The expert said, “Never let your assailant take you to another location. You will not survive.” You hesitate before following her.

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But he just sits and stares, and then quietly, “You’re mean,” he says. “You’re mean.” The truth of that settles in the space between us and I flinch with shame. I am mean. I’m also dying in front of him and he doesn’t see me.

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My sister didn’t understand, and it is she who I want to understand more than anyone else, to understand me. I want her to not feel shame. I don’t want to be the fucked up, crazy, older sister.

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But this brain feels broken sometimes. This brain does this thing that takes little soap bubbles of “everyone feels this sometimes” and morphs them into latex balloons of “you’re the only one in this world who can’t seem to lift herself out of bed in the morning” and then the balloon becomes brick and the brick becomes wall and the wall is a mountain and then you’re stuck. So I’m grateful to only be latex balloon right now.