This book is about so much. A lie that went to far, loneliness, the ability to hide the truth from everyone, including yourself.

I picked up this book because my child and their friends are completely enthralled with the musical. And we are going to see it in March. I have listened to the music, so I figured I would pick this up so I knew what was going on.

About halfway through the book I was extremely pissed off at the story. The lies Evan told and how they kept growing. He seemed to want to stop, but didn't. He inserted himself fully into the Murphy's lives. And then to top it off he ends up dating Zoe. Evan didn't even tone it down when people kept saying that he was Connor's best friend. And while the lies led to something good--The Connor Project, and the fundraising for the orchard, it still left me with a pit in my stomach that everything was based on lies and what would happen when the truth came out, if it came out at all.

I really couldn't see how people could be so in love with it. But..... knowing that people were so in love with it, I knew there had to be more. So I kept on. I also talked about this book with my kid, who has not read it. There are some differences from the script-I found that interesting.

******Big spoiler alert********

Connor is in this book!!! and he discusses why he committed suicide. Which I found was oddly missing from the rest of the narrative. To have Connor's story was amazing. Having him there as a "ghostly" presence, watching and commenting on the farce, was a wonderful addition to the narrative. We get his reactions, thoughts, and truths.

*********
So yes, I continued on and things did come full circle. I am glad that it was Evan himself that finally told the truth. The Murphy's reaction was interesting, but also completely believable. They didn't out Evan about his lies? At first I was surprised, but then the more I thought about it, it probably would have caused them more pain and suffering. In addition, I like to believe that they realized that Evan had his own pain and suffering, and that this was his way of reaching out to the world. Mixed in with a little bit of hope that maybe some of those lies had some truth that they could hold onto about Connor, they let it go.

So after my initial anger, I reflect back to all the themes in this book and realize how relatable it is, and how my perspective-- as a parent, as family member of someone who committed suicide, as an adult-- alters this story read for me vs a teenager. There is hope in this story, there is redemption for making mistakes, there is the reality that all your shit might not be all that different from everyone/anyone else's shit-- and that "you are not alone".

Did I end up hating this book--No. Did it incite anger? yes But then the depth and the meat of the story comes in, and it knocked me off my feet. And isn't that what a good book does--makes you think and feel more?