book to come in, so by the time I got it I was so ready to read it that I sprinted through it in basically a single sitting. I wasn't necessarily planning to....but here we are. 

 

This book is Dorian's story (one that I was definitely looking forward to). We all know he's a DarkRiver sentinel with latent changeling shape-shifting ability whose sister was killed by the Psy serial killer from the first book (an emotional hit that he is not dealing with particularly well). And in deep romance irony, his mate turns out to be a Psy herself, Ashaya, the M-Psy doing research for the Council on their hive mind implant plan who helped Tally's kids escape her research facility in the last book. This one opens with DarkRiver paying back their IOU from her help with that and "kidnapping" her son back from the Psy holding him hostage to ensure Ashaya's cooperation. And the drama and romance continue from there. 

 

Like I said, I raced through this 5th book in record time. I think it was in part that I had to wait for it and, honestly, in part because it was following my least favorite relationship to date (Clay and Talin). So, I was ready for a little romance redemption. And I got it. Dorian has a lot of internal stuff to deal with (being unable to shift, guilt over his sister's death), and Ashaya has a lot of family issues (how to protect her son, dealing with her sociopathic twin sister, having had to hide that Silence didn't work on her for her entire life), but what I liked is that, while some of their issues paralleled (sister stuff), it was also different enough that they could help each other through it without falling into unhealthy feedback loops/patterns. And of course, it was very convenient to the story, in that "romance novel" way, that Ashaya's DNA-medical specialty was the perfect one to help figure out Dorian's latency issue. Of note, there were less (and less compelling) steamy scenes in this book than in previous ones. In fact, I felt like Dorian and Ashaya were more an emotional match than a physical one in most ways and in general their physical chemistry was a bit sub-par compared to the rest, but I didn’t hate it. Sometimes, relationships are like that. Though I am reading this series, at least in part, for the steamy scenes, so I hope they come back strong. 

 

In addition to the romance, Singh continues to develop the over-arching story of the Psy-changeling-human interactions and conflicts. Due to Ashaya’s role in the Psy Council plans, we got a lot more insight into that group here, specifically some of Kaleb’s goals, as well as some of the internal splits among the rest of the Council members. Plus, just in general, the cracks in the Psy world are getting larger and you can tell an implosion is coming. We also got to see a bit more from other changeling groups outside the leopards and wolves (in particular, the rats – kinda ew, but also really well chosen considering their role). And for the first time ever, we are seeing some shadow powers in the human world start to get involved. After Talin’s intro as the first human love interest in the last book, that move makes sense here, as well as bring more depth into that third race in this tri-conflict (albeit clearly the one everyone writes off as weakest). 

 

Again, I applaud Singh for the way she is managing to keep these romances moving forwards with just enough fresh-ness to keep them interesting (situationally and in their relation to the overall plot advancements), while maintaining all the formulaic paranormal romance aspects that made me ready to start this series in the first place. And she’s doing it all while managing to keep previous couples relevant and getting on-page time, which is satisfying for me, personally. Anyways, a solid addition to the series and now I sit waiting impatiently for the next one (again).   

 

I've been waiting on my audiobook hold for this one to come in at the library for a few weeks now. In a burst of near-perfect timing, I got the alert that it was ready to check out literally the morning after it won this year's National Book Award for Young People's Literature. Woohoo! 

 

Lily Hu is in her last year of high school in 1950s Chinatown (San Francisco), trying to figure out her plan for the rest of her life, as one does. But it's particularly difficult for Lily, living under the shadow of the Red Scare and threat of her father's deportation, the expectations placed on women by her family/culture and America at large, and the pressure of her own goals of working with space/rockets. And then there's the other thing...the thing she doesn't even really understand herself yet. But when she and her (new) friend Kathleen Miller sneak out one night to watch a show (a male impersonator) at a lesbian bar called the Telegraph Club, Lily starts to realize that she'll have to fight particualrly hard if she wants to live this particular part of herself with full authenticity. 

 

Topically, I just want to say that I am thrilled that this novel won the YA NBA - I can say with complete certainty that I have never read anything bringing this time period and specific population experiences to the forefront in this way, either in adult or YA fiction. Relatedly, I want to say how hype I am that YA readers today have access to these stories, and that these stories are being recognized with such major awards, because there were no books like this that I can remember seeing/reading at an actual young adult reading age. Lo captured with such feeling the complex combination of identities that form the basis of Lily's reality: Chinese-American, female, queer, and living in 1950s America. Like I said, a perspective I don't think I have ever read from before, but it was layered and full and I got a wonderful sense of time and place as I read. Lily's daily experiences, from the "preparing for the future" classes in school to the Chinese-American picnic days to her conversations with friends and interactions with family to her adoration of her Aunt Judy (in her job as a human computer for a space/tech company) are set against a unique American political and Chinese cultural landscape. 

 

Lo also did a great job conveying all the pangs of first love, the highs and lows and confusion and intensity. This was particularly well done when considering how it was combined with the unsurety Lily feels about her attractions and wants in general, related to Kath and augmented by her conflicting/confusing reactions to watching Tommy Anderson (the male impersonator at the Telegraph Club) perform. Those internal pieces all just felt really, genuinely accurate. This all came together, with Lo's wonderfully smooth writing and well-paced plot development, to make an incredibly compelling story about the steep risks and losses that can come from choosing to live as who you are in environments where, for so many reasons and in so many ways, that is not allowed. Lo's novel sheds necessary light on the limitations of "conventional" 50s history, giving readers a tale of the buried lives lived in the confluence of budding feminism, race/political issues, the illegality of being queer. Lo's notes at the end add additional background/knowledge to this "coming of age as a lesbian Asian woman interested in science/math/space/flight in the 50s" narrative and I highly recommend reading them (and will likely look into further related reading of my own as well). 

 

Overall, this was an illuminating and achingly hopeful story. There is real power in the message that we all deserve to love and be loved in the way we want/need and I am grateful for Lo giving readers the chance to experience it. 

 

“It was like finding water after a drought. She couldn’t drink enough, and her thirst made her ashamed, and the shame made her angry.” 

 

“It felt as if someone had taken an eraser to her memory – to her very self – and rubbed at it, then blown away the remains.” 

 

I haven't seen too many people that have read or shared reviews of this one. But it somehow made it onto my TBR. And weirdly enough, I picked it up off my shelf just as Sindu's most recent release was published. I didn't even know a sophomore adult novel was expected, so that's just a weird coincidence! Though since this debut was very impressive, I definitely plan to read her new one as well. 

 

Lucky knows that her Sri Lankan family/culture has a plan for her life, who she is and how she lives, that is basically inescapable. The fact that she likes girls doesn't change that. So she has crafted a life based on lies, primarily her sham marriage to Kris - both she and Kris are gay, and date on the side of their "marriage." But when Lucky's childhood more-than-best-friend Nisha comes back into her life, looking for Lucky's friendship and support (and more) as she prepares for her arranged marriage, Lucky faces some choices. She is caught by family expectations, between a sister that fully "capitulated" a sister that fully "escaped" said expectations, the emotional wreckage of her grandmother's illness and impending death, and Nisha's needs, Lucky has to decide if she's ready to be done living under the strain of her lies and finally live her own truth. 

 

I think this might be the first book I have ever read by a Sri Lankan/Tamil author, and as always, the opportunity to learn about another culture through literature was one of my favorite aspects of this reading experience. There was so much fascinating information about Sri Lankan culture, specifically related to dance, engagement/marriage traditions, and some (Hindu) beliefs/mythology. Also, of course, there was the heartbreaking reality that Lucky and her sisters faced as far as the reality of their cultural family structure/expectations and what that meant for their lives, specifically their romantic/marriage partners. As the story focuses on Lucky, this review will as well, so the primary limitation we see is that being queer is just...not an option. (Though we also see that a non-Sri Lankan/community partner is not an option either, and Lucky's sisters respond to that in diametrically opposite ways.) Anyways, even despite all (repeated) evidence to the contrary, Lucky's family just ignores any indication of her true sexuality/identity. Just watching the way that affects Lucky (and Nisha, and her sisters, and Kris), the choices she has to make and the numbness/distance it leads to, is devastating...all the more so for the fact that it's all happening quietly/internally. 

 

A corollary to this that I found really interesting was the contradictory expectations of better/more opportunities abroad versus the inevitable foreignization, if you will, of the younger generations as they are exposed to and accept the new perspectives available to them. There is a fine and complex line between honoring/following "old country" traditions and choosing to allow in the new mindsets that could have a beneficial impact. The split this line can cause in families, as members fall on either side or try to walk the tightrope, is so difficult. (I recognize that this may only apply in the sense of immigrants (by choice), as opposed to refugees (not by choice), and there is nuance there, of course.) But for the sake of consideration, the subtleties with which Sindu explores this concept were deeply raw and affecting. 

 

Lucky's journey to navigate her way through the thicket of parental guilt/protection, personal needs and identity and insecurity, supporting Nisha (based mostly in nostalgia, it seemed to me, because she wasn't getting a lot in return, it seemed to me), the benefits of community versus the limitations of it's expectations, and the overall unsurety about how to be herself without letting anyone down (an impossible task even under the best of circumstances), and grief for her grandmother....it was a lot, emotionally. But beautifully rendered, with tension racking up for the reader as Lucky's world spirals (and the inevitable denouement, in which someone will be hurt, approaches), through Sindu's writing.       

 

“Let me tell you something about being brown like me: your story is already written for you. Your free will, your love, your failure, all of it scratched into the cosmos before you're even born. My mother calls it fate, the story written on your head by the stars, by the gods, never by you. Everyone is watching you, all the time, praising you when you abide by your directives, waiting for you to screw up. And you will screw up. [...] As long as you follow your directives in the end, no matter how many lies you have to tell. But here's the truth: I’m still lying.” (This may be said here about brown culture, but I think there are some real universal truths in here that a lot of people would rather ignore...) 

 

“Most people think the closet is a small room. They think you can touch the walls, touch the door, turn the handle, and walk free. But when you're inside it, the closet is vast. No walls, no door, just empty darkness stretching the length of the world.” 

 

“Immigration policies re-create heightened natural selection. The smartest and those with the most resources make it out, along with a handful of those who just get lucky.” 

 

“I could pray, but here's the truth: even if the gods are real, I don't think they can liberate us.” 

 

“Rewriting your fate is tricky.” 

 

“The bride belongs to the man who brings her home.” (devastating mantra that Lucky repeats to herself throughout the novel) 

 

 

And the fourth book is done. I'm really moving through these at a fast, steady pace. About 24 hours per book. (Though I had to add myself to a waitlist for the 5th one, which is really getting me down because it's messing with my unhealthy-amount-of-reading-time paranormal romance binge lifestyle. Plus, as I'm deep into this series now, my mood for reading anything else is less than normal...which sucks, though thankfully is not as bad as a full-on slump.) 

 

So in this fourth installment, we head back to the DarkRiver Pack and Clay Bennett, the sentinel whose darker side has been heavily hinted at, with a vision from Faith even suggesting that he'll soon be facing a crossroads that he may not come back from. When Talin McKade, a childhood friend that Clay committed a terrible act to defend, comes back into his life unexpectedly, all the memories of trying to "hide" his beast and the act of violence that separated himself and Talin for years (with lots of guilt, and fear, on both sides of that) resurface. But Talin needs Clay, and DarkRiver, to help her save the foster kids she works with from what has become a serial kidnapper/murderer. And Clay has never been able to say no to Talin (plus we all know how the Pack feels about protecting kids). So they'll have to face their past in order to save the youth, and their own futures. 

 

As with all the books so far, this one has a number of content warnings that need to be shared, particularly for child physical/sexual abuse and the long term emotional PTSD from that (and of course the "normal' violence and death that are apparently a hallmark of this series). This was an interesting relationship, between Clay and Talin, because it's the first that has some background (since they knew each other as children) and a lot of shared trauma they needed to sort through in order to move forward together in a, at least marginally, healthier way. Also, Talin is the first human that we have seen mate with a changeling. And I liked the way the differences between a Psy mate and a human mate were detailed, as well as the way certain things (the extreme overprotective male thing) stayed the same. However there were a few items, specific to Talin and the way Clay/the Pack reacted, that rubbed me the wrong way. First, she made a comment (that turned out to not be true) about liking girls and the intense step-back reaction from Dorian/Clay did not sit well. Also, when Talin reveals her sexual history, Clay's vehement anger about it, and the fact that there was even a question of forgiveness being necessary, considering the guilt Talin already had about it all, just....it was not what I wanted. And that sucks because while I know the rest of what I've read isn't exactly healthy, this is the first time something has felt super wrong to the point that I was jumped out of my "guilty pleasure" enjoyment of the series. Meh. 

 

As far as the other parts of the plot, we finally get some insight into the role humans play in this three-species world (clearly, a low rung as far as importance/power, but nevertheless they play a part). The kidnapping/murders of Talin's at-risk youth (though heartbreaking) open a door into the human organization Shine, which, by the end, gives some major info about the dark past secrets of the Psy and the origins of Silence (and what happened to dissenters), whereas to date we've only seen their present-tense evil. Plus, we saw a lot more about the movements within the PsyNet with the dissatisfaction of the populace, the machinations of the Council, and the status of the Protocol I hivemind project (both the proponents and those working to delay it). As far as that piece goes, it's clear the intra-Psy issues are increasing and something explosive is coming. What we learn at the end about Shine and Talin's (mostly) human mind, combined with all that, is really building the tension for what's coming. I also want to note that the previous character role reprisals were really solid in this book and it was really fun, as always, to see them all again. I do love that Singh consistently brings them back. 

 

As always, I'm ready to blast through the next installment whenever I can get my hands on it. Despite the issues I had with this romantic pairing/situation in this book, the forward movement of the greater story arc was pretty big. And I'm invested enough at this point that I need to know what happens. The foreshadowing of Dorian's story next has me anticipating further major plot movement; plus, I do love Dorian and I can't wait to get his romance! 

 

This was a spur-of-the-moment grab at the library on my last shift before heading out for vacation. Not like I needed any more books to bring, as I had a stack of like 7 (for a week-long vacation) already set aside. But, thus are the downsides of working at the library I suppose. Haha. And I guess I'm glad I went for it because it honestly was the perfect beach/poolside standalone fantasy for the mood I ended up being in! 

 

When her parents decide to move back to Malaysia, Jessamyn, having graduated college but not really sure what her next steps are, decides to go with them. On top of her stress about her parents' health, where her life is going, the girlfriend she is too scared to tell her parents about, and the cultural/lingual separation she feels being back in Malaysia after so long in the United States, she starts hearing voices in her head.  Well, one voice. And that voice is telling her that it's her dead grandmother Ah Ma, who has unfinished business in the living world involving a business magnate/gang boss who has offended a god called the Black Water Sister that Ah Ma acted as a medium for. And they've decided that Jess is going to help them settle their score. 

 

Wow. This was a nonstop, page-turning adventure from beginning to end. There was so much going on! Jess' struggle with identity-finding, her tense interactions with her long-distance/secret girlfriend, the pressure from family/girlfriend to apply for jobs, and the general overbearing realities of intertwined family complexities and cultural readjustment create the "real life" setting for this novel. And at the same time, there is a story just as rich unfolding within Jess' head, as she speaks with and learns from her Ah Ma about why the ancestor is visiting her and what she wants from her. As each unfold, the real life and internal realities Jess is trying to balance come to a clashing meeting, and the ghosts speaking to her, interference from mediums and gods, straight up gang bosses/hit-men, and myriad [darks] secrets of family and deities, threaten to overwhelm her already on-edge mental state. It's a tense and mysterious ride, entertaining and well-paced, and the dual coming-of-age/self that Jess experiences, along with the culmination of Ah Ma and Black Water Sister's plans, makes for a fantastic denouement. 

 

In addition to the plot, there were a few other aspects of this novel that I was really into. I love (like love) reading about other culture's beliefs/traditions/folklore, so the deep dive into Chinese gods, prayers and offerings to them, the way their mediums function, and just generally the place of import they hold in both traditional and popular culture (in contrast with a more modern or Christian POV that some people have developed) was fascinating and absolutely one of my favorite things about this novel. Also, although it was tough to read about at times, this story highlights in spectacular (read: unique and affective) fashion the enduring fury and helplessness of violence against women over/through generations. Related, I just loved the story of the Black Water Sister, the way it wove into Jess’s own and gave her the gift of strength she always had but wasn’t aware of through the trials she was forced into (paralleling both the god’s and Ah Ma’s trials as well). And with that, I want to mention Jess's character growth too. I appreciated the insight into cultural limitations and the “prisons” we make for ourselves because of them, as well as the complexities of each generation trying to "do better" or "break from" previous ones. The ending on this front was spot on for me, under the circumstances: hopeful, but with an open-endedness that wasn't too neatly wrapped up. It fit the "starting new but still bittersweet" vibe of the rest of the plot. Finally, of the strongest aspects of this book, I felt, was the immersiveness of the setting. Cho's writing captured such a deep feeling of people and place. And on a personal nerdy note, I loved all the language and other tidbits that I "had" to Google to learn even more as I read. I love books that make me do that. (America is Not the Heart was, for me, similar in this way.) 

 

There were a lot of layers to this novel that made it a great read, the more serious aspects related to Jess' real life challenges combining with the fantastical aspects of her gangster medium dead grandmother to create a compulsively readable story. And with the well-paced, easy to read writing and super interesting cultural pieces, I super enjoyed reading this one! 

 

“They’d set her up to have a life different from theirs, free of the hardships they’d had to endure. The result was that almost all her troubles were exciting new troubles, beyond their skill set to address.” 

 

“But you had to die before you could be reborn.” 

 

“What a thing a bad death was. It made a mythology that caught up in its wake old trees and young women alike, the violence of it reverberating through the years.”