We've been talking for less than five minutes and I already want to stick his pencil up his nose.

I step forward like a deer stepping in front of another deer in the mistaken belief it's immune to being hit by cars.

Jonathan recoils slightly. "That is..." Being nice doesn't come easy to Jonathan Forest, but being nice about Gollum doesn't come easy to anybody. "an interesting-looking pet," he finishes.

Jonathan's face is absolutely thunderous. It's like he wants to fire everyone in the room but can't because they're his family and that's not how it works.

I find him in pets looking at cat treats. And when he spots me, he gets this expression on his face like I caught him with porn.

"I know you're being sarcastic, but I do. I do see you."
He folds his arms, leaning slightly away from me. "And what is it you think you see?"
"I see someone driven and ambitious who's been told those are bad things when they're not. I see someone who cares but doesn't know how to show it. I see someone who thinks he's got to be alone, so he pretends it's a choice." I stand up before he can object or reply or anything. "Also, you're surprisingly good with cats."

"You've come into my life like a beam of very annoying sunshine. You talk so much that I miss it when you're not. You try to fix things I didn't even realise were broken. You have a dreadful sense of humour to which I've somehow become habituated. You care about people so effortlessly it makes me able to put up with them. And then you kissed me and now I..." He lets his head slip further down into his hands. "...I don't know how I'm supposed to go the rest of my life without being kissed by you again."

"I don't want it if I can't have it with you."

"Yeah."
"Good."
We both continue to be shit at telephones.
"So, I suppose..." he tries.
We both continue to be extremely shit at telephones.

"How tiny?"
I put my fingers about half a centimetre apart.
"I'm not sure that's medically useful."
I inch them slightly further apart.
"Still not."
Giving up the fingers method as a bad job, I explain using my mouth words.