An important book that reflects on our society, rape culture, and the burden it places on victims. Pretty infuriating to listen to, I was ready for it to be over, not because it was bad but because it is so frustrating. What Chanel went through when her perp was caught in the act but still went on to only get 3 months in county jail, because the focus was on the affects to him. ARGH!
"When a woman is assaulted one of the first questions asked is, did you say no. The question assumes the answer was always yes and that it is her job to revoke the agreement, to diffuse the bomb she was given. But why are they allowed to touch us until we physically fight them off? Why is the door open until we have to slam it shut?"
"Do you understand when you ask a victim to report, what you are telling her to walk into? Why didn’t she go to the police? I had deputies, a detective, paramedic. I had squad cars and an ambulance. I had them handcuffing him, photographing me, recording witness accounts, jotting down every detail of my body. From the thin chain wrapped around my neck, to the laces of my shoes. My clothes collected. I pressed charges within 24 hours of the assault, and here I was 3 years later, reading the appellate attorney’s statements about how I as clearly in front of the dumpster, not in any way behind it. How it was merely exterior massaging of my genital opening. How we were enamored young people expressing their sexual urges. When you say go to the police, what do you envision? I was grateful for my team, but the police will move on to other cases while the victim is left in the agonizing protracted judicial process where she will be made to question and then forget who she is. You were just physically attacked? Here is some information on how you can enter a multi-year process of verbal abuse. Often it seems easier to suffer rape alone than face the dismembering that comes from seeking support. When a victim does go for help, she is seen as attacking the assailant. These are separate. Seeking aid is her primary motive. His fallout is a secondary effect. But we are taught if you speak, something bad happens to him. You will be blamed for every job he does not get, every game he does not play. His family, friends, community, team will unleash hell on you. Are you sure you want that? We force her to think hard about what this will mean for his life, even though he never considered what his actions would do to her. They’ll say, we’ve never seen him act this way, so you must be lying. When society questions a victim’s reluctance to report, I will be here to remind you that you ask us to sacrifice our sanity, to fight outdated structures that were designed to keep us down. Victims do not have the time for this. It is not reasonable to ask that victims casually put aside their lives, to spend more time pursuing something they never asked for in the first place. This is not about the victim’s lack of effort, this is about societies’ failure to have systems in place in which for victims there is a probable chance of reaching safety, justice and restoration, rather than being retraumatized, publicly shamed, psychology tormented, and verbally mauled. The real question we need to be asking is not why didn’t she report, but why would you?"