When a football accident destroys Donnick “Nick” Walsh’s future plans he’s surprised to find that he’s not as devastated as he could be. Maybe this is his chance to hit the reset button on his life and start fresh choosing the things that he wants instead of what his father wants. But trying to reinvent himself isn’t going to come easy. He’s made some terrible choices and hurt a lot of people while keeping his true self hidden. He’s been a monster stalking the halls of his high school, bullying and terrorizing the other students and building a solid reputation as an asshole. His only refuges comes in the form of dance classes that he gets to take because a football coach says it will help his game.
Nick has been raised by a single homophobic and abusive father. When he gets caught kissing his childhood best friend, Michael Penrose, his father explodes into a rage, throwing Michael out of their house and screaming homophobic slurs. Nick is traumatized pushing Michael away violently in an act of self preservation, trying to distance himself from something his father clearly hates. He learns to suppress anything that his father won’t accept, hiding his crushes in hidden computer folders and lashing out at anyone who has any traces of supposed queerness.
All of this comes back to haunt him when as a senior he has to participate in a singing and dancing musical revue in order to graduate. It brings him face to face with Michael again and makes him confront some pretty confusing and dangerous feelings.

I liked hearing about the theater production and it was cool that there’s a set list at the end of the book so you can experience the music along with the story too. That adds a neat multimedia element. I think the relationship between Nick and Liam that I enjoyed the most. It felt the most organic in the story, other relationships sort of felt like development took place off screen. I almost wished that Nick would end up with Liam and just end up being good friends with Michael again.

Michael’s parents were great, I love seeing supportive parents loving their queer kids unconditionally. And supporting their kid’s queer friends.

Michael’s big change of heart kind of happened off screen, which was because it was meant to build anticipation and surprise for the big reveal at the end of the story, but it left me feeling like I’d missed some crucial processing.

This book took on a really ambitious subject matter and I applaud it that effort. It’s a “hurt people hurt people” example brought to life. Nathaniel Shea does a good job of creating main characters that are interesting and fun to read about. It was a very detailed look at the way Michael and Nick’s feelings for each other evolved and changed through out the novel. Unfortunately, it felt repetitive at times, like the characters were going over and over the same thoughts again and again. The book would have benefited from a tighter edit, it didn’t need to be 360 something pages. Nick’s, admittedly well earned, sense of self-hatred was rough. It was a continual litany of “I am an asshole.” and it got to be a lot.