Disclaimer: I received an e-ARC from netgalley. 

A story following three queer kids who once upon a time tried to make a video game together until one of them stopped coming online and the project was disbanded soon after. Now, 18 years later, we meet the characters as adults and get to see how they have changed: Lilith, trying to use scout mentality to find her footing in a cis world, Sash, who is a part-time webcam dominatrix and still lives with her parents, and Abraxa, mentally ill and homeless and slowly losing her connection to reality as she descends deeper into the world of the unfinished game. 

While we only spend a little time with the characters as teenagers, I really found that part quite interesting. Even though I wasn’t familiar with online communities in the 1990s, I found it fun to explore how friendships and communities formed and fell apart. However, the bigger part of this novel takes place in 2016 in an America where Trump hasn’t yet been elected President (but will be during the course of the story) and follows our three main characters as they try to get through their days, diving deep into their various mental states. So if you don’t really connect with the first part of the story and the chatlogs and the very detailed descriptions of video game creation, don’t worry: that’s just the beginning of the story, it does change a lot and become a lot more accessible. 

One thing I particularly enjoyed with this story is how it explored the concept of sanity and madness and the very thin line between them. Abraxa, who is treated as insane by everybody around her, holds a similar dream of building a safe haven as a corporate cis woman, who applies for a loan at a bank. One of Lilith’s trans friends votes for Trump, but then acts horrified when he attacks trans people. Sash longs for community with other people, but acts in ways that make others distrust her and finds herself more and more isolated. The line between over-the-top paranoia and the actual lived experience under transmisogyny and trauma born from it is thin and dissolving constantly and I found that incredibly intriguing to read. 

While I agree with some reviews that at points the story felt too long (this book is 500 pages long and not that much happens) and the ending felt a bit too abrupt, I have to say I enjoyed that too. Life (and stories such as these, which are quite lifelike) do not need to tie up in a neat little bow to be enjoyable and as I let myself get carried away by Abraxa’s, Sash’s and Lilith’s experiences. I also really enjoyed getting to see the characters as closeted/gender-questioning teens and how the story then skipped over the whole coming out and transitioning processes to their adult and out selves only hinting at what happened in the time between. It reminded me a lot of Any Other City by Hazel Jane Plante in that way. 

If you like stories exploring video games or older internet culture, you will love the first part of the story. If you enjoy messy trans women and an exploration of (some of) the ways they carve out a survival in a fucked-up world, you’ll love the second part of the story. I really enjoyed it and am very glad I read it. 

TW: domestic abuse (minor), drug use, fire, homophobia (minor), intrusive thoughts, psychosis, suicidal thoughts, transphobia, unreality