Did you love the colorful and imaginative prose of The Song of Achilles? Or perhaps the political intrigue and complex cast of Game of Thrones? Well you will find none of that here, but you can indeed read A Court of Thorns and Roses anyways!

I'll be honest, listening to this audiobook there was one thought that remained ever present in my mind:  "Is this actually, truly and genuinely, a book that people think is great?" I understand the appeal of melodrama (I watch K-dramas for god's sake, and historical C-dramas which are next level shenanigans for those who know) but this was just so boring and poorly conceived I kinda couldn't believe it. I'm sure I sound like I'm madman, because if you look at my profile you'll see the kind of stuff I read and enjoy, but this was just so empty.

Meet Tamlin, kinda the most boring protag-kun ever and his best friend, Lucien, who only speaks in witty quips and somehow was lame despite having a mechanical eye that whirred. Rhysand is also here for some reason, I don't really care, he's your usual dark haired daddy guy who is an unrelenting asshole but it's okay because he was doing it for her sake, omg squee and what have you. Then you got our villainous queen who was just so cartoonishly evil it was boring. And, hey, why were all the faeries cheering for Feyre to get eaten by a worm and then like two months later they're like doing Hunger Games finger signs to her because she is their last hope? Wtf made them change their mind? Regardless there was not a single character here I liked and that is bad when the book is about their journeys. I truly wanted her to kill Tamlin just because, for a brief second, the story would proceed in a way that wasn't utterly predictable. Better yet, I wanted Tamlin to betray her in some awful way but nope. 

The writing though? Woof. Everybody is having smiles that don't reach their eyes and the descriptions can sometimes be so dense and nonsensical that I feel like I'm wasting my damn time. Here is an example of what I mean:

I very much understand this may be to some people's writing tastes, but what does this mean? I can't even visualize what this is trying to tell me, it uses adjectives and colors but they don't mean anything, I don't feel anything when reading this. And so much of the book does this constantly, the first half at Tamlin's manor is probably the worst of it. (And as I write this know that I simply adore This is How You Lose the Time War which is often criticized for being too flowery.)

I'm not even gonna get into the writing of the kiss or sex scenes. His tongue was touching the roof of her mouth?? Girl how mashed is his face into yours? How long is this tongue!?

One line that stuck out to me in particular also highlights the issue I have with this author's writing style:

Can somebody please tell me what is the point of a simile that describes something that is not a common or helpful illustration of the proceeding words? This is what I mean when I say this author uses too many description words, this book could have been cut down to a crisp 200 pages if the fat was trimmed and the work focused on using impactful words to create imagery instead of word salad. I know that is probably also just my preference, I like when a book doesn't need to make me languish in pages of description that aren't powerful just to prove a point. Brief specificity always trumps strings of meaningless pretty words.

Also the fact Tamlin wasn't even ugly under the mask pisses me off so bad you don't even know. Like I'm sure she will end up with bad boy Rhysand (because heterosexual relationships are primarily built on two people being mean to each other) but c'mon...we couldn't give Tamlin one interesting flaw or trait or anything!? 

Don't even get me started on Feyre as a character, she is so #girlboss. Thankfully she can #slay her way out of all situations and also have the time to be an amazing artist (the author must not be an artist because the way she talks about art is hilarious) but also she is 19? How did she even have time to hone her craft if she spends most of her life in the woods girlbossing and catching food for her family? I did not feel seen by this female character, I felt attacked on behalf of all women for this kind of protagonist being the main character of a book series this famous. I'm so sick and tired of female characters being 'feisty' and shooting mean snarky comments at characters meaning they are "strong female representation." How disappointing and reductive! I guess what I'm saying is that I 100% support women reading romantic fae books, and even just straight up smut if that's what you're here for, but can we not demand better work? Does this genre inherently need to be written shitty? Do I have to start getting into the fae smut game to prove a point?

Wow that is a lot of words of me bitching, but I must end it here and retreat to the bathroom, I feel my bowels getting watery as we speak.

(Also I imagined them all as variations of freaky beast people by the end of the book because what is the point of fucking a non-human monster race if they're not even a monster fr, I hate a boring cast of conventionally attractive white men)