I am grateful for this book and for the work Tucker continues to do in the adoption community. This was an excellent overview of transracial adoption that I wish I'd had when we started thinking about adoption. While it specifically covers transracial adoption, it's a great, in-depth look at the complexity of adoption, and all members of the adoption triad and their extended family and friends would benefit from reading this.

I appreciate that Tucker wove history and facts about adoption in between narrative of her own adoption experience, her work as a social worker, and her work as a therapist for adoptees. I also appreciate the emotional labor that Tucker must have poured into this book. Nearly all of my research leading up to the birth and adoption of my son was written by and centered the voices and experiences of (mostly white) adoptive parents. However, I've learned far more once I found places to listen to adoptee voices, and I'm thankful for the adoptees who choose to share. I hope my parenting and my relationships with my son and his family reflect that.

Takeaways:
1. Adoptees should always be centered.
2. Adoptees should never feel forced to feel grateful.
3. Open adoption is healthy for all involved except in rare cases.

"A common through line is for adoptees to conceal their burdens from their adoptive family to make everyone around them comfortable."

"Black children adopted into white families were losing their connection to Black culture and family in a very segregated country. This was most profoundly articulated by the National Association of Black Social Workers, who called transracial adoption "racial genocide" in a 1972 position paper, saying they had taken a 'vehement stand against the placement of black children in white homes for any reason.' The writers stated that white families would not be able to teach Black children how to deal with racism and that transracial adoptions were done with the benefit of the white family in mind, rather than the benefit of the Black child."

"In the Adoptee Lounge, we can utter seeming contradictions, like one I've wrestled with my entire life: I love my adoptive parents. And I wish I wasn't adopted."

"After a minute I told her I really liked her answer, that adoption isn't actually all that cool. Giving her additional permission, I add: "If you feel like you need to tack on another sentence, how about adding, 'That's actually a very sensitive and private question'?"

"Children whose adoptive parents rarely discuss the absent birth parents or birth siblings feel the loss more keenly. In a study of young adults adoptees published in a 2005 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, sociocultural researchers Kimberly Powell and Tamara Afifi correlate heightened ambiguous loss symptoms with children and youth who lack information about their birth parents and who have lived with a family who failed to honor the adoptees' connection with their family or culture of origin."

"When the relinquishment trauma happens before the age of three, the memories of trauma are stored in the unconscious part of the brain as implicit memories. Implicit memories are not coded in the brain as coherent, but as broken sensory and emotional fragments-images, sounds, and physical sensations. I felt this fragmented sensation as a hole in my heart. Something-someone-was always missing. The traumatized brain responds with fight, flight, freeze or fawning (people pleasing) when the implicit trauma memories are triggered."

"I apologize for the presumption that you'd been saved and provided a better life. I can see now, what you were actually given as a result of adoption was a different life."