content warnings: loss of a loved one, suicide attempt, self-harm, intrusive thoughts, racism, sexism, homophobia, fatphobia, mentions of abortion, mentions of anti-abortion sentiments, infidelity, mentions of sexual assault, violence, animal slaughter (for eating purposes)
representation: fat mexican-american main character with depression and anxiety, side mexican and mexican-american characters, side gay mexican-american character

This book is raw, and real, and painful, and beautiful, and I still don't know if I like it or not. My feelings are complicated, to say the least.

The premise of this book is very simple: fifteen-year-old Julia's world is changed when her older sister, Olga, dies. Olga was seen as the perfect daughter, something Julia definitely isn't. But Julia starts to realise that maybe Olga wasn't as perfect as everyone thought and she tries to uncover more about her sisters' life, while also dealing with her grieving parents and school and her relationships and her mental health.

Because of my complicated feelings, I'm just going to make a pro/con list.

PROS
- As the whitest person alive (and an Australian) this book taught me so much about Mexican culture. The book isn't written in a way to make sure non-Mexican people understand; it just tugs you along for the ride and if you don't understand then that's your problem, and I loved that.
- Julia has a very complicated relationship with her mother that I think should be explored in YA more. They love each other, of course, but they never seem to be able to like each other no matter how hard they try. Despite this, there are some touching scenes between them, and their relationship does grow over the course of the book.
- Lorena and Julia's friendship was surprisingly very beautiful, and I loved their bonding moments as well.
- All the parts set in Mexico were incredible. First of all, Erika L. Sánchez describes it with so much care and attention that you feel like you're there: you feel as if you can hear, smell and see everything Julia is, and that's something I have to give credit for. It was also just a wonderful setting with interesting characters, and there was something so peaceful about reading those chapters.
- The mental health rep was so good! I'm not sure if this could be considered spoilers or not, but I'm going to hide some of it just in case you want to find things out in the moment without being told beforehand. But don't worry, none of these are major plot spoilers.

Spoiler

Julia has depression and anxiety, both of which are diagnosed. She goes to therapy, and the book represents both the good and bad of it, and she is prescribed medication which is never once stigmatised. She has good days, she has bad days, and neither take away or 'add legitimacy' to her mental illness. The author even added resources at the back of the book, which I love so much. Overall, I just thought it was handled really well.

CONS
- The characters are both unlikable and inconsistent, Julia in particular. Sometimes she's calling out sexism, racism, etc., and other times she's saying that someone is "flaming but has never officially come out of the closet". I understand that this is just adding depth to her and giving her flaws, which from a writing standpoint I get, but as a reader it just made me not like her for most of the book.
- The books treatment of the one gay character was not great. He's a complete stereotype ("So what do you like to do for fun? What is your idea of beauty?" "Shopping, partying, and... fucking."), and there's a real gem of a scene in which Julia gets accused of being homophobic and her response is "Seriously? How many times have we gone to the Pride Parade? Who introduced you to Rocky Horror Picture Show? And the L Word?" (she's not homophobic, for the record, that was just a really terrible way of defending herself)
- Despite being mentioned as important characters in the synopsis, Angie is in maybe three scenes at most in which she's super cryptic about Olga and then her final scene where she finally tells Julia everything, and Connor doesn't show up until about halfway through and is in the book pretty sporadically from there.
- Julia is an English nerd, as am I, but the way it was portrayed was the most annoying way possible. For one, she can be very stuck-up when it comes to people not using English correctly (saying yous, for example), which would be fine on its own. But she also comes across as a complete literature snob. This is an actual passage of text when she's asked what her favourite book is: "I love so many... The Awakening? One Hundred Days of Solitude? The Great Gatsby? Catcher in the Rye? The Heart is a Lonely Hunter? The Bluest Eye? Poetry or prose? If poetry, then maybe Emily Dickinson..." I think that's literally the English-lit major equivalent to Ready Player One. It reads like Erika L. Sánchez just googled "classics" and wrote a bunch down.
- The writing could be extremely choppy. A chapter would end with Julia wondering if she was going to be grounded for something, and then the next chapter would start an unmentioned amount of time later with her at school. It was very jarring and annoying.

So, yeah, I'm super conflicted. Some parts were four stars, some were two stars, so three seems like a good compromise. I am really excited to see what Erika L. Sánchez writes next.