Written in China’s Spring and Autumn Period, Sun Tzu’s military treatise The Art of War is chock full of splendid advice that is applicable to so many modern-day situations. It’s more of a how-to guide really.

“All warfare is based on deception.” This is definitely true, especially with Karen from finance in my office. That jerk never reloads the printer and keeps eating my clearly marked yogurt in the breakroom fridge. I even leant her my pen once, the cute purple ballpoint one, and she never gave it back. The purple one! Her incessant deceptions never cease to amaze me, and call for new tactical approaches.

“Bring war material with you from home, but forage on the enemy.” So back to my yogurt situation; I can only imagine Sun Tzu had his own Karen from finance stealing his yogurt, so he makes a good point here. Fight yogurt stealing with yogurt stealing; I clearly should start passive aggressively stealing her yogurt. Bring more office supplies to replenish my own (RIP purple pen), take the enemy’s lunch, this course of action will surely flip the script.

But it can’t end here. Oh no, the book sure doesn't. “Force him to reveal himself so as to find out his vulnerable spots.” After careful observation, I have found that Karen does not like the color pink and strawberry flavored scents. So I have begun switching out her pens for pink ones, and her stickers for strawberry scratch and sniff ones, a little at a time. I do believe my cunning is starting to wear on her psyche, because she is now convinced that the office is haunted.

“Rapidity is the essence of war: take advantage of the enemy's unreadiness, make your way by unexpected routes, and attack unguarded spots.” In addition to the pink pens, I have started stealthily sticking pink post-it notes on her chair, monitor, and in little crevices around her cubicle. The real tour de force was when I left a pink post-it on a strawberry yogurt labeled “Karen” in the shared fridge, written in pink ink of course.

“On ground of intersecting highways, I would consolidate my alliances.” I have since found out that Mark from accounting and Lisa from maintenance ALSO are having their clearly marked food taken from the office breakroom. I told them of Karen’s wickedness, and they too have entered the fold. We can now take turns leaving pink post-it notes on her monitor. Progress!

“Knowledge of the enemy's dispositions can only be obtained from other men.” Of all tactics employed thus far, Sun Tzu was truly transcendent in his forethought on the importance of spies. Mark from accounting has courageously volunteered to have lunch with Karen to discuss office matters, a ruse to further plan our next course of attack.

“Be subtle! be subtle! and use your spies for every kind of business.” Sun Tzu really should have put this at the front of his how-to guide. After actually talking with Karen, Mark has uncovered that Howard from resources has mistakenly been emptying out the fridge of our food, confusing Wednesdays for fridge cleaning days, and is deeply remorseful. Also, Karen uses the printer on the other end of the office, so she is not actually the one leaving it empty. Karen has since approached me bewildered as to why I didn’t just “talk to her like an adult.”

Well… Back to the drawing board!

Disclaimer: This is a bit of (questionable) satire. If you have an office dispute, just talk it out like a couple of human beings. But if that fails, then of course proceed with this brilliant, fool-proof plan that totally won’t backfire on you in any way, shape, or form. Do it for your purple pen!