Wow. I just. Don't have the words. Masterful. I knew it was going to be good, but I don't think I knew how powerful this book was going to be. It will stay with me forever. I know why it took the author decades to write. And the writing was just perfection - haunting, vivid, perfectly paced. It was the biggest emotional rollercoaster I've read in a while and I could physically feel my chest hurt during some of the parts. I was left feeling bereft and honestly infuriated (there was a lot of muttering and cursing outloud as I read).

There are so many things to address in this book, but I don't have the bandwidth to do it justice and also don't want to spoil anything. But I now know why my dad, who was drafted and serviced in Vietnam, has never ever talked about it (and he is a big storyteller). Which is a stark difference from the other members of my family who have talked about their military service. The Vietnam War is something that was almost casually mentioned, probably in a sentence or 2 in my history classes (after months and months on all the world wars, civil war). I have never read historical fiction on it, but I do know vaguely about it and the protests (burning draft cards, etc). But in this book you are IN IT. You are seeing the horrors of "modern" warfare that make it feel SO much worse somehow than the world wars (maybe because it was such a big mistake to start and such a slog that continued). Somehow it feels way closer to the present.

I had no idea the way veterans were treated on their return. People who were DRAFTED aka forced to leave their lives and put themselves in grave danger. People who volunteered because they believed it was the right thing to do or just NEEDED to help those who were in such danger. I cannot imagine treating someone like that and cannot imagine coming home to that (the author makes you viscerally feel being in country and then ripped out of it). The whole thing is unimaginable and I see why it's not even really talked about now.

It's astonishing that PTSD wasn't even a "known" thing even then and the way veterans were told to let it go and get over it and why can't they just move on - and then are surprised by the high rate of suicide and addiction.

And the way the women were treated (which is mostly what had me yelling and so so mad). "No women in Nam" OMG every time I heard that I wanted to rage so I cannot begin to fathom how the women who were traumatized and VOLUNTEERED to put their lives on the line heard that and were treated. It's despicable and so moving and I am so glad this story was told.

Note: If you want to really bring the emotions up several notches, I highly recommend the audiobook and this book and story is now searing into me forever.