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First of all we find out the details of the mysterious “Jenna Thing”, a shadowy accident that the previous book skirted around for some time. It turns out to be kinda stupid, but at least it’s out of the way. Sadly the secret of Jenna’s brother Toby’s blackmail-worthy disgusting action is still undisclosed. It had better be good to be worth the wait, and not the totally obvious thing I think it is.
Then on to the main body of the story. Hanna’s self-loathing manifests itself in TV-friendly dramatic ways like hallucinations of skin disease and ugly braces when she glances into the mirror. Nobody notices this. Instead her parents oblige her to work at a burns clinic owned by the father of the boy whose car she crashed whilst drink-driving, as some form of restitution. Other people have their community service and compensation arranged by the courts and put on record, but the rich handle their own legal affair. Meanwhile Emily continues to tiresomely deny her lesbianism, despite the continual efforts of the girl she is in love with, who pops up regularly at various locations to attempt sexual relations and/or invite her to parties. At no point does she consider the feelings of this girl as she veers between interest and running away without explanation. Aria’s father turns out to still be having the affair with his student which he broke off 3½ years ago to move to Iceland. Although since every single character’s life seems to have been on hold since Alison’s death, waiting for this book series to begin, I suppose it’s not too surprising his girlfriend hasn’t moved on. And Spencer’s parents continue to facilitate their daughters’ sibling rivalry by behaving like a pair of babies, taking sides and ignoring Spencer during and after the funeral of her best friend. Whilst all this is happening we are obliged to hear all four girls’ directionless worryings about the mystery blackmailer, each which is identical to the last.
Luckily Hanna is working at the least secure hospital ever, and therefore gets the opportunity to steal unguarded and valuable medication roughly 5 minutes after she arrives. Does this come back later to bite her? Yes, indeed it does. Meanwhile Aria and her brother panic childishly about the idea that their parents might get a divorce and inconvenience them, Spencer’s pathetically petty parents drive her into the arms of creepy Wren and his “sexy British accent” (not sure which British accent this is, but since he went to Oxford I’m going to guess at “constipated posh”) and she has sex with him to a soundtrack of children’s cartoons, Emily fails to quit her swimming team, which is obviously enthralling, and Shepard continues to misuse the term “ironic” and its derivatives. Everyone suddenly seems to spend a lot of time fainting and having panic attacks, and Toby is everywhere in a potentially creepy but actually dull way, impressing Emily with his deep conversation about how the people at school who seem flawless (Like the book title! Such interconnections!) probably have problems too.
As nothing much continues to happen it becomes increasingly difficult to tell the difference between the various girls and the various boys they get involved with, particularly since 50%-75% of the main characters are dating one person as a screen whilst being more interested in another. Nothing much happens other than Spencer’s academic ability being driven out of her head by her contact with a male. Although since she had “My Humps” by the Black Eyed Peas as her ringtone in order to be ironic, she was probably never as clever as she thought she was. Hanna is blackmailed into vaguely embarrassing herself in front of some girls she hardly knows by the mysterious A, even though not one of A’s threats so far has come to anything. Aria drunkenly threatens the girl her father is shagging, rather than speaking to her father or mother about the matter. Everyone continues to be surprised that the discovery of a teenage girl’s body buried in her own garden is being investigated as murder. Most appallingly of all, all the characters feel the need to mention “Foxy” up to 3 times per page, every page. This cutesy moniker actually refers to a charity ball in aid of the Rosewood Foxhunting League, which no one seems to have a moral objection to. In fact, “It’s so big, some girls get plastic surgery for it.” This lack of dissent from the entire community, including the local media, seems odd given that the local yoga studio is surrounded by cars covered in “MEAT IS MURDER” and “PETA” stickers.
Most Specific Theme for a Hotel Bedroom
1776. Not the Eighteenth Century, or the Georgian Era or the Romantic Era. Specifically 1776. Which means a “crazy quilt” (patchwork, presumably?) and a butter churn. Both things which came into existence after January 1st 1776 and were obsolete by December 31st of the same year. Obviously.
Stupidest Names
Taryn Orr (female)
Lanie Iler (female)
Seth Cardiff
Riley Wolfe (female)
Adriana Peoples
Thayer Anderson (male)
Ori Case (male)
Most Charming Assessment of Local Society
"Downtown’s full of dirty hippies"
Worst Competitive Swimming Slogan
“EAT OUR BUBBLES”
or
"FLY GIRLS: SLIPPERY WHEN WET"
Least Inspiring Weather Related Comment
“Rain was her favorite kind of weather. It reminded her of rainy days”
Unexplained Acronyms
SEPTA, EMS, ICU, LASIK, MFA, AP, OB.
Most Pathetic Attempt at a Philosophy Reading List
“[b:Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance|629|Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance An Inquiry Into Values|Robert M. Pirsig|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1349023774s/629.jpg|175720] and [b:The Tao of Pooh|48757|The Tao of Pooh (The Wisdom of Pooh)|Benjamin Hoff|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1348137748s/48757.jpg|55188]”
Worst Compliment“When he cut [his hair] last spring, Hanna said it made him look a little like Justin Timberlake, only less skanky.”
Least Intelligent Response to Being Helped Whilst Unconscious“Toby picked her up? Like, in his arms?"
Well, I’m guessing he didn’t carry you in his mouth like a dog. I know you think he’s a weirdo, but try to make sense.
Most Pathetic Example of an Enigma“[it had] just become one of those life mysteries they’d never understand, like why Brad and Jen really got divorced.”
Leaving aside how vacuous and unimportant this subject is, it’s not even mysterious. I’m not an expert on these matters, but I’m fairly sure it’s common knowledge that they got divorced because he was shagging Angelina Jolie. So this reference doesn’t even make any sense. If you can’t do any better than this in your efforts to force entertainment news stories into the narrative Ms.Shepard, then I think it would be better for us both if you stopped trying.
Weirdest Character Summary“her interests were quirky things like snow globes, tai chi, and magnets”
How exactly is “magnets” an interest?
Most Depressing Musical Reference“…a white T-shirt with a drawing of a banana on it. It was the cover to some old album, Aria just couldn’t remember what.”
Most Reductive Summary of a Philosophical and Artistic Concept“It was surreal to see them again. And not the cool, Zac-Posen-kaleidoscopic-dress sort of surreal”
I must admit that I have no idea what a Zac Posen kaleidoscopic dress is. But I know what it’s not. It’s not surreal. There again, to be fair, meeting your stepmother and stepsister who you haven’t seen for a little while, as in the context of this remark, is nowhere near surreal either. To be honest, I’m not sure why Surrealism was even brought up.
Most Disturbing Concept“Kate probably thought they shared some sort of cute-girl bond.”
No idea what a “cute-girl bond” is. Although in fairness there is no reason that I would.
Throughout it all everyone has a massive sense of entitlement, constantly descending into sulks and histrionics for such reasons as “I touched that boy once, you can’t have him”, “That’s my dad, no one else is allowed to marry him” and “I own that dress, you can’t buy one in a different colour”. This is coupled with a plethora of “problems” that really shouldn’t be dignified with a moment’s thought, a such as “I fancy this gorgeous boy and he fancies me, but will he be put off by my almost insurmountable family baggage, which amounts to my dad quietly having an affair?”. Am I really supposed to feel concern?The book concludes with many chapters of the girls separately deciding that Toby is both the blackmailer and the murder, for the reason that they are all stupid. He isn’t, then he kills himself. His mystery blackmailable offence is then revealed, and indeed turns out to be exactly what I thought it was. Meanwhile no one learns anything about ‘A’ whatsoever, leaving us back where we started in time for book three.
The previous holder of my “most unappealing first sentence of a book series” award was the awe-inspiringly stupid [a:Charlaine Harris|17061|Charlaine Harris|http://photo.goodreads.com/authors/1307925926p2/17061.jpg], on grounds of grammar alone, for [b:Dead Until Dark|301082|Dead Until Dark (Sookie Stackhouse, #1)|Charlaine Harris|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1311115565s/301082.jpg|479517]’s “I’d been waiting for the vampire for years when he walked into the bar”. However this did at least have the decency , as you have no doubt noticed, to mention a vampire. [a:Sara Shepard|93970|Sara Shepard|http://photo.goodreads.com/authors/1229580414p2/93970.jpg] effortlessly breaks this record with the following:
"Imagine it’s a couple of years ago, the summer between seventh and eighth grade. You’re tan from lying out next to your rock-lined pool, you’ve got on your new Juicy sweats (remember when everybody wore those?), and your mind’s on your crush, the boy who goes to that other prep school whose name we won’t mention and who folds jeans at Abercrombie in the mall.”
I very nearly stopped reading immediately. This book is clearly not aimed at me. It’s apparently for horrifyingly vain and privileged US 15/16yr olds who are unable to describe someone of a tanned appearance with any grammatical accuracy. However once I got over the shock I reflected that if someone six years older than me feels justified in writing this and aiming it at the delicate minds of teenagers, then surely I’m justified in criticising it as I see fit? And even if not, who’s going to stop me? To that end, I would like to say that any teenager whose first reaction upon seeing the picture of a missing young girl is to rate her cuteness in relation to their own is in need of urgent psychological help in order to amend the way in which she interacts with the world.
As the book opens we are introduced to five vile, spoilt bitches. Their leader is Alison, (“signature” phrase “I’m Ali and I’m fabulous.”, who is perfect and adored by everyone as well as the kind of girl who enjoys mocking “dorks” to their face and calling her friends fat or a slag. The whole group are not only rich, they are the sort of rich people who snub the nouveau-riche for having the wrong type of mansions and pride themselves on their “noble bloodlines”. They are also absolutely obsessed with Abercrombie (which I believe to be a chain of clothes stores aimed at Sloane Ranger types and given to oppressing minorities and women) and inappropriately sexualised for their age, blushing at older boys and admiring their “totally grope-worthy stomach muscles”, running about naked in cornfields for fun and playing a game called “Olympian Sex Goddesses”. (Having said that, 3½ years later one of them is embarrassed by thinking the term “boob parts” in reference to a bra. So maybe they’re not as mature about sexual matters as they think). Their inane nothings are interrupted when 13-year-old Alison mercifully goes missing, a fact which is reported to the police a mere 36 hours later.
Nobody is particularly bothered by this disappearance, and we move on 3½ years to Alison’s parents throwing all her belongings onto the pavement and leaving, opening the way for a new girl from “San Fran” to move into the neighbourhood and Alison’s bedroom. Thirty seconds later, peer pressure from this new girl with awful taste in music has led Emily to smoking pot, in a scene difficult to take seriously as no one has ever actually offered anyone a joint with the words “Want a hit?” At exactly the same time Aria moves back from Iceland, where she has become a vain Hipster, and immediately commences swanning about driving without a license (on the advice of her mum), whining about how much better European beer is, misusing the word “irony” and sleeping with a stranger in a pub toilet. Will that come back to bite her? Yes, it almost immediately will. Meanwhile fat friend Hanna has developed into an uber-popular bulimic flasher and become best friends with the previously uncool Mona, now an attention-seeking poor-little-rich-girl shoplifter. Finally our fourth heroine Spencer is occupied being jealous of her sister and planning to steal her current boyfriend, the stupidly named English-Korean Wren, as well as talking about such mysterious acronyms as Aps, GPAs, VPs & JVs.
Once everyone’s teen-drama problems are set up (glamorous issues only, none of them ever has a “pimple” or anything dirty like that) they meander about mentioning products, brands and shops every 4th line, most of which I am unaware of and/or not interested in. Suffice to say, they all have an obscene amount of labelled clothes and expensive jewellery to wear whilst they shag their teachers, drink red wine, incongruously quote Sartre and have glamorous panic attacks at the thought of their “dead” friend Alison. The only interruption to this is some vaguely sarky but strangely apposite texts messages and notes each of them receive at inopportune moments, signed ‘A.’ Who could it be?
Various cheesy seductions occur (the kiss-on-the-cheek between female friends that goes a little too far, the hot-tub massage on spurious medical grounds) and a seemingly endless parade of fashion designers are mentioned as we hear far too many details of the girls’ wardrobes. Characters worry about such difficult to sympathise with issues as how calorie-laden vodka and lemonade is. The girl Emily fancies repetitively mentions how great everything was back in “Cali” once every two minutes and reminisces about cutting herself in order to tick another box on the “teen issues” chart. Spencer continues to encourage the inappropriate behaviour of her sister’s boyfriend, even though he seems somewhat of a stalker-pervert type. During a traditional teen horror movie dream sequence Aria’s doorbell rings to the tune of “American Idiot” by Greenday, which brings a much-needed note of mockery to proceedings. Unfortunately it’s only one note against the symphony of logomania and status obsession. Hanna experiences the kind of drink related total memory loss that only happens on TV even though a car crash is exactly the type of thing that normally leaves a couple of memories, particularly in someone who wasn’t even acting more than mildly tipsy. In summary, a lot of people do stupid things.
The dénouement is the finding of Alison’s body, which turns out to have been buried in a large hole in her own garden, which was filled in for no reason by suspicious builders just after she disappeared. There is no mention of either the builders or her family being questioned regarding this, nor of an internal investigation into what the hell the police were doing totally failing to consider this possibility until the new owners of the house decided to dig up the garden for a new tennis court. This bring our 4 heroines to the same location, namely the memorial service, where they eventually discuss the matter of their knowledgeable stalker. No one actually learns anything, except that all four of them are too stupid to think to turn their phones off at a funeral. The stalker remain unidentified. Their silly dramas drag on. The secret of what exactly they did to their unfortunate victim “Jenna” remains hidden. And everyone wanders off to wait for the next book.
Most Random Accusation Directed at the Reader
“You thought only girls who entered beauty
pageants ended up on the sides of milk cartons.”
No I didn’t. Where the hell would I get that idea from? The only thing I can even vaguely connect with this is JonBenét Ramsay, and I don’t believe she was missing long enough to be cartonised. Not unless US milk production works a lot faster than I was aware. I guess I just don’t naturally connect kidnapping and popularity contests the way you do, Sara Shepard.
Least Appropriate Item of Clothing for a 13-Year-Old
An “IRISH GIRLS DO IT BETTER baby tee”.
Which I think is a tiny t-shirt? At any rate, not being allowed to wear this by your parents does not make me feel any great sympathy for your strict upbringing. If being disallowed from wearing this is considered a harsh rule, then god knows what the other girls look like.
Most Air-Headed Metaphor
“Before Ali, the girls had felt like pleated, high-waisted mom jeans…but then Ali made them feel like the most perfect-fitting Stella McCartneys that no one could afford.”
Worst Names
Spencer Hastings (female)
Mona Vanderwaal
Chassey Bledsoe (female)
Phi Templeton (female)
Maya St.Germain
Byron Montgomery
Michelangelo Montgomery
Wren Kim (male)
Ezra Fitz
Casey Kirschner (male)
Alyssa Pennypacker
Devon Arliss (female)
Mason Byers (m)
Most Mysterious Statement
“She was a nearly straight-A, four-time state champion butterflyer”
Is this some type of slang term I’m unfamiliar with? It later reoccurs on a magnet in the following form:
“COED NAKED BUTTERFLY”
Which I can only take to be code of some type.
Least Flattering Assessment of a Nationality
“he claimed that all Icelandic boys were ‘pussies who rode small, gay horses’”
Most Unoriginal “Relevant” Background Song
“Oops I Did it Again” whilst Hanna steals some Tiffany diamonds. Again.
Oddest Response to a One Night Stand
Texting him a haiku at 2:30am.
Most Childish Response to a Medical Conversation
“Spencer tried not to giggle at the word sac.”
Most Oxymoronic Description
Doringbell Friends, the ultra-hip Quakerschool
Overall, the book reads like a collection of teen problem pages have come to life and just happen to live in the single most unrealistic and unidentifiably elite town possible. The simplification of every example of teen angst and misery Shepard can come up with into a TV-ready series of vignettes featuring unattainably beautiful and rich heroines who are simultaneously incredibly academic and total airheads and whose lives revolve around brands and boys frankly leaves a very sour taste in the mouth. By making her creations so ridiculously fantastic the author has ensured that not only can a teen reader have no chance of seeing herself in the pages and taking comfort in relation to her own problems, but she is also presented with an unattainable standard of victimhood. What this book tells you is that not only is it fashionable and exciting to have problems like bulimia, self-harm, a tendency to drive drunk and an older man preying on you sexually, but that there’s no excuse to not have the body, wardrobe and hair of a Barbie doll whilst you’re attractively suffering.
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First the now standard prologue, wherein the reader is addressed directly in a slanderous attempt to link their lives to those of the ridiculous idiots who populate these books:
“Have you ever had a friend turn on you? Just totally transform from someone you thought you knew into someone…else? I’m not talking your boyfriend from nursery school who grows up and gets gawky and ugly and zitty, … or even a girl in your clique who suddenly breaks away and turns goth or into one of those granola Outward Bound kids…”
What type of person considers a friend growing up “gawky”, “ugly”, “zitty” or a goth as a treachery? Surely I’m not meant to take seriously this weirdly skewed view of the world seen through a filter of pure, unadulterated judgemental bullying? And since it seems to be my type of people who are being judged, I feel a little awkward continuing with what is apparently a handbook for my natural enemies.
Also, no idea what a “granola Outward Bound kid” is.
At any rate, Shepard continues to remind us to take the friendship groups of 13-year-olds far too seriously, in order that the following story will make sense. Also, it is indicated that all of a sudden we should suspect Spencer of murdering Alison, even though that wouldn’t make sense. Plot direction signposted, the story begins.
Everyone's current problems are as follows: Spencer’s teacher has submitted one of her essays for a nationwide competition. But in a shocking and unforeseen twist, the essay is one of those which she copied from her sister. Will anyone find out? Yes, they will. Aria is torn between her sexy, gorgeous boyfriend and the sexy, gorgeous teacher she slept with a few weeks ago. Emily is worrying about her combination of judgmental friends, racist and homophobic mother and black girlfriend, which are bound to collide at some point. And Hanna is preparing for best friend Mona’s ridiculously ostentations MTV-worthy birthday party, which doesn’t really seems as serious as the other issues but will no doubt lead to some exciting boy-related high-jinks and traumas.
Everything proceeds as usual. Labels and brands are mentioned gratuitously, and generally mean nothing to me. The one police officer interested in the murder case continues his lacklustre investigation by vaguely threatening a group of teenage girls and revealing information about the police’s suspicions. ‘A’ continues to send dull and threatening messages. Spencer and her sister continue to fight over Melissa’s boyfriend. This time it’s ex-from-3½ years ago-but-now-current Ian once again, rather than current-ex-but-boyfriend-a-few-months-ago Wren, which makes no difference whatsoever as Melissa only involves herself with boys who are constantly looking for an excuse to flirt with / assault her sister.
Meanwhile the local press show a private video they have obtained of all 5 of the young girls in their pyjamas hinting at private sexual matters, filmed just before Alison’s disappearance. I’m pretty sure this is illegal and disgraceful, but no one comments other than to lament the fact that they aren’t wearing less clothes. Emily’s lesbian kiss photograph is finally revealed to the population of Rosewood; they are characteristically offensive about it, and she is characteristically ashamed and whiney. Hannah falls out with her best friend because they are both unbelievably stupid, and also turns out to have had the same mobile phone for the last 3½ years, even though during that period she metamorphosed from “dork” to the most trend-conscious person who’s ever lived. Spencer takes to having the sort of blurry, unidentifiable flashbacks so popular with characters in badly written crime melodramas. Emily becomes the most popular girl in school due to being a lesbian, assuming you equate popularity with being a sexualised joke. Fortunately, all the characters in the book do just that, excepting Emily’s parents, who attempt to involve her in some type of anti-gay brainwashing cult. Everyone continues to have vague memories that Alison might have been upset before she dies, or might have said summat about having a secret, older, murderous boyfriend, but they can’t quite remember and anyway they haven’t got time to think about that now, nor have they had time for 3½ years. Not with all the parties and shopping and sex. Shepard continues to both mis- and over-use the prefix “über”. Nothing changes.
There’s an awful lot of nothing to get through in this book. Aria visiting the local graveyard (for both human and animals remains, apparently) for the purpose of seeing/quoting goth clichés. Hanna continuing to fall out with her friend in a pathetically childish manner. Spencer confiding her mundane sibling-rivalry-based problems to her therapist, who responds using trite pieces of advice she seems to have picked up from reading Cosmopolitan, as well as the totally discredited technique of hypnosis. This leads to more TV-Show-Recovered-Memory-Syndrome, complete with vivid flashbacks the protagonists can’t escape, and obligatory semi-useless “revelations” about the past. Everyone harps on about there being a stalker in Rosewood, although not much stalking happens. Aria continues to moan on and on about her dad’s affair, whilst hypocritically and predictably cheating on her boyfriend with her ex, the creepy teacher. Some boy who’s never been mentioned before decides to cheer Hanna up by taking her on a hot air balloon ride, as you do for girls you hardly know. Spencer becomes so bored she begins to suspect herself of having murdered Alison, just for summat to do.
Emily continues to attend her anti-gay cult (which mainly consists of one ex-lesbian in hello kitty jewellery) in order to avoid being sent away to live with her American Gothic hick relatives in Iowa, who spend their days dreaming of nunneries and writing books on sin. Which is a shame, as I might be interested in an anti-[b:Pollyanna|1000751|Pollyanna (Pollyanna #1)|Eleanor H. Porter|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1348971112s/1000751.jpg|1099715] / [b:Cold Comfort Farm|92780|Cold Comfort Farm |Stella Gibbons|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1309288096s/92780.jpg|847348] subplot where Emily teaches her countrified relatives the merits of Gucci and lesbianism and they all run away to New York to take jobs in advertising and live happily ever after. But so far we’re stuck in the soulless vacuum that is Rosewood.
Eventually Spencer attempts to strengthen the random hints at the beginning of the book that she is the murderer by suddenly pushing her sister down the stairs whilst having incriminating flashbacks of doing the same thing to Alison. The whole thing is equally melodramatic and ridiculous, although no more so than Hanna’s breakdown when she tears her dress at a party she shouldn’t have been at in the first place. Meanwhile Emily’s anti-gay counsellor meets a pink-clad ex-girlfriend with a Pokémon appliqué on her thumb and suddenly remembers that actually she is most definitely a lesbian. Consequently Emily, who makes all her relationship decisions by mirroring the person nearest to her, also decides that she is definitely a lesbian, and makes a scene about it at the abovementioned party. Meanwhile Aria has a prophetic dream-vision of Alison (who you can tell is dead, because her lipstick’s wonky) urging her to look for clues. This is written in the style of a derivative horror screenplay, and is se risible it doesn’t seem worth my time to mock it. Immediately afterward her older pervert boyfriend is arrested on the say-so of her younger, boring boyfriend, who is inexplicably allowed to attend the arrest as though the police operation is merely part of his own personal revenge mission. Then a whole lot of previously revealed secret are re-hashed before we replay the ending of the last book (the girls suddenly decide who the killer/blackmailer is all at once during a group phone-call) except this time without Spencer, since she is the new suspect. Meanwhile, Spencer continues to abruptly recall a whole load of repressed memories about Alison’s death via the medium of spontaneous vivid hallucinations. Which isn’t terribly likely. Disappointingly, we also find out that Melissa is still alive.
We conclude with the girls once more deciding that the best way to deal with their suspicions is to start crazily driving about in the dark casting accusations at people, since that worked out so well last time. They do keep thinking “This makes no sense”, but sadly fail to listen to their own well-founded doubts. This time instead of leading to a random boy’s suicide it results in Hanna being run over, which I must admit I found pretty satisfying. Sadly, I doubt there will be a fatality. Then, abruptly, the end.
Worst Competitive Swimming Slogan
INSTANT SWIM CHICK! JUST ADD WATER !
Least Challenging and Simultaneously Most Pathetic Personal Goal
“I’ll be a smarter, cuter Paris Hilton.”
Unexplained Acronyms
JV, STX, PSP
Stupidest Names
Hunter Queenan
Jordana Pratt
Preston Kahn
Desdemona Lee
Cody Wallis
Jared Coffey
Jennings Silver
Yolanda Hensler
Viviana Rogers
Most Overused Word
Natatorium
I don’t think I’ve ever seen this word in a fiction text before. Yet Shepard seems to feel the need to use it at least half a dozen times per book.
Most Nonsensical Comparison
“And wasn’t going to her worst enemy’s therapist like going to an ugly girl’s plastic surgeon?”
No. Not at all. Where do you get these things from? And it continues…
“Spencer feared she’d probably come out of her very first shrink session with the mental-health equivalent of hideously lopsided fake boobs.”
Which would be what exactly? You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you Ms. Shepard? Still, as long as you’re mentioning trendy rich-girl shit like cosmetic surgery then there’s no need to make sense.
Worst Use of an English Class’s Time
“a Desperate Housewives–style interpretation of Medea”
Although since the rest of the English Class seems to consist of explaining the most basic plot points of [b:The Scarlet Letter|12296|The Scarlet Letter (Penguin Classics)|Nathaniel Hawthorne|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1327879100s/12296.jpg|4925227] (i.e, the fact that it features a scarlet letter) for the benefit of the Prettty Little Liars readership, this horrifying bastardisation of [a:Euripides|973|Euripides|http://photo.goodreads.com/authors/1195014632p2/973.jpg] is probably a high point for the class.
Worst Depiction of Existentialist Angst
“She still felt like a punked-out, faux-leather-wearing, freethinking Bratz doll in a sea of Pretty Princess of Preppyland Barbies.”
Sorry, your representative of alternative, open-minded individuals is a Bratz doll? I’m genuinely quite frightened by this. Plus, to make it all the more horrifying, Aria is reading [b:No Exit|123933|No Exit|Jean-Paul Sartre|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1295191470s/123933.jpg|8826974] as she thinks this. I can’t imagine that when Sartre said “We invent ourselves by virtue of the multitude of our choices” he ever thought the choice would come down to Barbie or Bratz doll.
Most Absolute Moral Judgement for a Promiscuous Teenager Sleeping with a Possibly Married Man
“ “I don’t think adultery is permissible or forgivable,” she said softly. “Ever.” ”
Followed by bursting into her father’s girlfriend’s place of work and painting a red ‘A’ on her dress in front of a room of witnesses. Which for some reason is not treated as assault and criminal damage, as would be the case for a poor person. I’d also like to nominate this section for ‘Worst Misreading of ‘The Scarlet Letter’ by Someone Supposed to be Intellectual.’
Most Mysterious Pop-Culture Gap
“SCISSOR SISTERS, which could be a band or a salon or a cult.”
Considering that we’ve already heard all about Hanna’s love of MTV, it seems a little weird that this would be a mystery to her.
Most Unintelligible Boast
“I have a negative-edge pool”
So your pool is actually convex and forms a solid rectangle 12ft above the ground, functioning as an art installation rather than a swimming-site per se? Or perhaps the edges exist in negative space and are not edges at all, but in fact infinite theoretical spaces, meaning that the actual volume of the pool is unlimited? I’m having difficulty imagining this.
Weirdest Word association
“Even as she typed that word—lesbian-… it seemed strange to think that it applied to her. She didn’t like it, as a word—it made her think of rice pudding, which she despised.”
This doesn’t seem a very sound basis for deciding on your sexuality. It also seems, as far as I can tell, to be absolute nonsense. Maybe it’s a US thing? Anyone with any ideas, please let me know.
Weirdest Birthday treat for a Child
Renting out a whole branch of Ikea for a treasure hunt.
Stand-Out Example of How Unbelievably Spoilt All the Characters Are
“Spencer was lying on her bed, watching her palm-leaf ceiling fan go
around and around. The fan cost more than a decent running car, but Spencer had begged her mom to buy it because it looked identical to the fan in her private cabana the time her family stayed at the Caves in Jamaica.”
It is literally physically impossible that I could feel any sympathy for her after this point. Particularly since, to add insult to injury, Spencer has now got a bit bored of the fan and decided it’s too childish.
Impressively this book actually managed to be worse than the previous two, since the addition of outmoded and bizarre supernatural elements such as episodic flashbacks, hysterical asymptomatic amnesia and characters suddenly endowed with the gift of foresight, all done without either skill or irony, removes any degree of sense the plot ever had. I can only assume that in the next volume the killer/blackmailer will be revealed by the hand of God Herself, since anything else would be anticlimactic after this overwrought nonsense.
The end of this cycle of Pretty Little Liars, although sadly the series is somehow continued.
We commence with a prequel rehashing absolutely every dull thing that happened before the disappearance of the infamous and appalling Alison, and reminding us of Shepard’s obsession with Bratz dolls. Then we’re back where we left off, as all the characters gather in a hospital waiting room to hear whether Hanna has survived her cliff-hanger car accident. Emily is not present however, as she has somehow managed to get onto a plane to Iowa whilst everyone else was distracted with this whole accident business. Aria has attended, but is less concerned with her friend’s potential death than with telling the police that another friend (Spencer, for ‘reasons’ mentioned in the previous book) is probably the mystery killer. Luckily Officer Wilden, the only local policeman, is fully aware of the details of every teenage girl in Rosewood’s love-life from 3½ years ago and is also slightly less stupid than Aria, so he is able to point out that none of the previous book made sense and Aria is wrong. Clumsily forced prime suspect this book is Melissa, Spencer’s sister. We know this because Shepard suddenly starts inserting jarring references to people suspecting her, although there is no particular reason to do so at this stage, or indeed at all.
Meanwhile Hanna has some sort of near-death-experience vision thing that makes no sense and basically consists of the whole prologue written out again, presumably for padding. Aria’s teacher-boyfriend loses his job due to his inappropriate sexual behaviour, but thanks to the typically lacklustre Rosewood Police Department there are no legal ramifications and he is free to continue to molest young girls as he wishes. He then immediately moves away in order to draw the storyline to a close, leaving Aria with the romantic parting gift of a William Shakespeare bobblehead. Three paragraphs later she has forgotten all about him and decided to take a course on “Mindless Art”, for which she is obviously well fitted. Elsewhere, Emily’s trip to Iowa turns out to be a disappointment; although the phrase ‘American Gothic’ is used a few times, in lieu of Shepard actually evoking it (not a possibility with her limited skills), it almost immediately turns out that Iowa is exactly the same as Rosewood, but with less money and a backdrop the author admits to lifting from the lazy American remake of the [b:Ring Ring 1|38379|Ring (Ring, #1)|Koji Suzuki|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1320424323s/38379.jpg|1921329] film. Emily’s cousins all turn out to be obsessed with parties and sex, and she immediately meets a sexy lesbian who fancies her. Directly after this it turns out that Emily’s cousin is a bitch, just like every other female in these books, and Emily is sent straight back to Rosewood. She has the misfortune of having to briefly come into contact with poor people on the way, but mercifully makes it through the horror unscathed and returns to her parents, who have forgotten that they are racist and homophobic. This leaves her with no problems, but she swiftly corrects that by deciding that she’s in love with Trista from Iowa instead of her girlfriend, even though she only met Trista once and all they talked about was chocolate.
Spencer, meanwhile, is rewarded for trying to kill her sister with a luxury beach holiday. She spends her time reminiscing with her sister about their childhood torture of ponies, and planning a candlelit vigil / glamorous social event for Hanna. Aria’s brother Mike continues to be a sex obsessed pig and potential rapist, but no one cares. Hanna remains in a coma, although she does still have a “taut, young body” and attentive boyfriend to read her magazine articles on Lancôme Soleil Flash Browner tinted mousse, so it’s not all bad. The Rosewood Stalker is mentioned once a chapter, but continues to refrain from actually doing anything. Everyone continues to be drowning in expensive possessions, none of which they’re grateful for.
Hanna eventually wakes up, but is unfortunately suffering from a very specific form of plot-assisting amnesia which causes her to be unable to remember all the relevant murder-related stuff she realised just before her accident. She is however well enough to immediately demand a private room, a portable DVD player, an orthopaedic mattress and a masquerade party. Meanwhile an awful lot of nothing happens. Spencer’s dull essay fraud drags on. Spender and Mona indulge in some therapeutic knicker-flashing. Mike the pervert sexually harasses some nurses and the bed-bound Hanna for a bit, even though there’s no reason for him to be at the hospital. Mona reveals that she’s been getting mystery texts from ‘A’ as well, which have exactly as much impact on the plot as all the previous texts. Aria becomes furiously jealous that the girl she helped blind is going to have her art exhibited, even though she herself has shown virtually no interest in art throughout this series (She is the “Artistic One”, but that mainly entails her dressing like the world’s richest hipster rather than doing anything creative). Mike sexually harasses Emily again about her lesbianism, but she’s pretty sure he isn’t doing it in a mean way, so that’s okay. One of Melissa’s boyfriends sexually harasses Spencer again, but as usual she has no feelings on the matter and just placidly waits until the assault is interrupted. Hanna frets over whether her latest sexual obsession is cool enough to date. Emily and Maya are voted ‘Couple Most Likely to be Together at the 5-Year Reunion”, presumably on the strength of that one photo of them kissing at a party that did the rounds of the school. Everybody gathers periodically to restate everything they know about the murder/blackmail stuff, come up with no new ideas, and then leave. Aria is briefly worried because her brother refrains from making a sexist remark for over a minute, but mercifully he is soon back on form. Spencer’s recovered memories and Hanna’s prophetic dreams continue periodically, just in case the reader was in danger of taking any of this seriously for a second.
By this point in this series each individual event is taking place purely for the sake of drama, and makes no narrative sense. Trista from Iowa suddenly flying to Rosewood and turning up unannounced in the middle of the school? Aria trusting ‘A’’s helpful advice even though ‘A’ has repeatedly threatened all her friends and possibly tried to kill one of them? I don't suppose it's worth asking why.
Eventually everyone attends Hanna’s masquerade party, which charmingly features dozens of scantily-clad “man-slaves”, presumably dying inside as they carry a spoilt little rich girl around on a tasselled bed. The mask theme forces us to endure Hanna and Mona talking at some length in hushed and reverential tones about their Dior masks, previously used at a fashion show, as though they are holy relics. The party also serves as an opportunity for Rosewood’s second police officer to appear and start questioning teen girls about a delicate matter right in the middle of a massive social occasion. This seems an unusual way to handle a police investigation to me, but at least it gives Officer Simmons a chance for a night out. Aria skips the party however in order to hang around on her own, in the dark, in a thunderstorm, waiting to be attacked, even though this is completely unnecessary. Jenna reveals that her accident was even stupider than it first seemed. Then the four girls decide that they must stick together to stay safe, before immediately separating so that some of them can meet Justin Timberlake. Surprisingly enough this leads to one of them being in danger, although unfairly not the Justin Timberlake fan.
The dénouement is your standard “where are you taking me?” victim-trapped-with-a-person-who-they-realise-too-late-is-the-perpetrator scenario, coupled with a car chase where the Rosewood police once again inexplicably let teenagers accompany them on sensitive and dangerous official business. The Jenna Incident is also moved up to a new level of ridiculousness in order to try to explain events. Matters are then quickly resolved when Mona the Blackmailer falls into a convenient quarry. Hanna gives a swift eulogy fondly recalling the time when she and Mona came to the same quarry to deliberately sexually tease young boys with a swimsuit “fashion show”, and the blackmail problem is solved. Moving on to the issue of the murderer, the police immediately head to arrest Melissa’s ex-ex-boyfriend-ex, or whatever he is now, Ian on the hearsay evidence of the accusation of a potential crazy blackmailer. He isn’t at home, so they panic and ask the teenage girls what to do. Nobody is sure, so they all head home for now, and the police leave then unattended somewhere on the road where the murder took place, in the dark. They immediately bump into Ian, and he is promptly arrested.
Afterward a number of minor details of the characters’ lives, none of which I care about, are wrapped up. Nobody questions Spencer about throwing Mona into a quarry because Mona was a bit of a bitch, so that’s fine and no legal issues remain to concern anyone. Hanna’s parents swap houses for some reason, whilst Hanna reflects on how her best friend’s death will leave her with no competition for the position of most popular girl in school. She also deletes vital evidence from Mona’s phone in order to avoid the vague possibility of some social embarrassment for herself. Everything is fixed and there is no need whatsoever for the series to continue. But wait…whose were the blue eyes Emily saw peering from a blacked-out car? Could she have seen Alison? Granted none of the other sightings were actually her, but still, for cliffhanger reasons maybe this time it is? Maybe things aren’t over after all. Maybe there’s profit to be made in recycling this whole series of over again?
Worst Competitive Swimming Slogan
LOVE AN ANIMAL, HUG A SWIMMER
Stupidest Names
Dyson
Brett, Todd and Xavi
Trista Taylor
Most Obvious Sign of an Eating Disorder Which Goes Unquestioned
Hanna demanding to know how many calories she’s getting via her hospital IV drip, and realising delightedly that she’s lost some weight whilst she was in her coma.
Most Ridiculous Product of Which I Was Previously Unaware
Orbit Mint Mojito gum
Worst Gift From a Mother to Her Newly Out Lesbian Daughter
Finding Nemo, because in it “Ellen DeGeneres …[is]… a fish—a lesbian swimmer, just like Emily.”
Most Pathetic Attempt to Show Off
“Nah, I bet they’re giving her painkillers.” Mason’s parents were doctors, so he always busted out his medical knowledge.”
Leaving aside the use of the term “busted-out”, can guessing that a girl who’s been in a major car accident will be on painkillers really be considered insider medical knowledge?
Least Exciting Debate
“Bisque or ivory napkins?”
Most Cliched Sentence
Although the competition was stiff, I’m going to go with a classic:
“We all wear masks in our own ways, don’t we?”
Said during a mask-making class, to a girl who will soon be attending a masquerade ball. Ms.Shepard has never been one for subtlety.
Most Inappropriate Teacher
Ezra Fitz has held this title with ease for the last 3 books, but is now challenged by P.E teacher Mr.Draznowsky and his habit of giving the girls regular impromptu advice on contraception, whether they want him to or not.
Weirdest Potential Hooters Waitress Names
“Randi? Fifi? Oh! What about Caitlin?”
Caitlin? Have I missed summat here?
Most Self-Injurious Highlighting of a Plothole Which Remains Unexplained
“Why didn’t the cops find …[Alison’s]… diary when she went missing?” she sputtered. …
“Who the hell knows?””
Most Snobbish Social Comment
“Hanna crammed into the back of Wilden’s squad car next to Aria and Emily. It was where criminals—not that Rosewood had many—typically sat.”
No criminals in Rosewood. Although there was that murder. And that time Hanna was arrested for shoplifting. And that time she stole that medication. And Aria’s molester teacher. And the hit-and-run perpetrator. And the stalker. And the blackmailer. And all that sexual harassment. But that was all perpetrated by elegant upper class people who were just making mistakes, or were excitingly crazy for narrative reasons, not criminals. Criminals are lower-class people with no respect for the law and morality. Totally different thing.
As it turned out, the basis of this series seems to be a re-working of Twin Peaks with all the characters removed and the life and originality sucked out, for the benefit of idiots. A beautiful blonde girl dies in mysterious circumstances leaving behind a potentially clue-filled and scandalous diary and a whole town of people obsess over her death, trying to uncover her secrets and discover the identity of her murderer. Unfortunately in this case all her secrets were terrible, and everyone she knew was horribly boring and obsessed with themselves and their hair. I wish I’d re-read [b:The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer|119427|The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer|Jennifer Lynch|http://photo.goodreads.com/books/1276132346s/119427.jpg|2237168] instead.
My main problem with this book was the almost complete lack of momentum caused by the poor plotting, lack of content and unbelievable characters. It basically amounts to a clutch of blank spaces in different outfits standing about waiting to reach the last chapter. It’s pretty much impossible to build up suspense when nobody’s actions make any sense or have any logical consequences. The biggest puzzle of all is how, given Shepard ran out of any ideas somewhere near the beginning of the second book, this series can be continued. Sadly, I’m probably stupid enough to try to find out.