Book safety, content warnings, and tropes down below.

You’ve heard of 40 Year-Old Virgin. I now present to you: 250 Year-Old Virgin.

When they were alone at home, he would jump onto his tiptoes, wrap his arms around Alexei’s neck, and insist on being carried around the house.

I love Johann with all my heart. It’s the first book I ever read in the series way back, and it’s still my favorite after multiple rereads, and now after listening to the audiobook.

Johann is touch starved, and pretty much everything-else-starved as well, after living for over two centuries as the companion of another (controlling) vampire. He’s the type that stops and looks at the flowers, the stars, the falling snow. He thinks humans are the nicest, and that his friends are the bestest. His love language is every type of love language, twice a day. He and Alexei are pretty disgustingly cute, but I can’t get enough of it. Johann wears cozy, fuzzy, brightly colored clothes that don’t match in the slightest, just because they’re so nice and comfy.

Jay’s tongue darted out, wetting his lips. “You want to, um, show me sex stuff?” Alexei let out a long, slow breath. “Yes. I would very much like to show you sex stuff, if you like.”

I swear his entire character is like a drug to me. So heckin’ cute, I can’t stand it. Alexei is a pretty cold and badass former mobster, but he becomes a puddle of goo at Johann’s feet.

“Jaybird, what have I told you about arriving fashionably late?” “That I’m terrible at it because I’m too eager for everything all the time.” “Exactly,” Soren said, but he gave Jay a kiss on the cheek anyway, which was unexpected and extra nice.

⬇️ Blanket spoiler warning ⬇️

⚠️ Tropes & tags ⚠️
Vampire/human
Fated mates
Cinnamon roll vampire
Petite MC
Virgin MC
Size difference
Lonely MC
Grumpy/sunshine
Former mobster
Praise kink
Touch starved MC
Codependency
Pillow princess

⚠️ Content warning ⚠️
Blood consumption
Graphic violence
Bad guy side character decapitated (on page)
Trauma from past manipulation and controlling ‘partnership’
Alcohol consumption (four units)
Brief mention of parent death (past, off page)
MC being turned into a vampire against his will (past)
MC killed and turned into a vampire (not by other MC)
Brief mentions of child abandonment
Emotional manipulation by parent (past)
Explicit sexual content
Past abuse (parent)

⚠️Book safety ⚠️
Cheating: No
Other person drama: No
Breakup: No
POV: 3rd person, dual
Genre: Paranormal romance
Pairing: M/M
Strict roles or versatile: Strict roles
Main characters’ age: 35 and 250 (turned at 19)
Series: Interconnected standalone
Kindle Unlimited: Yes
Pages: 263


There was a little guy at the counter, dressed in a truly hideous sweatshirt, and he was waving at Alexei with surprising gusto.

“But you always smell so sweet. Like one of our vanilla cupcakes. Are you sure you haven’t been baking?” Alexei had never heard such a blatant fucking pickup line in his life. Or so one would think. But that was the thing. The incredible, mind-melting frustration of it all. It wasn’t a pickup line. Jay had said it and then just… skipped away, unbothered and completely unembarrassed by his words. And, to be fair, Alexei had also once overheard Jay compliment his fucking cash register for opening “so smoothly and quietly.” He also greeted every canine guest in the café like visiting royalty, waving and beaming and handing out dog treats like Oprah giving away a free car.

But Jay didn’t seem too impressed with money or prestige, as far as Alexei could tell. He’d seen, just the other day, a suited customer trying to show off his Rolex, and Jay had countered with his own glow-in-the-dark waterproof number, of which he was apparently incredibly proud.

Double entendres and coded messages weren’t quite his things. So he went with saying exactly what he was thinking. “I want to try mouth stuff with you.”



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