Whew! This book. Where to start, where to start. I gave it four stars because although it was beautifully written and the subject matter was interesting. It just left me with a weird feeling in my body. I’m not exactly sure how to describe it. I guess, uneasy would be the closest I can come. There’s nothing I would change. I think it’s honestly just a really hard book to read.

The main character just… frustrated me honestly. Which made the book interesting. If I hadn’t been reading on my iPad I definitely would have thrown it a few times. Just because of the decisions she makes. I kept finding myself saying out loud, “Girl make better choices!” But that is more like reality and the true struggles of people. I think it angered me so much because it reminded me of myself. This book and its main character are really an exercise in self-reflection. At least in my opinion. Watching her hurt others and self-destruct while still not being able to stop her is very difficult. It’s definitely what made this book such a hard read. I kept feeling as though I was a ghost in her world. Observing her hurtful actions and understanding why she did them and still never being able to stop her. I had to sit on this book for a few days before even writing the review because I was so unnerved by its protagonist.

The plot itself would have been a smidge lackluster, however, without the main character. I did really enjoy the non-linear format. Although I can’t tell if it added to the plot or if it was there to distract from a not-great plot. I think it really depends on the individual reader to make that choice for themselves. It really can go either way depending on your own perception. I, personally, am rather neutral on it. I think in some places it gave a lot of important background to the story without having to info dump. Which really switched up the pace and kept me interested. Versus other times when it seemed to be rather frivolous. Unnecessarily added in to make a word count. Or ramble on about an experience or memory that didn’t add much. What made the book though, in my opinion, was the overlapping of her struggles with religion/culture, family and her sexuality. In most stories like this the plot only really focuses on the characters sexuality, as though it exist in a vaccum. But nothing truly does and this book is an exercise in that. Everything in her life is connected in some way. And getting to view it through a lens and perspective I otherwise would not have access to was illuminating. I do like the ending too. I didn’t expect it which really pulled the whole book together for me. Props for the ending.

All in all, I recommend reading this book at least once. I rented mine as an ebook from my local library but I know buying it second hand is really cost-efficient too. And I think it is an important read. The layers and complexity of what the protagonist is going through are nuanced. Her intersectionality adds something to her character that is often missing in contemporary fiction. In a genre of one-dimensional upper-middle-class white women, this book stands out in a good way. Happy reading!