content warnings: homophobia, transphobia, bullying, parental abandonment, domestic violence, underage drinking, vomitting
representation: Black sapphic questioning protagonist, Black trans main character, biracial (white-Japanese) sapphic side character, interracial f/f main relationship, Black main and side characters

“But I told myself if I could just get past my house and hammock without being sucked in by the guaranteed comfort, something else might be waiting for me on the other side, something that might color me outside the lines and flow into other parts of my life.”

This book as a whole isn't perfect, but good lord, that ending definitely was.

This is a book about Nima, a Black seventeen year-old living in a pretty small town who is questioning her sexuality. Only days after confessing her love for her female best friend and getting rejected, she accidentally attends a drag show and becomes entranced by the world. While she begins discovering herself through the world of drag, she's also trying to maintain her relationship with her best friend who doesn't seem to fit into her new world, as well as still dealing with her mother abandoning her and her father years earlier.

Without question, this is easily one of the most heartfelt books I've ever read. You can tell that the author has a history in the world of drag because everything is so specific in an incredibly lived-in way. One of the great joys of this book is getting to see this world through Nima's eyes as she's equally mystified and terrified of it. The number one thing that makes even the most anxiety-inducing moments of this book feel comfortable is the presence of my new favourite character, Deirdre.

Nima is standing in line for the drag show, and Deirdre immediately clocks her as a newbie and decides to befriend her. Deirdre guides Nima through this world with so much love despite barely knowing her, and I fell head over heels in love with her instantly. She's so full of love and warmth in a way that you can feel through the book, and when she hugs Nima it feels as though she's hugging you. She's also so empathetic, which is incredibly important when you get to the character of Gordon.

Gordon is a character who could just be a massive cliché: he's a guy who bullies Nima, specifically with homophobic slurs, who was raised by an abusive homophobe and maybe isn't as cishet as he seems. This is a character we've seen gone wrong so many times, but Tanya Boteju has just as much empathy for the character as Deirdre does while never forgiving him for what he's done.

Where this book started to drag for me was the romance. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't bad, it just didn't excite me. Nima starts having a thing with Winnow, a drag king she sees at her first drag show. In a book filled with such well-drawn characters, Winnow comes across as very two-dimensional, something which really sticks out during a portion of the book where Nima is hanging out with her and her friends. Ultimately, I think I liked what Nima's relationship with Winnow represented more than I like what it was.

But another subplot that I adored was the one about Nima and her mother. Her relationship with her dad is really great but there's been something different ever since her mother left them. Over the course of the book we discover more about Nima's mother and what her reasons for leaving might have been, and I loved every second of it. While this book is specifically about a teenager coming of age and discovering themselves, it still focuses on adult's discovering themselves in ways that aren't always good or healthy but are still valid nonetheless. By the end of the book, even though she's gotten some answers, Nima's relationship with her mother is very unresolved. This is something that will frustrate some readers but I thought was perfect. Everything about this book feels incredibly realistic and I think that having the storyline with her mother wrapped up neatly by the end would have destroyed that.

I'm not going to go into details about the ending because I think it's something that you should experience for yourself, but God, it was so amazing. Even with some plot threads left hanging, it's still so satisfying because the whole book has been focused around Nima and her journey. While her journey is definitely not over yet, the end of the book signifies a major milestone in it, which I think is even better.

This is a book that touched me in a way I wasn't expecting. I read it through audiobook which I definitely think was the way to go because it meant that the clunkier moments didn't register and instead I was completely focused on the emotions of the story. I can't wait to read more from Tanya Boteju, especially because her next book looks like it's going to be Whip It but actually gay.