my tears are my review.

this book was everything i wanted and more. i may just have to start the podcast all over again with all this fresh insight to what was going on behind the scenes as they made it.

my favorite in this series by far. 

simply, it was just a nice and steady book with an excellent narrator and interesting story. it also *made* me go out and buy a new journal.

i am too emotionally devastated to form a coherent thought on this constant gut punch of a book. all i have to say is WHY???!! 😩

my heart is aching. i’ll elaborate later.

“Easier to believe a woman’s lying than that bad things happened on your watch. Easier to believe the simplest thing is always correct. And it’s simple to say a woman is crazy.”

the book opens to a mother attempting to protect her 2 young children in a hidden space of their old home as a man roams the halls searching for them. 

i’m assuming a lot here, but i feel like the essence of this book is overlooked in a lot of reviews i read for it. this is a psychological thriller on its face but a critique of living in this world as a woman, unbelieved inside. i think the mother is nameless for the reason that she could easily be you.

i think that if you haven’t gone through a similar circumstance (speaking up to not be believed) you may not grasp that it’s the heart of this book. it’s the point of it. it may read as a drawn out thriller with little action and too much dialogue, especially within the mothers mind as that’s where we are throughout.

i think it’s incredibly important to talk about this topic so i’ll share my own experience. trigger warning for abuse.

i was in a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive relationship for years. isolated from my family and friends, my bank account taken over and car keys usually not available to me i felt i had no choice but endure the sheer torture my boyfriend inflicted on me daily.

i’ll never be able to explain why, but i woke up one morning determined to get away from him. i don’t know what prompted it. i was a shell of myself. obedient and subservient to the extreme with no self respect or dignity.  but this day something changed.

he was home all day (he worked at a church on weekends, usually in the evening) and i wasn’t sure what to do. i just knew it had to be something. but he always held onto my phone so calling anyone wasn’t an option.

i waited until that evening, when he wasn’t home, and made my way to the closest police station. i arrived with fresh bruises and the explanation i had run through my head the entire way there. con’t in comments.

i was greeted initially with kindness and curiosity but that soon changed. i won’t go into great detail but i heard the phrases that have become the cliche: “what did you do?” “did he mean to?” “maybe you misunderstood” “why are you still with him?” “if he’s so bad you could have left” “why did you wait so long to come to us?”. this went on for hours. i had hospital records, bruises on my neck and ribs. i had what i thought was proof. but apparently when i was pushed down the stairs, i was clumsy and i fell. when my head was thrown into a wall, i must have tripped. when i was locked in a closet for a day or more at a time, that sounded like something out of harry potter.

i was not believed, i wasn’t somehow a reliable witness to my own abuse. at one point i was laughed at.

needless to say, nothing came from it except me feeling mortified and defeated. 

so as i read this book, i can’t properly put into words how angry i was. viscerally raging and seeing red as this mothers sanity was questioned after such a traumatic event. that she was made to be the very monster that terrorized her family. 

the audio of this book was exceptional, it captured the fracturing of her mind and racing, intruding thoughts brilliantly. it left its mark on me. though i don’t feel comfortable rating it, i do recommend it.