Just like the jolly rotund man in a red suit every December 24th, you can always count on Carlton Mellick to deliver. The cover is out of control and the plot is even more ridiculous... but with all of Mellick's work, you can always expect EVEN more jaw-dropping moments and characters. But when I realized there was a bizarro Christmas story... I could not say no! Just what happens when Frosty steals Santa's sack? Is Christmas ruined?!

"Santa isn't the jolly old elf as portrayed in children's stories. He's a bit more grotesque than that. His eyes are pimento-stuffed olives, his teeth are walnuts, and his body is made of sausages." And don't worry... the book definitely explains how Santa came to be a lumpy sack of sausages.

Okay, so that we expect based on the synopsis. But who is this bondage and kinked up woman on the cover? Oh, that's just Decapitron... the wife to Fry and mother of his children (one who has chainsaw angel wings and another who has a fist-sized deformity growing out of her face that she wants to connect to a computer) who moonlights a couple times a year as an assassin-esque kickboxer who decapitates her victims and brings in ALL the money. She also has many kinks in her closet including different roleplaying. You will learn to love her, I promise. Even through the end when she turns INTO an actual Transformer and falls for Burt Reynolds Elf. Yep.

But the rest of the book is just as amazing if not more. It is full of killer snowmen and there is an evil Frosty that was created from sucking the hate out of Santa and filling up bathtubs of coffee-like liquid. He has his own minions of pain, the F.N.S.A. aka Frosty's Nazi Satany Army. And then there are all these lightning sea creatures and flaming husks?! A chain reaction of exploding reindeer? The book is also full of little elves... and apparently all elves are ginormous nymphos. Let's not forget the HYPERSEX PANTIES?!?!? And we also should not get started on the "cabbage skin suit" OR the culmination of a makeshift Jack-in-the-Box comprised of body parts all frozen together.

I can't make this stuff up! But Carlton Mellick sure as hell can... and he does it so wonderfully and hilariously in this story! A new holiday classic for the ages!