if i were to reread this entire series, i would stop at the first book, that part where they're still at sinegard, and forget that everything else happened. 

in this book though, the first part was just really slow for me. it feels like so much and nothing was happening at the same time. but that ending. i am in utter shock. that was probably the most fcked up ending i've ever read. but also i couldn't think of any ending more suitable than that. i also can't find any more solution other than that. is this what happened to china before? i really have mixed feeling with this. 

i don't exactly know what to say. this series was a freaking rollercoaster ride, and it made me realize a lot of things. for one; the answer of the question the question i've been asking for a long time. in this book, hisperia's religion is supposed to represent catholic or Christianity. we cannot deny the fact the this religion and its belief has been forced upon us. there are also evidences that death had been given to those who would not embrace this religion. and knowing all this, why do we still believe or embrace this beliefs? rin said that because of its peacefulness it brought. the thought that after death, we will return to this place where there is no chaos, and that really puts us at ease. i also realized this but it's also because believing that someone, Him, is with us, through ups and downs, makes us feel that we're not alone. it kinda made me question so many things (what's the purpose of this belief, if there's any? does this mean that some believed cause of the peace that it brings? i can't really articulate this well with words:( )

also, that your life is not important when it comes to war. you'd just have to suck it up or pray that the damage wouldn't be too big. it's like you're just a pawn in the war politics and higher ups would likely sacrifice you if it's for the good of all. the hardest part is you couldn't really blame them.

what i really love the most in this series was the gods, the pantheon. they are the most interesting in my opinion. i loved reading them so much. 

i actually didn't cry throughout the book because of grief. frustration yes, but grief? i feel like kuang's writing wouldn't let me grieve a bit. instead, there's emptiness. there's so much happening you would only realize a character dies after you turn the next page (i am talking about the cike, esp ramsa)

i wanna talk about this book's colonialism but i don't really have enough knowledge for this. might do some research.