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A review by bisexualbookshelf
First Love: Essays on Friendship by Lilly Dancyger
dark
emotional
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
Thank you so much to the author and to Dial Press for the gifted ARC!
In a world often fixated on romantic entanglements, Lilly Dancyger's "First Love: Essays on Friendship" offers a refreshing and poignant exploration of the profound bonds between women. Drawing from her own experiences and anchored by the tragic murder of her cousin Sabina, Dancyger delves into the intricate tapestry of female friendships with a depth and nuance that ultimately feels like a warm embrace from an old friend.
From the very outset, it's evident that Dancyger's intention with this book goes beyond mere storytelling; it's an invitation to delve into the essence of friendship, to explore its nuances, its challenges, and its enduring beauty. At its core, "First Love" challenges heteronormative relationship hierarchies, celebrating the richness and complexity of intimacy wherever it may be found. Dancyger's refusal to confine love to romantic partnerships is both liberating and affirming, offering a narrative that embraces the multifaceted nature of human connection.
What sets this collection apart is Dancyger's unapologetic embrace of vulnerability and her willingness to navigate the complexities of grief, desire, and identity. Through her evocative prose, she invites readers into the intimate spaces she shares with her closest friends, allowing them to witness the bonds that have shaped her life in profound ways. These essays, grounded in Dancyger’s own friendships, explore themes of fluid sexuality, mothering, chosen family, and the evolving dynamics of adolescent relationships.
The essays are interwoven with references to literature and pop culture, from Anaïs Nin to Tumblr "sad girls," creating a rich tapestry of influences that speak to the universality of the human experience. Dancyger's writing is both introspective and incisive, offering a kaleidoscopic view of life through the lens of friendship. She doesn't shy away from the messiness of human connection, acknowledging the inevitable conflicts and misunderstandings that arise, even among the closest of friends. Yet, amidst the challenges, there is a prevailing sense of resilience and grace—a recognition of the profound impact that these relationships have on shaping who we are and who we aspire to be.
One of the most compelling aspects of "First Love" is Dancyger's insistence on the importance of community care and solidarity. Throughout the collection, she explores the ways in which women create space for each other in a world that often seeks to diminish their voices. Her themes of anti-oppression, anti-appropriation, and anti-white supremacy are both timely and necessary, offering a rallying cry for collective action.
In her upcoming collection, Dancyger masterfully navigates the intricate terrain of societal narratives, including her poignant critiques and steadfast denial of the true-crime industrial complex. With keen prose, Dancyger unveils the harmful consequences of sensationalized crime narratives, refusing to succumb to the voyeuristic allure they often propagate. Through her exploration, she sheds light on the ways in which these narratives exploit tragedy for entertainment, perpetuating harmful stereotypes and distorting the complexities of human experience. By steadfastly resisting the allure of sensationalism, Dancyger underscores the importance of approaching storytelling with empathy, nuance, and a commitment to truth. In doing so, she challenges readers to confront their complicity in perpetuating harmful narratives, urging us to demand a more compassionate and authentic approach to storytelling in our society.
"First Love" is a testament to the enduring power of friendship and the ways in which it sustains us through life's most challenging moments. It is a book that celebrates the beauty of feminine relationships in all their complexity, offering a timely reminder that love, in all its forms, is always worth the risk. This collection is a radiant and deeply moving exploration of the bonds that unite us. It is a book that refuses to be confined by conventional definitions of love, instead embracing the full spectrum of human connection. To read it is to be reminded of the profound impact that friendship can have on our lives, and the importance of cherishing those connections, however fleeting they may be.
Recommended For: Queer Millennial Women and Femmes, Mommy Issues Readers, Advocates for Community Care, Intersectional Feminism Fans
Key Themes: Feminine Solidarity, Fluid Sexuality and Identity, Grief and Loss, Chosen Family and Alternative Forms of Care, True Crime Critiques
My Favorite Quotes:
In a world often fixated on romantic entanglements, Lilly Dancyger's "First Love: Essays on Friendship" offers a refreshing and poignant exploration of the profound bonds between women. Drawing from her own experiences and anchored by the tragic murder of her cousin Sabina, Dancyger delves into the intricate tapestry of female friendships with a depth and nuance that ultimately feels like a warm embrace from an old friend.
From the very outset, it's evident that Dancyger's intention with this book goes beyond mere storytelling; it's an invitation to delve into the essence of friendship, to explore its nuances, its challenges, and its enduring beauty. At its core, "First Love" challenges heteronormative relationship hierarchies, celebrating the richness and complexity of intimacy wherever it may be found. Dancyger's refusal to confine love to romantic partnerships is both liberating and affirming, offering a narrative that embraces the multifaceted nature of human connection.
What sets this collection apart is Dancyger's unapologetic embrace of vulnerability and her willingness to navigate the complexities of grief, desire, and identity. Through her evocative prose, she invites readers into the intimate spaces she shares with her closest friends, allowing them to witness the bonds that have shaped her life in profound ways. These essays, grounded in Dancyger’s own friendships, explore themes of fluid sexuality, mothering, chosen family, and the evolving dynamics of adolescent relationships.
The essays are interwoven with references to literature and pop culture, from Anaïs Nin to Tumblr "sad girls," creating a rich tapestry of influences that speak to the universality of the human experience. Dancyger's writing is both introspective and incisive, offering a kaleidoscopic view of life through the lens of friendship. She doesn't shy away from the messiness of human connection, acknowledging the inevitable conflicts and misunderstandings that arise, even among the closest of friends. Yet, amidst the challenges, there is a prevailing sense of resilience and grace—a recognition of the profound impact that these relationships have on shaping who we are and who we aspire to be.
One of the most compelling aspects of "First Love" is Dancyger's insistence on the importance of community care and solidarity. Throughout the collection, she explores the ways in which women create space for each other in a world that often seeks to diminish their voices. Her themes of anti-oppression, anti-appropriation, and anti-white supremacy are both timely and necessary, offering a rallying cry for collective action.
In her upcoming collection, Dancyger masterfully navigates the intricate terrain of societal narratives, including her poignant critiques and steadfast denial of the true-crime industrial complex. With keen prose, Dancyger unveils the harmful consequences of sensationalized crime narratives, refusing to succumb to the voyeuristic allure they often propagate. Through her exploration, she sheds light on the ways in which these narratives exploit tragedy for entertainment, perpetuating harmful stereotypes and distorting the complexities of human experience. By steadfastly resisting the allure of sensationalism, Dancyger underscores the importance of approaching storytelling with empathy, nuance, and a commitment to truth. In doing so, she challenges readers to confront their complicity in perpetuating harmful narratives, urging us to demand a more compassionate and authentic approach to storytelling in our society.
"First Love" is a testament to the enduring power of friendship and the ways in which it sustains us through life's most challenging moments. It is a book that celebrates the beauty of feminine relationships in all their complexity, offering a timely reminder that love, in all its forms, is always worth the risk. This collection is a radiant and deeply moving exploration of the bonds that unite us. It is a book that refuses to be confined by conventional definitions of love, instead embracing the full spectrum of human connection. To read it is to be reminded of the profound impact that friendship can have on our lives, and the importance of cherishing those connections, however fleeting they may be.
Recommended For: Queer Millennial Women and Femmes, Mommy Issues Readers, Advocates for Community Care, Intersectional Feminism Fans
Key Themes: Feminine Solidarity, Fluid Sexuality and Identity, Grief and Loss, Chosen Family and Alternative Forms of Care, True Crime Critiques
My Favorite Quotes:
My mother never quite found solid ground, attempting to outrun her demons with frequent short-notice cross-country moves, and to drown them in heroin. She protected me better than her own mother had protected her, but still, I inherited chaos like a family heirloom.
To love someone, I have always understood, is to keep them safe.
With romantic love, there’s usually the expectation that you get one at a time. But sisterly love allows for multiplicity, overlapping and interlocking - the first love, the one that set the bar, continuing alongside all the other loves that follow.
We snarled and bristled, puffed ourselves up and bared our teeth - but only to protect the softness we’d made for each other, where no one else had.
But the self is a tenacious thing. It will allow itself to be submerged, for a time, but there in the murky waters of love, or grief, or addiction, or fear, or whatever you try to drown it in - it waits. It waits for its moment, for the first crack in the surface, and then it struggles forth.
I felt the claustrophobia of being loved so fiercely for exactly who you are that to change is a betrayal.
On top of this strained transition, Heather had recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The diagnosis reoriented what her sadness meant in the world; made it something to be not just expressed but managed, tended to vigilantly with the help of professionals. It brought into stark relief the difference between being a sad and angry teenager, as we all had been, and being actually, clinically depressed. It had been hard to tell the difference when we were sixteen, singing sad songs and drinking too much sugary liqueur, crying over each other’s sad poems and worshipping at the altars of our sad girl saints. But not the difference was clear: Heather’s was a bigger, scarier sadness. It was a current she had to fight constantly, or surrender to and be swallowed forever.
Grief is a place you can’t travel to without being transformed. You eat the seeds and then you become the queen of a land you never even wanted to visit.
I spent years preparing myself to write a crime story, waiting for the desire to know more about Sabina’s murder to bubble up in me. I expected it, but it hasn’t arrived. When I finally sat down to write about Sabina, the story that came out was not about murder at all. It was a love story.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Murder
Moderate: Drug use, Suicide, Death of parent, Alcohol
Minor: Drug abuse, Sexual assault
The sexual assault content occurs on page 101.