To be perfectly honest, I wasn't expecting all that much from this book. I picked it up anyway because I was in need of an audiobook and I thought it might be interesting to hear about Sue Klebold's experiences as the mother of someone known for committing a mass shooting.

However, the longer I listened to this book, the more irritated I became by it. I don't really blame Klebold herself (for either the shooting or my irritation while reading this book), though. The majority of this book felt like she was explaining every single influence that led Dylan to the shooting- Eric's toxic relationship, mental health, guns, violent videogames and movies, bullies, etc. It was a very long list. And I didn't care. I would have been incredibly irritated by this book had it been written by anyone else, but honestly, I just can't bring myself to be irritated at her. I can't imagine how hard it is for her to live with her son's actions and of course she's grasping at straws to find any kind of reason. That's understandable. I'd probably feel the same way in her position. But it didn't make this book any more enjoyable to read.

A lot of what she was discussion, like the violent media influences and bullying, are mostly debunked today. I'd have been more forgiving if this book was from 2003 or something when videogames cause violence was a commonly held belief, but it came out in 2016. I had the misfortune of listening to her discussion on videogames with my boyfriend (who was literally playing a first person shooter during that hour) and had to keep pausing it for his rants and citing of studies that have actually suggested the opposite, that players of videogames are more empathetic. In 2019 (or 2020, as I'm writing this review) it's hard to take the "videogames cause violence" discussion seriously. And I briefly mentioned bullying, but I know there are a lot of questions over whether Dylan and Eric were bullied, were the bullies, or both. Sue Klebold went with both and I'm not sure I agree based on what I've read, but I dunno, I'd believe the same thing if it was my kid. Can't be mad at her for that.

As someone with a "brain health issue" (as she repeatedly called it, I much prefer the term mental health), I was quite irritated with how much of the book she spent discussing that as a reason why Dylan was the way he was. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and have struggled with it since childhood and I hate the narrative around mental health and mass shooters. Klebold points out that most people with mental health issues would never commit violence, but a small percentage do so it's important to talk about. But like, that's true of the percentage of the population without mental illness too. Most people without mental illness would never commit violence, but a small percentage do. So I guess by similar logic, we should treat not having a mental illness as a risk factor for violence as well?

What I enjoyed about this book was her actual experiences. I didn't go in expecting to enjoy her insights, but I did actually quite like reading about what she and her family went through. I thought that was where this book actually added something to the Columbine discussion. I think it can be important and insightful to hear from the families affected and what they went through. Sue Klebold has a unique perspective in how she experienced the Columbine shooting and I appreciate her sharing it.

Beyond that, there were small things that irritated me. She talked about how she used to think suicide was the coward's way out and people with mental illnesses were weak. I get that it's important for people who used to hold crappy viewpoints like that to speak out so that others will change to, but it always irritates me when people only change because it personally affects them. Other people's suffering doesn't make a difference, only their own.

She also seemed incredibly naive. I don't just say that because she missed the fact that her son was planning mass murder under her roof, but because of everything else. She talked about what a good kid he was, after he'd been arrested for a felony, after he was suspended from school for hacking their computer system, after keying someone's locker and trying to start a "rumble" and getting called into guidance for writing disturbing stories. If I'd done half of that in high school, my parents would have had me in therapy faster than anything. Sue Klebold takes more of a "boys will be boys" approach, saying how hacking the school's computer system and sharing personal information is no different than sneaking into the girl's bathroom or that it's ridiculous the school fined him so much for destroying property.

She also talked at length about how she didn't believe kids could hide serious things like rape and suicidal thoughts from their parents. I don't understand how any adult can think that. We were all teenagers. We all hid things or knew people who hid things of varying severity from parents. It just strikes me as incredibly naive and irresponsible to believe that. She obviously doesn't believe that anymore, but at the time she held that belief, she had one adult son who had already graduated high school and one who was about to.

I wouldn't really recommend this book. There were some interesting stories of what she went through during and after the massacre that I appreciated, but overall a lot of it was just explaining everything that she believed influenced Dylan into committing the shooting. If you're really interested in Columbine and have already read a few other books, sure pick this one up, but just in general, I didn't think it was worthwhile.