I am fascinated by death. The charm and allure of death are too tempting to not ignore. I wanted to know what happens after a person dies. Of course, I know what happens to the body. But my curiosity was on the journey that the soul makes after death. Does the soul cease to exist as the body expires? Or does it lodges into another life to start anew? What happens? When nobody gave me answers, I turned towards the literature. I have read quite a few books (fiction and nonfiction) to quench the curiosity but none touched the par of excellence like Low.





Low is about drugs, depression, death, guilt, and finding hope. We follow Dominic Ullis, in his drug-induced journey of grief following the death of his wife Aki (who is enamoured with death from a tender age) on a weekend in Mumbai. On his way, Dominic meets quite a lot of people. But he is indifferent to them. He shoots up drug after drug just to cope with the grief. In one of his drug-induced hallucinations, he meets his wife who regrets committing suicide at all, stating that it isn't what she expected. Oh, the irony!





I can sense the dark, murky thing ready to pounce in me. When the gloom starts to appear, I panic. I want to hurt people with my words. Then I wallow in the guilt for wanting to hurt my loved ones. After a good amount of wallowing comes the phase of self-hate. I hate myself for being ungrateful for all the things I have been given. This phase of Self-hate is finally followed by the thoughts of death. I want to feel how it feels when you take your final breath. I want to know what happens when you close your eyes for the last time knowing I won't open it again. I want to know what my loved ones will feel when I am not here. And on and on it goes.





But these days, I am at peace with this dark, murky thing. Like Thayil's Aki who calls her depression as Low and senses the arrival of it, I learned to recognize the signs of being consumed by the dark. In the futile attempt to break this cycle, I try to hold on to whatever little things I can find. Books, movies, music, the stupid crow, rain, and memes. There's a saying Tamil that roughly translates as 'Known ghost is better than the unknown God.' Sometimes my fascination with death does resemble this quote. I have lived with whatever horrors life threw at me. But the unknown after death, however alluring it may be, scares me. So, I find comfort in the things that I can afford and I am forever grateful for them. I am not a victim. I have never been. But this dark phase makes me feel like one and I hate it. I hate that I have the privilege to feel like a victim when I am not.





I read Low when I was at the lowest point of my existence. I connected with his book on a deeper level and the feelings revolved around it. I can't criticize Dominic or Aki for how they deal with their grief and depression. Is there even a right way to grieve? You grieve and figure out life as you go. Looking for things that provide you with even a sliver of hope. I finished this book with the hope, breaking that dark phase and I am forever grateful for it.