essjay's Reviews (635)

We are two weeks shy of it being a year from when I told a friend "I'm going to give Rachel Harrison one more shot bc her next book is supposed to be Thelma and Louise with vampires."

I thought this was a lot better executed than Black Sheep and more consistently entertaining than Cackle (and I read this one in two sittings, which says...something). 

Anyway, much like the other toxic vampire friendship novel that just came out, I was p disappointed by how straight and white the whole thing was. BUT it gets points for being exactly what it says on the tin. 

This was exactly what I needed after my last heavy read. Pulpy and fun (tho I do feel like it could have had another whack with the editing stick), with an engaging mystery and a cast that I wish were my friends. 

TL;DR: Holy mother of fuck, this book was amazing. 

~~~

You are 10, and giving the rabbits water before school when you discover one of the does eating a newborn. You run screaming into the house, then successfully block this memory for 35 years, until reading Jeff VanderMeer's Absolution. 

You are in the library, reading this very ARC while waiting for your children to finish their activity. Your partner sits next to you, quietly reading a philosophy book. They look up as you cackle loudly at something you've just read, and say "OHHHH, so you do this in public, too?" and you both laugh, but much quieter. 

You ask your partner "hey, do you remember that time when we were first dating, when we drove down that dirt road near Alaska's house to get high, make out, and watch the stars on the hood of Velouria?" (your car at the time was named Velouria) They nod and smile, remembering that it was a nice night. Their smile is slowly replaced with horror as they remember the next part of the night. "What the fuck was the deal with those frogs?" they ask. "Where did they even come from, I really thought we would never be able to get out of there." You say "that's exactly how this book makes me feel." They recoil slightly and ask why you'd want to read that. "Because the stargazing and making out was awesome and more than makes up for the creeping dread of suddenly being surrounded by hundreds of frogs." "I can still hear them," they say, shaking their head, "that shit was biblical."

You are listening to a different book while on the treadmill. Half an hour later, you realize you'll have to re-listen to all of it bc you were thinking about Gnitnuah Eht the entire time.  You wish you had requested an audio review copy. You are glad you did not request an audio review copy. You know you would have walked your legs right off while listening. 

You are 16 and you make  the mistake of leaving the windows down on The Flintstone Mobile while at a Summer bonfire at the pond. You are unaware it is a mistake until well after midnight on your way home when every moth in the world pours out of your windows and moonroof. You manage to hold in your screams. When you tell this story the following day, you add "I guess they've replenished their numbers from The Incident last year." No one asks about The Incident. When you think of this story 29 years later, you say to yourself "much like the bunnies" and wonder if the moths from The Incident or that night on the highway were wearing cameras. Would you even want to see that footage? No. No. No. A million fucking times, no. 

You are 30 and you move across the country with your family. You wake up one day and feel hurt and betrayed that no one warned you of the existence of house centipedes. You begin wearing shoes inside (though ofc not the SAME shoes you leave the house in, you are not entirely a heathen) after four five six seven eight house centipedes die a horrible death between your toes. Hast thou considered the centipede? Not until now. You sit on your porch, smoking and warily eyeing the sago palms in the planters, which you also find highly concerning. You move before they eject the army of facehuggers that are surely gestating inside them. 

You text your mother, asking if she remembers a train derailing when you were a child and bringing home several boxes of grapefruit. "Was that my first pomelo?" you ask. "Probably," she says. "But it was a semi, trains don't carry fruit." That doesn't sound right, but you don't know enough about trains to dispute it. You wonder why you've had a vivid image of a fucked up train in your head associated with giant citrus for more than 30 years. 

You only read a few chapters of Absolution at a time. It makes your head feel light and your stomach hurt. You dream of sago palms giving birth to a flood of fast-moving  echinoderms and skinks with more than the recommended number of tails.

You whisper "what the fuck" to yourself repeatedly. "what the fuck what the fuck what the fuuuuuuuuck."

Behold the field in which you grow your fucks. It lies barren and empty bc Lowry has stolen them all. 

🎶Ba, ba-da-da, ba-ba-ba-da, foreign entity🎶

Your partner is writing a song with a gnitnuah little melody that you will forever associate with this book. You mention this to them, "what the fuck," they say, annoyed at having been reminded of the fucking frogs again. "I had just started to forget!" 

Oh look, your fucks have returned. 


Police they say/Your mother too/A fish from ocean blue/Above your head tonight

(Your manta ray is all right)


You have never been to Area X. 

You have always been in Area X. 

 

Me: How do you want to rate this one?

14y/o: How do YOU want to rate it?

Me: 3½ or 3¾?

Them: I swear I'm not trying to copy you, but I was also thinking 3¾. 

It took a while for this one to get going. We both kind of groaned at the beginning bc neither of us are super into reading teen romances and that's how this seemed like it was starting out (the kid asked me to skip the kissing scenes when I was reading aloud and I gladly complied). But then it got GOOD. And we both really enjoyed it from there. Like, multiple times they shouted "OHMIGAWD, THIS BOOK IS SO GOOD!" while I was reading. They even GASPED a few times, which was delightful to hear. Will be starting the sequel tomorrow. 

I grabbed this audiobook from the library to have something engaging and slightly trashy to listen to while on the treadmill and I fuckin played myself bc I kept listening until it was done. I should have known better, bc that's how it always is with Marcy Dermansky. Off to find something else to fill the new void now. 

Not vibing with this audiobook but may try again later as an ebook. 

You know that bit in So Long and Thanks for All the Fish where Fenchurch talks about how she had that painting above her bed as a kid that always bugged her a little bit bc it seemed so cruel to the otter? I have read this series three times now, and only just decided to look up where the Forgotten Coast is. Whoops. 

Came for the toxic female friendships, and was not really disappointed with that aspect. But I felt like the ending was super rushed (and also the big twist was kind of obvious, no?) and it could have done with an epilogue. 

Have you watched UnREAL? Bc this is basically that, but from a contestant's perspective. I enjoyed it up until about the last 15%, when it felt like there was a big rush to not much at all. 

14y/o liked this a lot more than the original books (which have not  really aged well due to gender norms and frankly most of the parents coming off as abusive in one way or another). Was not expecting a cliffhanger ending! Will have to see about getting the next one from the library, but neither of us are really in any rush. 

(Nice to see Ann M Martin is still up to her parenthetical speaking ways, which I undoubtedly picked up from reading a million BSC books in the 80s.)