Book Eight, and Harris can’t even get past the first line of the “Previously in this Series” summary before annoying me with her inaccuracy and stupidity. She begins:

“If this was The Lord of the Rings and I had a smart British voice like Cate Blanchett, I could tell you the background of the events of that fall in a really suspenseful way.”

This annoys me for three reasons:
1. Cate Blanchett doesn’t have a British voice. She is Australian.
2. There is no such thing as a British accent. Britain is made up of 3 countries (More if she means the British Isles). Each of these countries has many different accents associated with them. The fact that Sookie either negates Wales and Scotland or conflates them with England is racially and socially ignorant. The fact that she imagines that everyone (or indeed anyone) in England speaks like Galadriel in Lord of the Rings is ridiculous.
3. Speaking with any of the accents originating from Britain does not make you automatically sound smart. Not unless the person listening to you is as much of an irredeemable idiot as Sookie Stackhouse.

With a beginning this bad, the chances that Harris had suddenly developed some writing talent, or that Sookie had become a less appalling character, were slim. And indeed, this is yet another terrible book to add to the Stackhouse mound.

It commences in possibly the most boring way possible, with a long and details description of a wedding. Apparently it’s an Episcopalian wedding, but since I am nowhere near as interested in Christian denominations as Harris’ assumes, I have no idea what this means or why I should care. At any rate, said wedding is massively dull. It does however give Sookie a chance to re-describe every character in the series once again, including the compulsory mention of Sam’s “halo of strawberry blond hair” , which she has somewhat of an obsession with. She also has another opportunity to display herself as the woman-hating bitch she is, when her ex-boyfriend Bill makes some tacky gesticulation in her direction to indicate that she is still in his heart, or some such mush. This she finds very romantic, despite the fact that his current girlfriend, Selah is sat next to him at the time. Selah’s feelings on the matter go unrecorded.

A few pages later Bill creeps up on Sookie whilst she is getting undressed and declares that he would love to sleep with her again. She is mildly annoyed at this voyeurism, but since being called fuckable is the greatest compliment possible for Sookie, she forgives him. To be fair, by this point Sookie has been repeatedly sexually harassed by all her soon-to-be-, current and ex-boyfriends to a point where this sort of incident must seem rather minor to her. She seems much more annoyed at Selah’s temerity in asking her about this episode than she does the matter itself, and certainly neither shows her any sympathy or evinces any interest in her situation. This is because Sookie has absolutely no fellow-feeling with women whatsoever and the only emotion they inspire in her is jealousy.

Sookie’s problems with other women, prominent throughout all the books in this series, reach a previously unmanaged level of vileness in this volume. During a meeting with her previously absent great-grandfather Sookie is led to give a slight amount of thought (which is the most she can manage in any case) to her most recent ancestors. She recalls some problems in her relationship with her mother, adds this to the new information that her father was ¼ fairy, and concludes that obviously her relationship with her mother, who died when Sookie was seven, was strained because her mother was obsessed with her husband, Sookie’s father, and thus felt sexual jealousy toward her young daughter regarding him. Personally I would have at least considered the fact that Sookie’s mother would have been coping with a child who exhibited unexplained supernatural powers, which could have contributed to her difficulty dealing with her daughter. But not Sookie. Sookie’s mother didn’t adore her. Sookie’s mother was a woman. Ergo, Sookie’s mother was a bitch who was jealous of Sookie QED.

If this damning indictment of her own mother and females in general wasn’t enough, Sookie, learning of her grandmother having born children to a man other than her husband, then proceeds to make one of the most disgusting statements I have ever had the misfortune to read:

“He raped her,” I said, almost hoping it was so. My grandmother had been the most true‐blue woman I’d ever met. I couldn’t picture her cheating anyone out of anything, particularly since she’d promised in front of God to be faithful to my grandfather.

Apparently Sookie would rather think that her beloved grandmother, the woman who raised her and cared for her before being brutally murdered, was raped on at least two occasions and almost certainly more over a period of several years, rather than have her morality offended by the thought of her grandmother committing an infidelity. This is what passes for Christian sensibility in Sookie’s neck of the woods.

This is not the first time by any means that Harris has made light of rape, but previously I was able to temper my repulsion somewhat with the hope that she spoke in ignorance alone. However in light of these remarks I am forced to assume that she is in fact a contemptible, narrow-minded, judgemental bitch. There’s certainly plenty of corroborating evidence for this assumption in each and every one of these awful books.

After discussing such a serious and offensive matter my usual glib criticism seems rather shallow. But since Harris has worked so hard to earn my animosity so fully, I shall continue with the denigration she so richly deserves.

The plot seems even weaker than usual, although perhaps that’s only due to it beginning to wear out through overuse. Once again Sookie is harassed, sexually and generally, by a variety of characters. The plot combines the mystery of her missing boyfriend, which goes nowhere, with the mystery of yet another random spate of werewolf attacks, which meanders through the first half of the book in constant danger of petering out. These plots eventually lead to yet another supernatural battle or incredible dullness. Meanwhile we hear a lot more about Sookie’s prowess at cleaning houses and her more limited culinary abilities, which is obviously fascinating. There’s also a spate of boyfriends and ex-boyfriends letting themselves into Sookie’s bedroom, often whilst she’s asleep. For some reason she’s not even slightly perturbed by this obsessive stalker behaviour. In other random events, Sookie confesses to murder several times to random friends and acquaintances, all of whom are similarly unperturbed, and the parents of Sookie’s murder victim suddenly turn out to have died together in a car accident, thereby allowing a boring plot from several books back to proceed. This is partially resolved when Sookie deals with a woman with whom she has a slight disagreement by having said woman’s current boyfriend (an ex love-interest of Sookie) kidnap her, and helping two witches to erase her mind of all thoughts that Sookie doesn’t like. This seems like the actions of a crazy, self-obsessed bitch to me, but as none of the characters other than the girl herself share my view the mind and character alteration proceeds. After this Sookie participates in catching her brother’s pregnant girlfriend cheating on him. Meanwhile Sookie’s flatmate has a brief lesbian relationship with Pam the vampire before deciding “Pam and I are more buddies than honeys” as soon as a man shows a sexual interest in her; this homophobic dismissal oddly earns her no apparent animosity from Pam, although it does save Harris from having to describe anything other than a heterosexual relationship. Then there is a random vampire-related attack which makes very little sense. Finally, Sookie decides to visit her long-lost nephew for some reason. This accomplished, the book ends. None of the various plot-strands are tied together, or at any point rendered interesting.


Stupidest New Character Names
Hamilton Tharp
Copley Carmichael
Octavia Fant
Remy Savoy
Niall Brigant
Corbett Hale Stackhouse
Police Chief Parfit Graham
Tyrese Marley
Dove Beck
Hunter Savoy


Most Worrying Inconsistency
Hoyt Fortenberry was previously described as Maxine Fortenberry’s grandson. He is now described as her son. There are three possible explanations for this:
1. The Fortenberry family is more inbred than I was previously aware.
2. Harris has been watching True Blood.
3. Harris is an idiot.


Most Unremarked-Upon Small-Minded Evangelism
Maxine Fortenberry on her son(?)’s new girlfriend:

“Holly’s not much of a churchgoer, but we’re working on getting her to come with us and bring Cody. We better get moving if we’re gonna be on time.”

Or alternatively you could just leave the poor girl alone to practice her own religion or not as she sees fit. Although I suppose you can’t expect any better from a town whose inhabitants use the metaphor “about as welcoming as a church lady forced to entertain an atheist.”


Least Erotic and Most Badly Written Instance of Faux-Naïve Grotesquery

“Eric took my hand as we walked across to the restaurant, and he ran his thumb absently across my palm. I was surprised to find out there was a direct line from my palm to my, my, hootchie.”

If you ever need evidence that Charlaine Harris is an appalling writer, this quote should cover it. The worst part, if I can possibly isolate an individual element from the overall horror, is the coy little stammer as Sookie can’t bring herself to say a rude word.


Stupidest Death
Sookie is attacked two or three times a book by ciphers, in a vain attempt to add some tension to the plot. After these attacks Harris routinely disposes of the attackers in a variety of contrived ways in order to avoid straining herself by having to create any more characters or provide them with any motivation. The methods of dispatch are usually any that absolve Sookie from moral blame, such as death by a nearby supernatural or death by accidentally throwing themselves on a stake Sookie is holding. However this book features a particularly poor effort. Sookie and an innocent bystander are attacked in a library. Sookie throws a book at the threatening assailant, trips him up, and he promptly accidentally falls on his own knife and dies instantaneously. Now, I’m not expecting a great deal of medical accuracy in these books, but I would like to know what type of wound Harris thinks an adult male is likely receive from falling on his own knife that would kill him so rapidly. I’m beginning to think “attacking Sookie Stackhouse” is a valid cause of death in Bon Temps.


Worst Personalised License Plate Owned by a Vampire
BLDSKR


Most Unreasonable Break-Up
Sookie, after finding out about her boyfriend’s mentally ill mother.

““So you’re breaking up with me because of my mother,” he said. He sounded bitter and I didn’t blame him.
“Yes,” I said after a moment’s inner testing of my own resolve. “I think I am. It’s not your mom as much as her whole situation. Your mother will always have to come first as long as she’s alive, because she’s so damaged. I’ve got sympathy for that, believe me. And I’m sorry that you and Frannie have a hard row to hoe. I know all about hard rows.”
…
“Yet, knowing all this, and knowing I care for you, you don’t want to see me anymore,” Quinn said, biting each word out. “You don’t want to try to make it work.”
“I care for you, too, and I had hoped we’d have a lot more,” I said. “But … your mom and Frannie , they’re . . . dependent. They have to have you. They’ll always come first.” I stopped for a moment, biting the inside of my cheek. This was the hardest part. “I want to be first. I know that’s selfish, and maybe unattainable, and maybe shallow. But I just want to come first with someone. If that’s wrong of me, so be it. I’ll be wrong. But that’s the way I feel.”
“Then there’s nothing left to talk about,” Quinn said …
I felt like a bad person. I felt miserable and bereft. I felt like a selfish bitch.”

That, Sookie, is because you are a selfish bitch.
I particularly like the part where she tries to milk the situation for her own benefit. “I know all about hard rows.”. Not really the time or person to play for sympathy, Sookie. Particularly when you yourself as good as admit that you’re dumping Quinn because you’ve got a better offer from rich and powerful vampire Eric. From whom you’re receiving gifts about half a dozen lines later, like the classy independent woman you are.


Most Ridiculous Concept

“the Elvis Undead Revue with all‐vamp Elvis tribute artists.”

Most Simultaneously Cruel and Nonsensical Insult

Sookie to Jason’s wife Crsytal, in response to catching her sleeping with another man:

“I said the worst thing I could think of. “No wonder you lose all your babies.””

Most Unnecessary Assault
Sookie breaks a friend’s fingers with a brick because some were-panthers told her to. Later she demands sympathy for having undergone this trauma. Any sympathy received by the injured friend goes unrecorded.


Most Clear Admission of Being a Self-Obsessed Manipulative Drama Queen

“This was totally unfair. I’d expected tons of sympathy when I finally confessed the reason for my bad mood. But now Sam and Eric were so wrapped up in being irritated with each other that neither one of them was giving me a moment’s thought”

Worst Self-Invented Phrase

” This was definitely an Oh, shit! moment. (An OSM, as I called them to myself .)”

Stupidest Patriotic Statement

” “I did an awkward sort of dip in the king’s direction (American! Not used to bowing!)”

I assume that Sookie means since she is a citizen of America, the absolute gosh-darned best and most free country in the world, she herself has no monarch or aristocracy to bow to. I understand that Harris likes to point out how brilliant the USA is at least once a book, but this doesn’t make a lot of sense. Most citizens of monarchies are not “used to bowing”, as they usually don’t meet said monarch on a day to day basis. I myself have the misfortune to be a citizen of a country which still ascribes to the outdated notion of a monarchy, and I resent the assumption that because I wasn’t born in the “Land of the Free” I must be used to servility and self-humiliating gestures.

Most Unlikely Hostage Situation

Siebert the Vampire simultaneously capturing Sheriff Eric, new king Felipe de Castro and Sam the bartender. Leaving aside the poor effort of the two supposedly powerful vampires I would like to have an explanation for the capture of Sam. Unfortunately the only details we are given is :Sam had been tied to the bumper of his own truck somehow., which isn’t massively descriptive. But whatever the details I feel one very salient point is being ignored. Sam is a shifter. He can shift into any animal he likes. So surely he would shift into a mouse and crawl out of his bonds, or a mountain bear and tear them apart, or something of the sort? No. He just stands there until Sookie saves him, doing absolutely nothing.


Eventually the series of random events masquerading as a novel simply stops, without conclusion or cliff-hanger. I presume Harris simply got bored. So did I. Sadly, somewhat earlier than she did.