Shit, that was a good book. Haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. I was wondering how this book would end, and I liked the note of bittersweet, grieving hope it leaves us with. I have not read/watched any "all of humanity lives on a spaceship now" media except for Wall-e... this was not Wall-e. I didn't always follow, or really, honestly, try that hard to follow the structure of how Matilda worked, its layout, the way that decks would be connected to each other, but was interested in how that affected culture and life on the ship. The descriptions of the way languages developed deck by deck, the ways that gender and deck played into access and opportunity and how even some middle deck people seemed to be enslaved... I don't know that I fully understood all about the system of this world and definitely want to reread this book at some point.

I loved that none of the characters in this book, except maybe for Flix for whom this does not work out, were hopeful idealists. Lots, if not most, of the actions of dissent they take are nonsensical, dangerous, and ill advised. Giselle especially is clearly acting not from a reasonable, sane mind, but from one which has been so traumatized and affected that while what she does is not good, or helpful, or reasonable, it makes sense that she would do that. This book paints a picture of an ugly world, whose characters still have to live, and still each have their own small reasons to keep on trying.

Gender, and queerness, becomes just one part of the tapestry of Matilda and our characters existences, but one that rings so true. Astra would be called intersex in our time, Theo nonbinary, genderqueer, transfeminine. They know only the slurs used against them, and the ways they adapt to make life bearable, to live a bit as themselves as they survive and sneak and make it to the next day, make what space they can for themselves. The slow, slow journey they take towards consummation of romantic feelings makes total sense, not for any rom-com reason but because of who they are, their relationships with trust and their own bodies and others interaction with them. Theo seems to have OCD, Astra seems to be autistic, Giselle experiences psychosis, everyone seems to be traumatized, many have physical disabilities. These are not portrayed in the ways I've been seeing diversity in YA (desperately needed! Amazing! Beautiful!) of 'big happy family of differing people are loved for who they are and find ways to find joy because of, and within their differences' but in the ways that each of these divergences from identities or statuses holding power puts our characters in danger. Astra's autism constantly endangers her when she doesn't answer the guards in the ways that they want. It's scary and real and relevant to our world.

I don't know, I want to get so many of my thoughts down because I have a feeling I will keep rereading this one, that it will continue informing me, and that I will want to remember some of my thoughts from my first read-through. Also because people should read it, but it's got almost every trigger imaginable, so read carefully.