I won’t be able to get through this book without venting, but I don’t want to waste any more time that I have to by writing an essay about its faults. Everyone already knows what happens in Twilight, and why it’s an objectively bad book. So I’m just going to list everything that angered me enough to comment. Plus a few concluding remarks in the comments.

Spoiler: The concluding remarks will not be positive.

102 Things I Didn’t Like in Twilight

1. Forks? - I keep expecting there to be mentions of other nearby towns like Spoons, or Butterknives.
2. Bella is upset that she has to stay in a mysterious, Twin Peaks-type small Washington town instead of somewhere characterised by “the sun and the blistering heat”. Bella & I have nothing in common. Also, no-one with self-proclaimed “ivory skin” likes the sun.
3. Indian Reservation? Why are we still saying this?
4. Bella’s superiority complex re: her parents , Ms Flaky & Mr Emotional Vacuum. Also, the fact that she is justified in her attitude because they are both ridiculous, incompetent airheads who can’t survive without the help of a man/daughter to help them.
5. Why is Bella so spoilt? She’s actually bemoaning the hardship of sharing a bathroom with her father. Sorry you don’t live in a palace, princess. I’m less than 10 pages in, and I can’t stand the self-pity. What type of person plans ahead to spend the night hysterically crying? Someone who literally never stops moaning about her tragic life as a Beautiful Misunderstood Teen. I already hate Bella. I had to go outside to get to my car! There are too many pot plants in the school! I have to wash dishes by hand!
6. So, these vampires are “devastatingly, inhumanly beautiful”, look like adults, wear designer clothes & have porcelain skin and black eyes with big shadows underneath like they’ve just been punched. And every day they sit in the lunch room staring at each other in front of 100s of teenagers, before dumping full trays of food into the bin. Not exactly discrete.
7. Day one of school. Bella already has her first stalker, and is herself obsessed with a boy because of how much he is disgusted by her.
8. What adult man and father keeps a jar in his house labelled “Food Money”?
9. [b:Wuthering Heights|6185|Wuthering Heights|Emily Brontë|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1388212715s/6185.jpg|1565818] reference. Do you really want to remind me of what I could be reading?
10. Bella’s dad Police Chief Charlie automatically assumed that adopted children will be delinquents.
11. Bella reads like a dull middle-aged woman, moaning on about gas mileage and grocery shopping and meal prep, whilst her parents seem like children who have no idea how to run their own homes or lives.
12. Edward impresses Bella because he can tell she isn’t happy. Everyone knows you aren’t happy Bella. You’ve been solidly in teenage sulk mode since you arrived.
13. Bella and Edward are instantly obsessed with each other, and the whole town is obsessed with them. How does everyone know they’re the main characters?
14. Edward saves Bella from being crushed by a truck, but ignores her afterward. She decides: “He wished he hadn't pulled me from the path of Tyler's van - there was no other conclusion I could come to.”. Bit of an overreaction. There isn’t anything between “doesn’t like me that much” and “wants me dead”?
15. Edward uses his vampire powers to spy on Bella, smirking throughout. He displays super abilities in front of her and then gaslights her when she questions him. He tries to stage-manage her life for her, manipulating her into situations he knows she finds uncomfortable for his own amusement. He insults her to her face, whilst laughing. Basically, they aren’t even in a relationship yet and he’s already psychologically abusive.
16. Edward’s “I’m a bad boy. You should stay away from me” style of flirting is creepy and awful. And his constantly blowing hot and cold is manipulative. Especially given he’s 104 and she’s 17.
17. Edward on trying to resist fucking 17-year-old girls: "I’m…giving up trying to be good. I'm just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may."
18. Edward: "People can't smell blood" . Yes. Yes they can.
19. "You are so pushy!" Bella as Edward drags her around a car park. Physical abuse now!
20. Edward is one of those boys who appreciates girls who are smart enough to “get” the music he likes.
21. What kind of name is Carlisle Cullen?
22. Why does Bella keep reminding me every 20 pages she doesn’t like to talk to people? I know. You said.
23. There are so many makes and models of cars mentioned in this book. I don’t know what those words mean. Shut up.
24. Not comfortable with the co-opting of a real Native American tribe by a white woman trying to make her book exotic. Insensitive and ignorant.
25. Bella’s prophetic(?) dreams. What am I supposed to get from these?
26. Bella decides to do some serious research. What this actually means is googling the word “vampires”
27. “Why couldn't I ever have a pleasant conversation with Mike anymore without it getting awkward?” What do you mean by “anymore” Bella? You’ve only known Mike a fortnight and you’ve never had any conversation with him that wasn’t him trying to get off with you.
28. Why do I need to keep hearing what Bella is making for dinner? Or reading her inane letters to her mother? Or learning along with her Biology and Gym classes? This is why this book is so long, even though nothing happens.
29. Bella’s dad is apparently such a manly man that he can’t understand the concept of helping your friend pick a dress.
30. 90% of this book so far is Bella going to school and looking around to see if Edward is there. But he isn’t. Then she goes home.
31. Why do the Cullens only go to school when they feel like it and nobody minds?
32. ” It had been a while since I'd had a girls' night out, and the estrogen rush was invigorating.” Fuck off Bella.
33. Bella can’t go to a dance because she’s so clumsy that I'm almost disabled. Firstly, she should probably go to the doctor about this balance disorder she has. Second, can you not go to a dance and then sit at the side rather than participating? Isolating yourself seems an overreaction.
34. Angela is “overjoyed to have a date tall enough that she could wear high heels at all”. Never let toxic masculinity influence your footwear.
35. Bella goes looking for a local bookshop, finds it, but then refuses to go inside because there are crystals in the window, which is too weird apparently.
36. Edward is “livid” that Bella nearly got gang-raped. And she has to calm him down.
37. "Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella." What a catch!
38. Edward habitually orders B, her friends and most other women around, as well as using hypnotic mind powers on them like a blank-faced, dead-eyed psychopath.
39. Bella is ragingly jealous of every woman who speaks to Edward. He knows this and flirts with them whilst pretending innocence. Later he makes a point of looking only at Bella whilst talking to a waitress, to prove that she is extra special to him. She falls for this because she is 17.
40. Apparently it’s Bella’s fault she was nearly raped and murdered because she’s a “magnet for trouble”.
41. "Your number was up the first time I met you." Death threats are so romantic.
42. Edward positions himself as the real victim of Bella’s near rape: "It was very… hard - you can't imagine how hard - for me to simply take you away, and leave them… alive." and explains how he needs her support so he doesn’t lose control and do something violent. Textbook domestic abuser.
43. Edward can’t hear Bella’s thoughts because she’s special and better than everyone else. He is furious with her that he doesn’t know what she’s thinking at all times, because he is a controlling bully.
44. Edward drives 100mph because he can. Even though it’s terrifying for Bella & super dangerous for other road users. He is a prick.
45. I don’t understand the sunlight thing. The vampires presumably live in Forks because there’s no daylight there? Which is ridiculous. Nowhere is that overcast.
46. Edward has stunningly beautiful breath. That might actually be worse than the glitter thing.
47. Boys in this book think it’s okay to start rearranging the hair of the girls they fancy, touching their necks etc. As do fully-grown men in the bodies of boys.
48. After a spot of breaking down Bella’s self confidence, Edward suddenly declares that they are now dating. So they are.
49. Edward outright tells Bella he’ll be watching her conversations with her friends, so she’d better say what he wants her to say. Following the conversation with her friends which he has allowed her, he does indeed get mad with her, for thinking things he doesn’t like.
50. Bella & her friend Jessica agree that it’s quite natural to find your boyfriend intimidating, because that’s what sexual attraction feels like. What a wonderful message for teenage girls!
51. Edward is able to confirm via his mind powers that “every human male” in the school was instantly sexually obsessed with Bella when she arrived. I know she has to be super, super special, but maybe that’s going a bit far?
52. Bella & Edward haven’t even kissed yet, have been dating less than a day, and get into a debate about which of them loves the other the most. Edward wins because nobody has ever suffered as much as he suffer, or been such a self-sacrificing hero. He says.
53. Edward tells Bella that she should let her father know that she’s going on a trip with him, as it will increase the chance of him bringing her back alive. She declines because she trusts him or something, even though that is a direct threat. Not sure if this is a test of her loyalty, but it’s definitely not on.
54. Edward to Bella “You need a healthy dose of fear.” Stop threatening her you arsehole!
55. Mike about Edward. "He looks at you like… like you're something to eat." Even Bella’s stalker thinks Edward is a bit much.
56. Now that they’re dating, Bella isn’t allowed to talk to boys because Edward is a jealous monster. He is also already ignoring her when she speaks, in a classic “bad boyfriend” move.
57. ”It must be a hard thing, to be a father; living in fear that your daughter would meet a boy she liked, but also having to worry if she didn't.” Or you could just not police your daughter’s sex life?
58. Bella says her favourite colour is brown. Really? I know you’re dull Bella, but brown?
59. Edward questions Bella “relentlessly” about herself for hours, like a crazy stalker. Because that’s what love is? “Flinging questions” at people like an interrogation, without giving them time to think? That’s an actual psychological torture technique.
60. Edward & Bella are the kind of couple who have to be touching each other, or they get withdrawal symptoms. They even accidentally dress alike. I hate them.
61. Edward and his siblings are worried because if he kills Bella then it’ll reflect badly on him in the eyes of the student body. Bella is touched by Edward’s “anguish” and “yearned to comfort him.” She doesn’t want to think about her potential murder at his hands,“concentrating instead on making things safer for him.” What the hell is wrong with her? Is this vampire magic? She actually works to set up an alibi for him, so he won’t get in trouble if she turns up dead after their secret hike into the wilderness. Even Edward wants to know why she’s apparently suicidal, although of course he’s angry rather than concerned.
62. Bella has no autonomy whatsoever in terms of the relationship: “We would fall off one edge or the other, depending entirely upon his decision, or his instincts. My decision was made, made before I'd ever consciously chosen, and I was committed to seeing it through”
63. Stalker Mike seems to think Bella’s relationship plans are his business. She is no more bothered by his interrogation that Edward’s. Apparently this is how boys talk to girls in her life.
64. Bella lets Edward search her house when she isn’t there. She doesn’t even seem to think it odd.
65. “There was no way this godlike creature could be meant for me.” He said he likes you, Bella. Please accept that and stop fawning.
66. I hate the sparkling thing. It’s worse that I thought it would be.
67. ”Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin." Creepy & depersonalising.
68. Edward on resisting Bella: "It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and..." Implication of the ellipsis aside, you know Bella was one of those children, right?
69. Edward tells Bella he nearly murdered a random woman to get to Bella (and violently murder her), and she worries about how close she came to “being inadvertently responsible” for the woman’s death. You know Edward would have been responsible, not you? He is the blood-crazed lunatic here. It’s much too close to the “if I hadn’t led him on…” line of victim-blaming for my tastes.
70. So much boasting from Edward about what a heroic martyr he is for resisting slaughtering Bella. Also, there’s a strong unspoken rape aspect to the horrible things he was going to do to Bella. Disturbing.
71. “Common sense told me I should be terrified.” of Edward. Yes you should. Run Bella. Run!
72. Their endless “Oh, how I love you” conversations are excruciatingly badly written. And incredibly dull. I get it. You fancy each other. Move on.
73. Bella seems to basically orgasm when Edward kisses her. Not sure why. Bit awkward.
74. Edward spends two full days nagging Bella until she lets him drive her truck, for no obvious reason. I guess it’s a machismo thing?
75. Edward: ”"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" He shuddered. "The eighties were bearable."” What??
76. Esme’s origin story: “She fell from a cliff. They brought her straight to the hospital morgue, though, somehow, her heart was still beating." That’s some careless medical treatment.
77. Rosalie’s origin story: Warm-hearted humanitarian Carlisle picked her as a sexual partner for Edward. Don’t know when, where, why or what she thought about it. That’s it.
78. Edward sneaks into the house and watches Bella while she sleeps. He’s seemingly done this every night since he saw her, or at least every night since he decided he probably wasn’t going to tear her apart. Terrifying.
79. Edward seems to imply that he’s a virgin. Which I do not believe for a second. Or maybe he just means he hasn’t been with anyone since he’s been a vampire? Still no.
80. Actually, Edward says he has only been watching Bella since the time he got jealous because she spoke to a boy. So that’s okay then.
81. Edward explains that the reason he decided to risk being with Bella, even though he might kill her, is that he couldn’t stand the idea that she would fuck someone other than him. How sweet.
82. Apparently Bella has a beautiful floral scent, which is part of her appeal to Edward. Would it not be more realistic if her smell was connected with blood, the thing she’s full of and he lives for? But nope, it’s lavender, the smell of old lady’s skin care products. Okay then.
83. So, each of the vampires has a special power. Although most of them are actually just a vague character trait. The worst is definitely Esme’s ”ability to love passionately” Seriously? Alice has precognition, but Esme gets the ability to be a good wife to St. Carlisle the Compassionate?
84. Pretty sick of Bella talking about how “good” she has to be all the time to avoid stimulating Edward too much and tempting him to rape/murder her. I suppose this is the kind of thing you write when you’re part of a restrictive, sexually-repressive cult.
85. Bella throwing herself into Edward’s lap and looking to him for approval whilst he rocks her has a creepy father-daughter feeling I don’t like. His constant talking down to her doesn’t help.
86. Every single time Bella enters a room and finds Edward there, or even returns to a room and finds he hasn’t left, it “seemed like a miracle”. Calm down a bit, please.
87. The Cullens’ place sounds awful. A 100-year-old house they’ve mutilated by ripping out the entire back part and adding a glass wall, decorated entirely in white like a tasteless music video setting.
88. Edward tells Bella that his adoptive mother is so into his & Bella’s relationship that "Every time I touch you, she just about chokes with satisfaction.” Doesn’t sound right to me.
89. Rosalie is jealous of Bella because she wishes she were still human. However no one has yet told me why isn’t human any more (beyond Carlisle thinking she’s look nice next to Edward), so it’s hard to know how understandable this is, or what is says about her. Bella could ask, but she doesn’t give a shit about other people, so…
90. Carlisle’s back story is that he was a witchfinder in a Hammer Horror film. He had his own pitchfork-wielding mob and everything. Seems believable.
91. Vampire baseball. You could’ve written about anything in the world, and you chose vampire baseball!?
92. Taking Bella to the most embarrassingly uncool event in the history of time has endangered her life. Now everyone is running around and shouting and getting into different cars. It’s much too late in the book for me to care about this.
93. Suddenly Bad Vampires have appeared from nowhere, and Bella is in danger. Luckily the Cullens all want to protect her because she is valuable to Edward. This means many pages of them shuffling her from place to place like a parcel, getting in and out of cars etc.
94. Why do they keep calling Victoria “the female”? They know her name.
95. Edward gets frustrated with Bella for worrying. Admittedly she is on the run for her life whilst a dangerous hunter and the Cullens battle for survival, but Edward told her not to worry. So why is she disobeying him? You know, I think he might have an empathy disorder.
96. Bella is smart enough to escape the two vampires who are guarding her, but stupid enough to run straight to the one who is trying to kill her.
97. The villain explains his full plan to the victim right before killing her, just to fill in the gaps for the readership. He also stalls for no reason to give her time to escape.
98. Alice gets a backstory. It’s terrible and involves an asylum and a massive coincidence.
99. Bella awakes from her near-death experience, and immediately decides to give up her whole life for Edward.
100. Edward breaks up with Bella whilst she’s in a hospital bed, gets mad at her because she’s been learning things without asking his permission first, and then makes the nurses give her more opiates to shut her up.
101. But wait, it was just a bit of psychological manipulation. Now he’s taking her to Prom. And also taking her phone calls for her, because he is the definition of controlling. Even Bella is disappointed with Prom as a finale.
102. Stop saying the word twilight. It’s not clever to just say the title of the book. Please don’t.

I’m getting a little tired of this series now. There’s only so many times I care to read about rape, heraldry, people misliking things and characters who insist on reciting the frankly unimaginative stories of their lineage at the least provocation, regardless of narrative or external relevance. After so many thousands of pages it would be a miracle if Martin’s tale hadn’t lost focus to some extent, but at this point it’s getting so bloated that I’m afraid it won’t be able to drag its overstuffed carcass as far as the purported seventh and final book in this saga.

As is standard with this series, the book opens on some characters the reader either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about (or, if Martin is really on form, both). In this case Martin outdoes himself by including two different sections of new/dull characters vaguely waffling on about some of the innumerable people and places which have already appeared in the series. After roughly 60 pages of this the Ice and Fire saga proper finally continues.

Unfortunately it does so at the series’ usual funereal pace. For many hundreds of pages nothing much happens. The characters presumably feel this dearth of action themselves, since they as usual are reduced to discussing possible future plot developments longingly and at great length. Cersei mainly storms about wishing she could slap whichever human being is nearest to her at any given moment, and her chapters are marred by Martin having to resort to the “and then I realised I was naked” dream trope to clumsily indicate her increasing feelings of vulnerability. Jaime continues to be a self-pitying bore about the hand thing, which has apparently rendered him completely useless as a character or human. Brienne’s insufferably boring questing continues, whilst Martin misses no opportunity to tell us how incredibly unattractive she is and how much everyone wants to rape her. Arya continues to visit random places. Samwell continues to be a coward. Jon Snow continues telling Samwell he isn’t a coward, even though cowardice is in fact Sam’s only characteristic, unless you count being fat. Also, a lot of stuff suddenly happens in Dorne. This new setting means yet another slew of characters thrown into the story, and also for some reason necessitates one of the various knights in whom I am not interested describing continually the immense size of his new girlfriend’s nipples. Not that I object to his personal sexual preferences, but I am at a loss as to why they should be so strongly insisted upon in the text.

As usual, a significant portion of the book consists of character reminiscence rather than the furtherance of the current plot. I don’t object to this in principle, but in practice it results in a lot of turgid sentimental prose of a highly-clichéd nature, in the vein of: “When she had been presented to him, Cersei had almost drowned in the depths of his sad purple eyes. He has been wounded, she recalled thinking, but I will mend his hurt when we are wed.” I suppose this romantic effusion can be forgiven the 10-year-old Cersei, but I am unable to find any justification for Martin’s use of phrasing that could equally grace any Mills and Boon novel, and probably has.

Finally, as always, the last few chapters suddenly throw up various cliff-hangers and plot developments before breaking off abruptly and leaving the reader with too little information to form a solid opinion of the story arc as a whole. Then Martin himself interrupts to assure his loyal readers that the next volume will treat them to another half-dozen descriptions of the same series of events, told from the point of view of every character not included in this text. This endless milking of Martin’s one bid idea is no doubt making him and his publishers plenty of money, but it’s beginning to severely test my patience.