(Jan 2019 pick for Dragons & Tea Book Club.)

Before I get into it: I was not the right reader for this book. So many other people loved it, and I do genuinely believe this book could potentially be a lifeline for a young person who finds themself in any kind of comparable situation. But it could just as easily be devastating for that same vulnerable young person, so please, please be aware of the content warnings and your own mental state.

content warnings:

Spoiler

parental neglect (physical and emotional), arson, violence, sexual content, mental illness: hallucinations (peduncular hallucinosis, or degenerative hallucinatory disorder), psychological codependency, severe anxiety (panic attacks), pyromania

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So. I actually can't remember the last time any book made me so angry. Which one might argue shows that this book achieved some kind of purpose, but I strongly disagree with the execution. That said, I'll try to keep this relatively brief because one of my resolutions for 2019 was to stop giving so much attention and energy and time to things that are not good for my mental health. (I did consider stepping away before writing this review, but I think I need to just let it all out so I can let go of it for good.)

I remember thinking at several points that I should just DNF and be done with it — but I persevered because it was a book club pick. (This is not me casting blame. It is an explanation of why I kept reading even though, or perhaps because, I was honestly baffled by whatever everyone else saw in this book and I was clearly missing.) Now I wish I had followed that instinct, because for most of the book I just felt disconnected. From the characters, from the "Bridge to Terabithia but darker"-style imaginings, from the awkward dialogue and short chapters in which very little happens. I couldn't get any kind of read on August or Jack or any of the minor characters, so perhaps this was a doomed endeavor from the start.

Let's talk about the ending, because that was the point at which I wanted to throw my Kindle across the room. Since reading [b:Everything, Everything|18692431|Everything, Everything|Nicola Yoon|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1450515891s/18692431.jpg|26540216], I've been more than wary of narratives that resolve in

Spoiler

a major illness/disorder/medical condition that is quickly and neatly fixed

. (Though, I thought for a second that we were getting a

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"Jack is actually a figment of August's imagination and actually August is the one with hallucinations"

twist, and at least we didn't?) Actually, everything that happens in the hospital infuriates me — especially the scene in which Dr. Cho tells August that

Spoiler

he needs to be the "responsible" one because he's "not actually dealing with a serious mental illness. [He's] a bit obsessive, codependent, and clearly possess a terrible sense of judgment. But [...] not criminally insane"

, because I absolutely cannot wrap my head around a licensed psychologist saying this to a patient during a session. As a healthcare major and someone who has been through years of therapy, everything about the oblivious and unprofessional (if supposedly well-meaning) asylum staff pisses me off.

One could understandably argue that in this case all the above re: the hospital just enhances the tragedy because it drives home just how thoroughly all the adults in August's and Jack's lives failed them, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Because apparently, based on my understanding of the author's note, the premise of this book and the root of all problems is that all the authority figures in August's and Jack's lives thoroughly and repeatedly failed them, and therefore the "young people" may have made highly questionable decisions but did absolutely nothing wrong — because evidently

Spoiler

dealing drugs in school, setting fire to a book in a school parking lot, and burning down an old factory, abandoned or not,

are all justifiable if you have no parental figures or support system outside of your best friend in your life. Never mind all the times August recognizes that his relationship with Jack is unhealthy, "probably abusive/toxic," and promptly and deliberately decides to ignore it, or all the times the twins try to intervene, or all the times Alex or Rina expresses concern and is brushed off. Related: the minor characters get a brutally raw deal here. (On a side note, I'm not sure whether Rina is supposed to be considered an adult or a "young person" in this narrative, but since apparently

Spoiler

she ends up in a poly relationship with the boys

after the book ends, I'm leaning towards the latter.)

Allegedly, this book has good representation for mental illness, questioning & bisexual & poly characters, and even a D/s relationship. I personally didn't get any of that, but I can see why someone else might (YMMV).

So yeah. If you're still reading this, don't let me scare you away from what might become your next favorite book. But don't say I didn't warn you.