I was talking to a man (first mistake), reminiscing about old shit (that's a trap, never do it), and he said to me, with the kind of brazenness only handsome people can get away with: "Level with me, baby: Don't you wish we'd gotten serious back in the day and had a kid?" I damn near choked on my own tongue.

I have just taken my first sip of water today at 2:57 p.m., I cannot be a person who reliably gets treatments done to herself.

Being perceived is excruciating, especially if you can't go person to person explaining why you look like that. I'd go to a lot more stuff if I knew I could take each person aside and explain to them why I look and dress the way I do.

When you go into anaphylactic shock, they have to keep you for four hours, because, apparently, when the epinephrine wears off, the symptoms can come back. Life is hell. Every time I learn new shit about the human body, it makes me yearn for the grave.

Has anyone ever gotten divorced citing "too many assorted milks"? Is this the "for worse" to which I am resigned???

Let me save you from the heartbreak caused by the withering look on your nephew's face when you attempt to make small talk about anything invented in the last ten years: don't.

Bodies are an off-limit subject for me in general because if I have to talk to you about your body, then you're gonna very courteously ask me about my body, and then I have to watch you struggle to be polite as I launch into a laundry list of my physiological issues while you try not to say "Have you considered dying?" to my face.