4.0

i've been holding out since yesterday on writing this, because i want to make it justice.
this is not your average youtube book.
"They learned that there was much pain in the world, not just their own. And they learned that there was also much Joy. It wasn't that Life had selected their family to suffer, but rather that in Life there is both Suffering and Joy."
I canNOT, for the life of me, comprehend how the fuck they gave it the synopsis they did. The "silly and fun youtuber shenanigans turned memoir" synopsis.
Getting this out of the way: the writing was very nice, although some parts more than others. She had training (college) to help it and you learn she wanted to write a book; and you can tell.
Buffering is an astoundingly emotionally raw account of Hannah's life. As in, when you read something so heart-wrenching that your body freezes - i stop breathing and close my eyes, trying to reckon with the Suffering in this world.
While same chapters are silly, joy and suffering seem intertwined, or a moment of Joy can easily lead to a moment of Suffering or vice-versa. Her own comedy career comes from a friend's struggle with depression; her fun Burning Man leads to a breakdown showcasing the underdeveloped (due to childhood trauma).
Hannah's tale of her mom's schizophrenia, and the long-lasting effects it had on everything on her life are devastating. When you think you've read the worst of it, there's always something more. It also entails her struggles with religion and her sexuality, which come from the other side of her family - her dad being a Jehova's Witness. But all accounts are done seriously, and you can tell she measured what she thought relevant to share with others and what would do more harm than good.
If you follow her online, she drops some youtube names along the way, although while i sometimes see youtubers gushing about their friends and how it was love at first sight, Hannah exposes the ill-fitting pieces - always the Joy and the Suffering together.
I will say Joy & Suffering isn't the highest lesson of this book. Hannah's center stone, the final message, is that the system is broken. That is, yes, both joy and suffering exist, but trauma is not suffering, and it should be avoided not remedied.
in a gay note (both the happy and the gay kind!) she says "Still not married!" (p.95); earlier the same day i read that, i saw her on instagram stories shopping for her wedding clothes :')